<- March 2009 or November 2009 ->

A Week With Bears is Over - April 1st, 2009

It's done. Kaputt. I'm sorry for it to have to end so suddenly, but the new month made me realize something. I can't keep up with this. Fucking bears? Are you serious? BEARS? CECIL? METH? What the hell? I finally got my wakeup call. I need to stop spending my time writing these ever so pointless and ridiculous stories. Their just plain weird. Seriously. If I'm going to ever be successful one day, I'm not going to put I own A Week With Bears on my resume! It's shameful. My parents told me that they want to get me an exorcism. EXORCISM! And my sister cried because I sit in my room and talk to 'ancient bear spirits'. I don't do meth. I'm not friends with bears. BEARS SUCK! A WEEK WITH BEARS MUST DIE! DIE YOU FOUL INCARNATE OF HELL! GO BACK WENST YE CAME! THOUGH SHALL NOT PASS! Fuck.

April Fools!

You can't get rid of us that easily. Were dicks.

The Unfortunate and Peculiar Mind of Jack Polito - April 2nd, 2009

In a world where men are men and women are things that are like men, except have no penises, there lives a thing that is too terrible to even think about. This world exists somewhere deep within a black hole, deep in the mind of the most feared human being ever. Deep within the mind of none other than Jack Polito. In that cataclysmic domain of horror and adultery, fiery demon mongers and winged mongoloids duel in the skies, bleeding out rainbow sprinkles which burn the very soul from your body. The rivers flow with the jizz of a giant mountain goat named Fezbar, who the people worship and perform pelvic thrusting rituals to. In the deep woods there lives a secret league of drug abusing leprechauns, all of which shout the word 'nyas' (Nuh-Yes) every time they see a Tom Cruise clone. In the center of all of this anarchy is a giant palace made of gryphon feathers, all of which had come from gryphons slain by sharpened water bottle caps. In this palace resides a very egotistical and oppressive version of Polito, who sports a harshly maintained beard and bowler's cap. His left eye, which had been cut by a flailing teletubby, is always squinted and looking north, a sign of his power. When he burps, the Sun cries and fetuses rip themselves out of their mother's wombs. This, has resulted in many deaths, keeping the population at a height of 69. Any individual that tries to get it higher than that will be fucked in the streets by Polito's two man army of Ving Rhames and Sean Connery. EPIC FAIL!

Jack in the Box - April 3rd, 2009

In corporate America, one man stands above them all. The weak office workers cower before him as he passes, his white face glinting off of the remorseful sun. His pale blue eyes show no mercy, and his smile is the puppeteer of dread. This being of the abyss has ruled with complete and total loyalty, accepting nothing less. He is the almighty king of chaos, the messenger of evil, the owner of Jack in the Box. Yes. Jack. He walks with grace, battleaxe in the hand, ready to slay all those who oppose him. Recently, Jack attended a meeting with all the other fast food chain owners. He didn't need to go, because they would have done whatever he wanted anyway, but he decided it would look good for the press. As he arrived he was seated in between Ronald McDonald and the Burger King, both of which he hated and despised more than anything. As the time came for propositions to be made, Jack proposed something that he had been waiting to for a long time. You see, 95% of Jack in the Box locations were being plagued by a nuisance. That nuisance, were racoons. They had been breaking into the store at night, in gangs of three or more, stealing the buns and cash from the register. Jack was tired of it. So, as it became his turn, Jack said, "well, being a respected member of the Fast Food Committee, I would like to propose some sort of security system for our restaurants. As you all know, we've been having a problem with racoons lately, and we need to have it stopped. Their gang violence is a plague on our city streets, and I won't have it. So, I believe that all Jack in the Box locations should have new lasers installed to vaporize any trespassers." At that point, the Burger King looked up, remarking, "Hmmm," smiling, then continued, "isn't that a little gay?" Jack turned and struck him with the back of his hand. "How dare you say gay in my presence!" he shouted with the full force of his lungs. The Committee members were shocked, covering their eyes as the fight ensued. Eventually, after shoving the King's head in the microwave for 3 minutes, they left the building and continued the fight outside. There, Jack went on to brutally beat the King up against a brick wall, calling him slurs like 'homo', 'fag', 'slutty dicklover', and 'Elton John'. After hours, the police arrived and pulled Jack off the King, who's body was beaten to a pulp. Jack was eventually tried by the Supreme Court for his actions, being found guilty for being homophobic, and sentenced to three years of life with the Jonas Brothers.

The History of Bears: Volume Eight - April 4th, 2009

After Ving Rhames' dreaded fall from leadership, a new Bear King arose. He was a very old bear, which the Kingdom was not accustomed to. His age however, did not prevent him from being one of the greatest Bear Kings ever. His name, you may wonder, was Elbert, savior of the bear race. He led the bears through the darkest times they had ever faced, called the Great Bear Exile. During this time, the humans raided ancient bear dens in the forest, claiming lives in the thousands. Doing what he had to do, Elbert led the bears out of the rubble that was once the Bear Kingdom, and brought them to his friend, Captain Dullhowl. You see, Dullhowl happened to be one of the most feared pirates at the time, but he had surprisingly used to be Elbert's first mate. Because of this, Dullhowl had to accept his old captain onto his ship. The bears soon learned the ways of the pirates, becoming skilled with a blade and learning to be cruel and swear more than what was necessary. By the time the humans had entered the the coast of the Bear Kingdom, they were easily defeated and pushed back by Dullhowl's cannons. Afterwards, the bears swore their allegiance to Dullhowl and signed a treaty with him and his crew. Then, Dullhowl's crew helped the bears rebuild their city, with a few touches of pirate love. An example of this, is the skull and crossbones painted on the gates door.

