In the Days of Business - December 1st, 2009

For millennia, the mighty domain of lore, A Week With Bears, ruled with pure badassery. With its awesomeness, it offered daily stories filled with tantalizing sips of literary orgasms. And by offered, I mean it still does. However, it has gone from that unprofessional collection of short stories to a massive, gargantuan, and hellish fiend ready to tackle your brain into a sense of confusion and communistic ideas. Now, we have become a lot more legit. Too legit. I mean, for Pete's sake, we have shirts and business cards! What the balls! And for Carl's sake, who the hell is Pete? Back to the topic. Also, if you haven't noticed, the stories are random. Too random. Half the time, they just leave you thinking, "why on Earth did I ever come here?" Finally, you've got to have noticed the transformation I was talking about. Do you guys even remember what the site looked like way back in November of 2008? It looked like this. Now, I know you may want to say, "but that's pretty hot, Ryan." Well, sorry to break it to you, but obviously AWWB has affected your mental function. The website is way more attractive now. It's just plain sexy. Too sexy. This is why I've come to the realization that A Week With Bears is just too awesome for me to take for granted. So, I'm going to thank someone for it. He's someone who's really kept me going in life, he's been there when I needed him, and he's blessed me with his gratitude. Of course, I'm thanking you, Zeus. You've been hardcore for me. Practically, fantasmorgasmic. Keep on keepin' on, Blue. (Yeah, we definitely are too legit, too random, and too sexy.)

Fabio, You Can Go S a D - December 2nd, 2009

Thousands upon thousands of years ago, there lived a creature so intolerable that he was only given a single name: Fabio. Yes, the man who is often referred to as the human stallion, who was voted the sexiest transvestite ever by the International Board of Dildo Slayers, and who fought a rogue chicken that was rampaging through lower Manhattan. Yes. That bastard. You see, my Bear Watching allies, this monstrosity of a man (If you can even call a transvestite a man) is a dickish asshole and a dildo craftsmen (Of course he got a Doctorate in Dildo Crafting at Ryan & Brayton's School of Higher Learning) However, he mistook what we were all about. Now, he's crafting dildos to sell as sex toys, when, as everyone knows, Dildo Crafting is an art form that should NEVER be exploited. So, for this very reason, we've come to the terms that Fabio must be annihilated. Via Sheriff DP and the Dinosaur Police! Yes, my friends. The mighty stars of my film, Dinosaur Police, are going to hunt down Fabio and fuck his dinosaur ass up. (No, we don't actually have any proof he's a dinosaur. Fuck you.)

 

 

Imagine if tomorrow, China officially declared the United States its bitch, and slapped the entire country in the face. Or if William Wallace came out of retirement, just to kick England's ass again. Or if France ever won a war. Or if the questions asked in these stories actually happened. Or if Ryan Sharon was actually a relative of Jesus. Or if a cow known as Al-Jabar broke into Fort Knox, only to end up having sex with all of the money. Or if the Sun got hungry, and well, you know, ate the Earth. Or if the oceans turned into elk jizz. Or if AWeekWithBears.Com was worth $1450. Which it is.

The Kill the Assholes Bill - December 18th, 2009

“BREAKING NEWS: Millions of Unicorns have been slaughtered by a rogue group of filmmakers, known as The Adventurous Guild of Arctic Sea Creatures Who Love Top Hats and Monocles. According to eye witnesses, the filmmakers were apparently trying to film a pornographic Unicorn snuff film. Thousands of mystical creatures everywhere have become disgusted by this news, and have written the Kill the Assholes Bill. According to members of congress, the United States believes that human rights do not apply to sea creatures.” According to this information, A Week With Bears would like to agree. If you would like to support this bill, please sign the petition below. Thank you very much.

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… Our apologies. As it turns out, there is no petition for this bill. This is due to the fact that the bill doesn't exist, either. Do to this unfortunate information, we would like to encourage all people of the world to start kicking the shit out of anything that swims, has gills, or even glances at water.

