Bartholomew

On the day of November 8th, 2008, a man and a woman made love (the names shall remain anonymous). Their child was born 4 days later, a miraculous occurrence no matter who you are, but this was the not the strangest bit. You see, the child was somehow born a Grizzly Bear. Several hours after the initial birthing of the bear, the doctor diagnosed it as a dwarf, or little person. The couple decided to name their offspring Bartholomew, and chose to keep it alive, no matter what the doctors insisted. They tried to live happily, but the man grew strained over his son's disability. He knew the only way he could discover the cause of it was to head to the mystical Bear Empire, and spend a week with the bears there. For some reason, he had been picked to have this mystical child. It was his destiny.

In late August, Bartholomew's father began his trek. He started out by going to the gas station and buying all the Mountain Dew and Mike'n'Ikes in stock. The man knew he could live off that for much longer than on water and actual food. He then traveled to downtown Seattle, for that was the closest city to his house. He knew of the fabled homeless there, who knew all about the bears, for they had once lived together. As he stayed with the very dirty men, he met one named Steven. You see, Steven was much different than the other hobos, for he wore a neon green speedo, a top hat, and had an extremely well kept mustache. He also knew an excessive amount about the drug Meth. During his stay there, Steven helped the man, even allowing him to sell some of his Meth, acting as a guardian angel. Then one fateful day, Steven said he must leave, for he was on a top secret mission involving Polar Bears and the communists. That day, the man knew it was his time to leave as well, and he began to venture to the next stop in his journey, Compton.

Bartholomew's father ventured, a very treacherous journey across the state of Oregon and most of California. He finally arrived in the ghettoest place on the planet. Obviously, it was Compton. Now, he had a portal to Compton in his closet, but he had long forgotten about it, because he thought it had just been a joke between him and his friend Jack/El Chaco/JM2/Pope Gregory IV. As he arrived in the forsaken land of Compton, he was immediately an outcast. As you know, everyone there is either black, or a bear. The man, being neither of these, was having a bit of trouble finding help. Eventually, he decided to give up his journey and OD on some meth, so he went and found the closest dealer. This dealer, a bear, was named Biggie Bear. He was a very infamous gangster in the area, and was known as the cruelest, baddest, most inconsiderate dick of all bears ever. When the man tried to purchase meth from Biggie, the bear just looked him up and down once, and said, "no." The man begged and pleaded, causing Biggie to become very irritated. The large bear swiped at the man, almost taking his head clean off. Before Biggie could throw another swipe, the man shouted, "I AM THE FATHER OF THE BEAR CHILD!" Biggie stopped then, and picked the man up. In an unintelligent tone he said, "Wigger, you be forealzees? G, this be grizzlein'. Me an' ma boys is gonna hit you up. In the mornizee, we mobbin' straight up to the white thug's cribs, son. Ya know, Alaska fool." The man just stared, dumbfounded. At that point, Biggie gave the man a hug, bone crushing, causing him to pass out. The next morning he woke up, on the bear's back, surrounded by six other bears, somewhere in mid-California. The journey had begun, and to Alaska they roamed. To help make it more enjoyable, they all took some PCP on the way. Bears on PCP. You can just guess what happens next time.

The journey of the man continued, as he quested to find the truth of his son. He continued to travel with Biggie Bear and his crew. They continued to have fun for the most part, but unfortunately, they ended up in a bad neighborhood in Canada. Biggie had a confrontation with two thuggish moose, which resulted in a shoot out. After the battle was over, both moose had fallen. As the man turned around to cheer with his partners, he noticed they were all fatally wounded as well. Biggie had been shot 86 times, and had his spleen ripped out. He tried to walk, but this caused his stomach to slip out of the holes. The large bear then collapsed in the man's arms, dying. The man began to cry, knowing he could never find the way to Alaska by himself, and he would most likely be crushed under the bear's weight. As he lay there, he got an idea. For a few moments, he began thinking of several woman wanting to have sex with him. He kept thinking, and thinking, and finally, the bears body was pushed to side. The man cheered happily, but was quickly startled by a familiar voice saying, "What the fuck?!?! Your....Your....Your dick..OH MY---" After this the stranger began to barf excessively. The man turned, almost hitting the stranger with his massive dick. Then, the man recognized the stranger as Steven, the mystical homeless. The man's penis instantly went limp and the two men hugged. They sat around together, Steven explaining how he had fought Narwhals in Russia with the Polar Bears. He also said he'd gladly take the man to the Bear Empire, and they'd leave tomorrow. The two then slept in the snow, unknowingly cuddling in the night.

In the morning, the man and Steven awoke. Both were surprised to find that they had had wet dreams in the middle of the night. They had an extremely awkward moment for about 5 minutes, then quickly got back on task. They walked for several miles, reaching the top of a high sloping ridge. At that point, Steven looked to the sky and whistled. For a few moments, nothing happened. Then suddenly, two giant Eagles flew down beside them. Both were the size of a large truck, and had penises the size of two football fields. As you can imagine, these Eagles were very unproportional. The two men climb a top their Eagles, which were the only way to get to the Bear Empire. They flew over the town of Juno, destroying it with Eagle feces. After 10 years of flying (most of it was just in circles) the two men landed in front of a huge fortress. Inside, the Land of Bears. The men climber off their Eagles, which began to mate with one another. They walked forward, causing the huge doors of the fortress to open. Inside, a magical wonderful land existed, where no man had ever been before. The final leg of their journey awaited, and soon the man would know the truth of his son, his destiny, Steven, and the Bears. 

The man had finally made it to the fabled Bear Empire. This is what his entire journey had been leading up to. Soon, he would find all the answers he needed. As the gates opened, the two men were able to see the vast land that awaited them. In the distance, they could see rolling hills, towering mountains, ancient forests, and rivers that twisted and turned throughout the valleys. It was the most beautiful thing either man had ever seen. Then, a small bear in robes, using a walking stick came forward. The man sensed that he was a very powerful being. The bear came even closer, and took off his hood. He looked from the man, to Steven. Then, he began to spoke in a wonderful voice. He said, "Hello, my friends. I welcome you to our homeland. You have made a treacherous journey, all leading to this very moment. Thank you Steven. I'm glad you were able to find him." At this, Steven nodded. The bear then continued, "You see young man, my name is Elbert, Bear King. I have ruled this magical kingdom for 400 years now, but my time as ruler is coming to an end. Like all great kings before me, I will need a successor to take the throne. That is where you come in. You see, the throne of the Bear King can only be taken by a special bear, a bear of a smaller size. You would call it a midget. The only way a bear can achieve a size so small, is to have parents that are human. Only one midget bear can be born every 500 years, and the first 100 is to be it's training. As you can imagine, the parents of such a creature must be in touch with the magic of the bears. The only way to achieve this, is to use Meth from a very young age, specifically the age of 3 years. You, have been able to do this. It is your gift." The man stood there, allowing the information to rush through his brain. He had told his wife several times that it was okay to smoke Meth during pregnancy, but it was more than okay. It was the greatest thing he could've done. He had created the King of Bears. The Badass of his generation. He would soon venture back with Steven, as Elbert would instruct him to, and bring back his son Bartholomew. His journey was done, and he had learned the biggest lesson of all. Meth makes you awesome, and you will be cool if you smoke it. 

The End