Imagine: The Strange Stories of a Generation; Issue 7 - April 5th, 2009

Imagine if a giant herd of water buffalo charged a local Walmart in Iowa, only to hit the wall and realize that they were in fact lasers, causing the buffalo to evaporate. Or if the leprechauns took over the government by threatening to rape the president, and then made it so everyone had to wear green. Or if Optimus Prime went back to rehab for his constant drug abuse, particularly the drug PCP, which caused him to get very angry and crush elementary schools. Or if Hitler tried to come back to life and got shot in the dick by the legendary Jew cannon. Or if a troupe retro squirrels from the '70s walked into Madison Square Garden with a giant bong, and got the entire United States high. Or if after they all woke up from being high, they realized that the Mole People had rigged the whole thing so they could fight the humans and take over the world. Or if Jesus shed a single tear, drowning a small town in Iowa.

Convicted Rapist #5: Michael Jackson - April 6th, 2009

He is the Lord of Creep, the Prince of Pedophile, the King of Rape. He is Michael Jackson. Stalking the night like the villain he is, Jackson avoids contact with most human life. That is until he finds a straggler, traveling alone down an alleyway. He quickly subdues his victims with a high pitched voice and toys, putting them in a daze that they cannot undo. At that point, Jackson does the deed that we all dread. You may ask why someone would do such a thing? Well, the answer is simple. Michael Jackson is a Lesser Demon working for Satan. Obviously, their goal is to rape enough people to get Jackson at the top of the food chain, in which the unholy Lucifer would take over. Together, they would rule the world and rape all in their way. Not exactly what most thought when they read Revelations in the Bible, but it was recently translated to support this theory. MJ and Satan, working together to fuck you up. So, if you wish to stay unraped, I'd suggest that you buy a taser which is the only weapon effective against these two creepy creepers. Obviously, you have to shoot them in the junk, but that should be pretty understandable. If you feel bad, you will be raped. I promise. So, good luck to you and may the rapings 'cum' in plenty.

The Real Truth of the Dinosaurs (Part 4) - April 14th, 2009

As Boris and Fwurgle watched watched the two men kiss, they knew shit was about to get fucked up. The watched as Tupac slowly pulled a Desert Eagle, which was a very powerful handgun, and put it to Lincoln's head. The future U.S. president stared at his once faithful lover, eyes filled with tears. He cried, "oh baby no! Please! I'm sorry!" Tupac sneered at the man's begging, busting a cap in his ass like no other. He soon turned, his ex-lover's bloody tophat in hand, and fired uncaringly at the two dinosaurs. Missing them by inches, the dinosaurs quickly fled the scene, diving into a nearby ditch. As they recovered from the landing, they saw they were not alone. Lying only a few feet away from them was a homeless man, who stank of whiskey and kitty litter. He slowly came to, looking very dazed. Seeing the two dinosaurs, he shouted, "Uh hummanuh, mmmbunats eh komma! Zebbly bubum," he paused, realizing the creatures didn't speak his native language, and switched to English, "hello there friends! The name is Brayton Barrett, world renowned Mountain Climber and Monkey Tamer. Also, I own a time machine.

God Helps the Cumback! - April 27th, 2009

In a far off land where no prostitute, skunk, hobo, or Jewish Whale had ever traveled, there lived a spunky magician named Quinn and his loyal sea otter assistant, Johosabebe. Together they built magnificent contraptions, such as the Hot Dog Propelled Helicopter, the Laser Dildo, the Nuclear Rat Trap, and the Kung Fu Action Jesus action figure. Besides building one of a kind items, they also ran a small bakery. For years they went on like this, selling to passing angels and merry spirits. You see, Quinn and Johosabebe lived in the mighty land of Heaven. Strangely, they were the only people allowed to live there without dying first, because they had done a huge favor for God himself. You see, several years before they had made their stay in Heaven, God had a put a hit out on his Arch-Nemesis, Satan. Apparently, Jesus got a bit carried away in a poker match with the Lord of Darkness himself, and lost a lot of money he didn't have. God couldn't afford to have his only son owing his enemy, so he found a solution. That obviously was to have Satan killed. Before Quinn and Johosabebe had their bakery in Heaven, they were both mercenaries working for a greedy Catfish by the name of Gooch. Being a sly and cunning Lone Shark, Gooch had won their services in a game they'd all played of Go Fish. Since they had signed a contract, the pair was forced to work for Gooch until he said otherwise. Luckily, God heard of their magnificent skills and had agreed to get them out of the pickle they had with Gooch, as long as they completed the hit. Obviously, the pair agreed. The next day, police found the bodies of both Gooch and Satan lying in a dumpster, covered in honey and reeking of laundry detergent. No one knows how they were murdered, and no one wants to know.

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