Tantalizing and delightful; Majestic and sexy; Orgasmic and addicting; These are all words that have been used to describe the magnificent Instant Vagina® by Sex Factory©. With our new state-of-the-art rubber-vagino technology, we our able to create, what Bill Clinton calls, the single greatest object ever. This product starts out as a small circle, about the size of a penny, but when mixed with any grape-based liquid, instantly turns into a fully functioning vagina! Now you can get all the bang bang without any of the blah blah! Warning: Since it is a fully functioning vagina, you may experience urination, menstruation, or even sudden black holes. Sex Factory© is in no way responsible for any deaths, anger, or depression caused by our vaginas. If you would like to complain about our vaginas, please grow a pair and be thankful that we're not complaining about your two inches of pain. Thank you for purchasing our product.

The Avatar Reaction - December 20th, 2009 

Most of our readers have probably seen Avatar. If you haven't, then get the hell off of your couch and go see it. It's Dances With Wolves, but with guns. 3D, futuristic, we-like-to-blow-shit-up guns. Now that we've got that covered, I would like to tell you the tale of two men who were so enthralled by Avatar, that they've completely changed their lives because of it. Once average members of society, the men now known as Jakesully and the Navi Sex Bandit, have become hardcore Avatar enthusiasts. They love it so much, in fact, that they have dedicated their friday nights going to bars, trying to pick up blue chicks of the opposite sex. They work as eachother's wing man, hitting on any female with a slight blue tint. Unfortunately, as James Cameron has tried to tell them many times, the Navi are strictly fictional. However, the duo simply responded to him by saying, “Fuck you.” The ridiculous nature of the two men has struck up a craze across the US. Millions of men are dumping their girlfriends, saying that they just aren't blue enough. To combat this, some women have begun to paint themselves blue, only to be told that they don't have a Jamaican accent. To try and bring everyone back to their senses, James Cameron held a conference in Washington D.C., explaining to men everywhere that the way they're acting is ridiculous, and they should go back to their loved ones. Bad idea. After the conference, Cameron was drug into the street, and repeatedly molested with an AK-47. Since the event, the government has declared a state of martial law, and holds the right to shoot anyone speaking of Avatar, or anything involving extra terrestrials. Yeah, Avatar fucked shit up.

This morning McDonald's announced the return of its most beloved item, the McZeus. Moments after the announcement, veteran prostitute, Dan Ackroyd, called it, “the worst thing I've ever put in my mouth, and definitely not any shit you want to eat. The McShit is disgusting.” Also, Zeus has officially denied all connection to the dreaded sandwich. Unfortunately for McDonald's, the McZeus is NOT their most beloved item. Do to the false testimony, which caused many people to believe that the McRib was coming back, we are now in a state of civil unrest. Statistics show that in the past 12 minutes nearly 32,000 people have committed suicide or have killed another person. Also, while we were reporting those statistics, McDonald's CEO, Jim Skinner, was shot by a Panzer Tank. Did you hear that? HOLY FUCKING SHIT! The fact that someone managed to get a Panzer in the last 15 minutes is just frightening. What the hell could they do in an hour? Personally, I, Ronald McDonald, am not waiting to find out. I'm hiding in the safest place I can think of right now: Burger King. If you get this message, and you want to help, meet me here.

P.S. BRING THE CHINESE MILITARY.

