In the suburbs of the Coral Reef lived a half-japanese male cat named Michelle. He worked as a postal worker, except no one appreciated him because no one used mail in the deep blue. He would drive his mail truck down every street, never making a stop. People just watched as he passed, throwing up on their pet krill. The dogfish would chase his truck and bite his spinal cord. The angry pillagers and vikings would chase him out of the town with torches and pikes, beating him every step of the way. And every night he would cry. So much in fact, that one day his mother's room filled up with his tears and she drowned. He loved her so much, and he couldn't handle losing her. It was his wit's end, and he was done with the unappreciative towns people. He was done. The next day, he went to work armed with a rope tied to a tire and prepared himself for murder. Busting into the first building in the town, he slayed 43 people, filleted them, and sold all of their pieces at a local asian restuarant. Afterwords, he realized it had been a nursing home/day care combo, and he was wanted for elderly child murder. Unknowingly, while he was high from acid, he had raped all of his victims. Rape isn't funny. That's honestly not a joke, even though this is a website of humorous content. Fuck rapists.

"And I say nay good sir," shouted the Tribal Chief of the Wandering Homeless of Australia. The islanders from the Phillipines had been negotiating with him, trying to buy his lucky feather hat. They had been trying to purchase it now for quite some time, but always recieved the same answer. Normally, the islanders would just attack someone for not agreeing with them, but the Australian Homeless were well trained in the art of Jujitsu. They were the best fighters in the southern hemisphere, and the islanders would not risk losing their entire population in a fight for the hat. But, it was a mighty hat, a magical hat, a hat that had the ability to summon milkshakes. Gallons upon gallons of milkshakes. Why, do you ask, are milkshakes so important? Well, that shouldn't even need to be said, and if you don't know, then you sir are a pompous asshole. Now, the reason is that milkshakes raise the morale of your troops, and with the troops morale so high, even the Wandering Homeless could be defeated. But, Oregano, the Tribal Chief, protected his lucky feather hat with his life. No one would ever take it from him. Not even Bill Cosby, and he was a badass. One day, however, Daniel Craig and the cast of Lost showed up in Australia, they fought the homeless, and they did take the hat. Now, they rule Australia with an iron fist, stamping out any revolters with their squad of Elite Wallabies, which are given crack cocaine to heighten their senses. So, for the rest of humanity, Australian citizens will bow to their dictators and suffer under their oppressive rule.

Imagine if Jesus Christ, the son of God, was actually a cowboy travelling through time, fighting off bandits with his .44 magnum. Or if every squirrel in the world turned into a Velociraptor, and they all went to a 1950's themed gay bar. Or if Canada grew some balls and actually participated in a war, instead of mooching off of America. Or if everyone in the world started acting like Canada, and we all got live in peace and harmony without war or poverty. Or if Barney the Dinosaur was caught on a bus naked, lathered in peanut butter, and was ejaculating on a small Croation woman. Or if the Three Wisemen all went to Los Vegas with Captain Planet, who had recently boughten a submarine, and gambled all of the gold that was in Fort Knox. Or if a huge Moose called Bagel jumped into the Carribean with only a half-drunken soda and his mother's uterus, and swam to the Bermuda Triangle, where he got sucked into the urethra of a giant squid. Or if we all went into space and fell into the largest well in the universe, only to discover it was actually all a dream narrated by Christopher Walken.