 The Time Traveling Escapade (Part 6) - December 22nd, 2009

We had been at the underground bear base for about 3 months at that point. Tamponio, who was still alive, had been training us for this inevitable day. The few bears left, ninety or so, were going to be led by me and the Swayzmeister. The dinosaurs, who had returned in the hundreds of thousands, were led by Boris and Fwurgle. Brayton, on the otherhand, was traveling through time with his semi-truck full of Coca-Cola. As we rode the drill upward, I watched Swayze do a line of cocaine off of his machete, and then load a flamethrower. After this ritual, he passed the weapon to me, saying, “I'm not going to need that.” I agreed. Moments later, we burst through the Earth's crust, arriving in the yard of the Penguin King, Geno. The massive army we had assembled piled out, quickly taking out the penguin guards standing nearby. As we looked up, we were able to see Pterodactyls dropping other dinosaurs in the palace. We quickly entered the building, shooting any and all occupants that we saw, while Swayze jumped from penguin to penguin, decapitating them with his machete. “Yippee kie aye, mother fuckers!” shouted the extremely high movie star. As we made our way up the stairs, I was able to catch site of Michael Phelps and Poseidon. Before he could get away, I flamed down Michael Phelps, and was suddenly hit with the aroma of marijuana smoke. I ignored this, because I heard Tamponio shout, “keep moving! Zacchaeus and I will take care of that bitch, Poseidon. Not wanting to disobey, I followed Swayze to the top of the stairs. As we got there, we were able to find Boris and Fwurgle raping several penguins, shouting, “what now bitch? WHAT NOW?!” Completely ignoring the scene, we made our way through the doors into Geno's chamber. As we entered, we found the Penguin King sitting on his throne, holding a crossbow. As we moved forward, he laughed, exclaiming, “not so fast, my friends. If you take another step, my friend here will have to have an afternoon snack.” As he said this, a giant Kraken revealed itself on the side of the wall. Just as we began to prep for certain death, we heard a loud pop and the Kraken cry out in pain. Looking up, we saw Brayton and his truck on top of the crushed sea demon, smiling in his glory. We then turned our attention to Geno, who was backing into the corner. “Oh, you're not going anywhere, you penguin fuck. I guess I'm going to have to put Baby in the corner, after all,” remarked the vengeful, bloodthirsty Swayzmeister. Before Geno could do anything, Swayze whipped out his penis and gave the hardest dick slapping you could ever imagine. Both Geno and Swayze almost instantly died of blood loss from the incident. We had won! The battle was over!

After this, for the next year and a half, I traveled the world with my flamethrower, murdering and all penguins I could find. By the time I was came back to my own time, 2009, the world was finally redeemed of the murderous creatures that had plagued it for so long.

 The History of Bears: Volume Twelve - December 23rd, 2009

The bears lived in peace for many years, having flourished from the success of their leader, Elbert. It would have seemed that every bear in the kingdom was happy, and grateful for all of the accomplishments. So it would seem. However, the mighty Elbert was not in the fantastical mood like the other bears, for he was preparing himself for the arrival of Bartholomew and Steven. You see, Bartholomew was the young, midget bear destined to lead the kingdom through the hard times that were to follow, and it was Elbert's duty to train him. The skill and prowess of one of the greatest bears of all time depended on him, and that was not something Elbert appreciated on his shoulders. Despite this, as the history says, Elbert began a montage. Everyday, until Bartholomew was destined to arrive, Elbert woke up, turned on “The Final Countdown” by Europe, and fought 10,000 cyborg kittens. Before he went to bed, he'd chug a gallon of whiskey and punch Hillary Clinton in the face. (Yes, Hillary Clinton is tight with the bears). It would only be 3 months after Elbert started this montage that Bartholomew would arrive. The prophecy would be completed!

The Truth Behind Godzilla - December 24th, 2009 

 "Gozirra! Oh shit rord God Armighty! Shit! Gozirra!” screamed a small, elderly, Asian woman. Does that make you happy? If you said yes, then fuck you. That's horrible, and according to many Japanese businessmen, Godzilla is still a serious problem in the country. Unfortunately, despite America's efforts in 1945, Godzilla survived the atomic blast. This news makes me cringe, and the thought of so many lives being lost every year due to this monstrosity horrifies even me. If that doesn't mean much to you, then you obviously haven't ever been to the site. Which means get the fuck out, right now you North Korean son of a bitch! Now, for those of you who are welcome here, let me ask you one question: Do you want to put an end to the evil that is known as Godzilla? Would you be willing to commit atrocious acts against this fiend, in the name of good? Would you be willing to have an open mind to what I'm about to say? Hopefully, you said, “hell yes!” to all of those questions. If not, then like I said, get the fuck out of here, you communist asshole! Now, my friends and allies, what you need to know is this: Godzilla isn't actually an evil giant lizard. He is in fact, a kind, gentle, giant lizard. Then, you may ask, “why is he such a flaming dick?” Well, the answer is simple. Mind control. By who, you wonder? Personally, I think it should be very obvious. The most evil, cynical, demonic, and bloodthirsty creatures to ever walk the earth. The children of rape and murder; the cousins of herpes and cancer; the creepy uncles of terrorists and explosive dildos. Of course, I am referring to five year olds. These maniacal douchebags have been the ones behind every horrible thing, ever, including Godzilla. So let's do something about it, okay? We're gonna saddle up and fuck this rodeo!

 The Pygmy Midget With a Bowstaff - December 25th, 2009

Deep within every horrible dream you've ever had, or story that Jack Polito forced you into listening to every car ride to Swerve, exists an evil creature: The pygmy midget with a bowstaff. You see, this supreme asshole goes about ruining your day, beating the shit out of you with his bowstuff, and forcing you into situations where you have to blow a ridiculous amount of elves just to get your legs back. He legitimately makes the one thing you want to do, (which is open some obnoxious chest) seemingly impossible. Experts on the pygmy include myself, Jack, Nick Norman, and Jake Rouches. If you are wondering, all of this people are highly regarded doctors from the Norse afterlife, known as Valhalla. Unfortunately for them, Odin didn't feel it necessary to relieve them of the pygmy midget. To this day, the evil little bastard roams the world, beating the shit out of people for no apparent reason. For all the people in the world, even Jake, who murdered Nick's family, I say, “fuck you.”

 Triple Meat Dickzza - December 26th, 2009

“Down down down at the bottom of the sea, lives a friendly a whale named Roger Bean, his skin is soft and his fins are fine, his dick's a .50 cal. and it's sexy time!” Now, you may recognize that as the theme song to the popular television show, Roger Bean and the Magical Coral Reef. I will now recall the events of episode 471, The Giant Squidipus McDickhammer. Roger woke up on a beautiful Saturday morning, nestled in his sandy cove. As he swam upward, he snagged some straggling kelp, and began to hum “Weiner Sandwich” by The Hairy Assholes. As he reached the top of the water, he poked his head out to see the penguins dancing on their icy homeland. Because it was funny, Roger then whipped out his dick and began shooting every penguin he caught a glimpse of, murdering about 42 in the five minutes he spent shooting at them. As he climbed on the frozen ledge to claim his prize, he heard an ominous sound coming from behind. As he whipped around, Roger caught site of his archnemesis, Squidipus McDickhammer. Then BAM! Roger was knocked unconscious by his enemies flailing genitalia! It would be several hours before he would wake up, in McDickhammer's secret dungeon at the bottom of the sea. There, he would find the set of a hollywood level pornographic film, titled The Triple Meat Dickzza. He would go on to star in it with his former enemy, now newfound friend, Squidipus McDickhammer. So sexy.

Don Knotts' Revenge - December 27th, 2009

Upon the a firey precipice, there stood the last known Spartan of all time, Don Knotts. After training for three thousand years in the arctic cold of Siberia and the sandy dunes of the Sahara, he was ready to start his quest. Looking down to the bottom of the vast pit, Knotts knew what he must do. He leapt down, trident in hand. As he fell, he could hear the screams from his enemies below. One Care Bear cried, “Momma!” as Don landed on him with his trident. He immediately began slaughtering the waves of multicolored, emotional “bears”. These were a disgrace to the word. As he made his way through the horde, one lone Care Bear attempted to man a Love Cannon. However, Knotts quickly dispatched him via his Hedgehog of Death. (It's covered in spikes, on fire, and sings “Burning Down the House”) The blood from the various bodies soon filled up the pit, allowing Don to swim to the top. As he climbed into his horse-drawn wagon, he spotted a halved Care Bear crawling around. Being a kind, complete badass, he shot the skank with his crossbow.