Bartholomew was sweating like a bitch as he ran from the homosexual brother of Godzilla, Gayzilla. Bartholomew was in terrible shape from his constant drug abuse, and coughed up one of his kidneys as he ran. He couldn't let Gayzilla catch him. It wasn't that he was homophobic or anything, but Gayzilla was a convicted rapist and Harold had given him Viagra. It was part of the training he had been going through for the past few weeks. It was hard work for the king. He ran and ran through the grove of dildos, which seemed like they would never end, but they soon did. At the end, Bartholomew could see the entry to the safety zone. Gayzilla was trailing right behind him, anal beads in hand and ready to pounce. Then, Bartholomew remembered something. THE RUSTY GARDEN SHOVEL!!! Without thinking twice, he aimed at the large and horny reptillian, and pressed the fire button. Yes. It had a fire button. Out of the shovel emerged a muscular Prairie Dog, who delivered the world's most powerful punch to Gayzilla's face. As the dust settled, the Prairie Dog stepped forward. "Cecil?!? Is that really you?" asked the very confused Bartholomew. Wiping his hands clean of the dirt, and his brow of sweat, Cecil lit a joint. Sitting down, he magically summoned an army of mice to form a drum circle around him. He looked up to Bartholomew, with the most reddened of eyes, and said, "sit good king. Enjoy this earthen plant with me. You must relax for now, for troubling times are ahead. You must take a moment of peace. Pray for our victory, for we need all the help we can get. Now, listen to my word. You have reached Woisenwinwater, Capitol of the Dildo Forrest and the Kingdom of Vagina. It is the home of the most powerful of magical creatures, and it is where my comrade, Harold, governs from. It is here that you will rally the troops that he has prepared for you, for he has decided you are ready. He sent his Leprechaun officials to Grizzly Mountain, and they surveyed the conditions. I had them send word to your father to give you the Summoning Shovel, for I knew you would succeed in your training. Since you have succeeded, and Harold has agreed to have his people fight, our chances have increased ginormously. We are now evenly matched with Quentin's forces, but not stronger. Still, I'm not quite sure we can win. I'm not allowed to fight to my full extent, for that would break the ties that bond the Universe together. Also, I haven't smoked enough weed, so I'm getting weaker, and I feel that my immortality is fading away. I'm being internally fucked. I haven't had time to smoke marijauna. So, if this battle is gonna be as big as I think, which is bigger than Narnia, then we might get fucked. Hard. With a spiked cock." The two men stood there, lost in thought. What if they lost? what if Quentin became Lord of the Earth? What if Desperate Housewives didn't get Tivo'd? It was all too much for one bear to handle. So, he went and saw his therapist, Megan Fox. And they madeout. HARD. REAL HARD. So hard in fact, that Bartholomew accidentally ripped her jaw off with his tongue. Sad :( But life went on, and Bartholomew had an apocalypse to prepare for.

Through the sands of time and through the seas of neon dolphins, there resides a band so powerful, so intense, and so radtasmic that Zeus himself can't stop himself from dancing. Obviously, I'm talking about Natalie Portman's Shaved Head. Emerging from the heart of Seattle, they have conquered the globe upon golden steeds blessed by Ghandi, fighting of the world's evil with their bass synth grooves. For years they have planned their rise to power, and they have finally initiated plan N.P.S.H.J.W.O. (Natalie Portman's Shaved Head Joins World Orgy) Soon, the world will bow in harmony and love, sexing it up to their beautiful music. I wil stand by their side as they run for president, unanimously winning. Forever we shall bow to the glory and the power of NPSH.

NPSH MYSPACE!!!

NPSH BLOG!!!

In a place unknown to most men, there lives a being of immense dullness that no one could comprehend. The place is of course Area 51, and the man is a janitor named Jim. He mops day and night, working his way from building to building, keeping the building spotless. He is in fact the most bland person in the history of the planet. The only thing that is in anyway special about him is the fact that his burly moustache was a member of Men at Work. If you don't know who they are, then you sir are a complete ignoramus. They sing "Land Down Under", and you've all heard it, and it will be stuck in your heads for the next few days. Now, back to the story. So Jim and his mustache continued their journeys through the building, only stopping when the band went on tour. They never truly understood the purpose of where they worked, and mopped forever. That was, however, until the entire building blew up from an Alien Revolution. Poor Jim was killed from the explosion, and his body was turned into a McChicken at McDonalds. His mustache was not killed, however, but somehow miraculously survived. He eventually went on to quit the band, and started his own reality show called "Who Wants to Fuck a Mustache". Sadly, no one signed up for the show. The mustache soon became very depressed, and started pretending Jim was still alive. His friends became very worried about this, watching him talk to himself all night, and finally sent him to a therapist. What they didn't know, was his therapist turned out to be an alien in disguise, wanting revenge for the mustache's participation in Area 51. The alien tried to shoot him with his ray gun, but the mustache quickly stabbed him in the neck with a ballpoint pen. Lying in the alien's blood, he wrote a long suicide note speaking of his hatred towards Celine Dion, his sorrow for Jim's passing, and his strange love affair with the Olson twins. Afterwards, he proceeded to shove himself through a paper shredder.