The Adventures of Gandalf - December 28th, 2009

Deep within the realm of Mordor, there exists a mighty badass, a man of mans, a wizard to show up all wizards. Of course I'm talking about Gandalf, you twat. The man literally fought a massive volcanic demon the size of Wal-mart, and didn't even complain about it. No, you know what he did? He came back even more badass after what I assume was a few months spent with the KKK. And THEN, as if things weren't masculine enough, Gandalf led the final charge in THE most important battle in history. Yeah, WWII, take a seat. Oh, did I mention that he could have avoided the entire conflict by just sending the giant eagles he was friends with in the first place? Like Gandalf would take the easy way out. Of course not. Rather, he forced them through the most painstaking journey in history. It was so incredibly treacherous and ill-prepared that it took three movies to show its awesomeness. Gandalf, thank you for your assholishness!

Imagine: The Stories of a Generation; Volume Ten - December 29th, 2009

Imagine if the Cookie Dough was actually the organs of fairies, and they were being harvested by Osama Bin Laden to pay for his cable expenses. Or if the Earth opened up and Ronald Reagan crawled out of the abyss. Or if Karl Marx suddenly started a talk radio show called “Bolshevism Daily”. Or if the Ten Commandments were actually doodles that happened to spell things in Hebrew. Or if water wasn't actually as abundant as the government wanted you to believe, and was being stolen from Canada. Or if Canada wasn't our bitch (Canada, you are our bitch). Or if McDonald's just cut the bullshit and started selling poison and apples with razor blades in them. Or if the word “Whipper Snapper” became a racist slur against horses. Or if the previous theoretical question actually made sense. Or if we used proper punctuation in these stories. Or if Jesus legally changed his name to the J-Eazy. Or if we got sued for questioning Jesus and his choices in life.

Imma Let You Finish - December 30th, 2009

“Now, Imma let you finish, Mr. Abraham Lincoln, but I want you to know that Chief Griznak of the Plutonian Vikings gave a way better speech in 11 A.D. It was the best speech of ALL TIME. ALL TIME,” shouted the belligerent Kanye West, just shortly after Brayton Barrett allowed him to use his time machine. When we asked Mr. Barrett why he would allow such an ignorant, cockhead of a man, (who was called a “jackass” by President Barack Obama, no less.” to use his time machine, he replied, “Well, I thought I was doing everybody a favor. I didn't tell him how to get back, or anything.” After we heard this, we began celebrating. Profusely. So, dear world, full of Kanye supporters and 4chan memes, this goes out to you:

Kanye West is a stupid dick,

jumping on stage,

being annoying and shit,

Has to say something,

anything that comes to mind,

including, “Imma let you finish”

man, this is a shitty rhyme,

Well, I'd like to say,

to you, Dear Kanye,

2010 should be a blast,

P.S. Obama thinks you're a jackass.

The End of a Decade... - December 31st, 2009

Dear friends, bears, and creeps,

I'd like to do a final farewell to 2009. You were a good end to a shitty decade, filled with American dickishness and plenty of nip slips. You made us laugh, you made us cry, and you experienced A Week With Bears from January all the way to December (Well, kind of). Tonight, we pay tribute to you, our dear friend, in a way that you truly deserve. We're going to kill 500 of your most hated enemies for every time someone gets pissed or excited about something a celebrity does. Trust me. It'll be a lot. And so, every time, 500 five year olds are getting taken down. What? You didn't know that 2009 hated 5 year olds? Well, it did. Wait. Don't even think about saying I'm just using it as a why to feed my unhealthy desire to rid the Earth of them. That's just absurd, and I'm shocked and appalled that you would think such things. I thought you know me better than that... Well, pay tribute to a great year, Bear Watchers. When you see a 5 year old on the street, don't give him candy, don't ask him to help you find your puppy, and definitely don't coax him into your van. Just punch him in the face. Thank you, kindly.