At the local outlet mall everyone had somewhere to shop. They had everything from sock stores to McDonalds, and everyone was friendly as can be. Even the homeless didn't bother anybody, which was very strange. It was all perfect, and Johnny Rainbow Ears, the homeless clown, loved the mall. It was his favorite place to be. That was, until something extraodinary happened. One day, as Johnny was picking through some garbage, he was struck over the back of the head with a propane tank. Normally, this would kill someone, but Johnny had been blessed years earlier by the shaman called Tom Hanks. Lying in his own blood, Johnny awoke to find the area empty as could be. Standing up, and clearing his vision, he realized it wasn't empty. Bodies filled the parking lot and the mall was ablaze. The corpses all seemed to be crushed with propane tanks, and Johnny was very confused. Suddenly, he heard a noise come from out of the garbage can. Out of it, came a midget, who was covered in blood. Crawling to Johnny, he spoke, "it was terrible. They came in the night, cannons firing. Everyone was hit with propane tanks. Everyone. I was only hit in the legs, so I crawled into the trash can for safety. I watched them murder everyone! The Scientologists. It was the Scientologists!" Johnny understood now. Years earlier, he had lead a group of Mole People against the Scientologists, banishing them to the worst place in the world. Mexico. Now, they had come back, armed and ready. He had to stop them. He needed to stop them. By the gods, he would stop them!

Bartholomew put on his cape and crown, and smoked his remaining bag of Crystal Meth. Eyes red like the ass of a Baboon, he turned and nodded to Cecil. Together they walked past the curtain in the doorway, and to the podium on the stage. There, they stood before the entire population of Vagina. The the mystical creatures looked up in a silent awe as Bartholomew's voice boomed throughout all of Woisenwinwater. "Citizens and friends, we are here today to strike down a menace to all of us, a tyrant that has invaded my homeland, and soon will invade yours. Quentin thinks he has the power and might to shun us, but is say nay! FUCK QUENTIN!!! Down with him, and down with his rule! He will pay for his treachery, and we, as mystical creatures, will have him castrated and have his anus filled with lava. He will be forced to spend a week in our kingdom. A week of doom. A week of vengeful bears. His betrayal will not go unpunished, as a sign that no one will ever take power as he has. We will start an alliance to make sure of it, and we will hold true. Tonight we march onto the Bear Empire, and we will reclaim Grizzly Mountain, and give freedom to our friends there! NOW WE MARCH!" finished the King, filling the mystical creatures with spirit and morale. Their might force marched on, lead by Cecil, Bartholomew, and Harold. They marched for three days straight, until coming upon the edge. And by edge, I mean the edge of the world. They all stared over it, for they saw no bottom or edge on the other side. Bartholomew just gazed to the sky, and made a coyote shadow with his hands, using the light of the Moon. Moments later, there was a mighty crashing sound, and a bright light. Suddenly a tennis racket the size of Mount Everest flew through the air, and hit the group! Luckily, it was padded. The army sailed through the air, finally landing in a grassy field. "Ahhh," sighed Bartholomew, standing up, smiling, and said, "welcome to my kingdom. Home of the bears." Everyone looked dumbfounded, and he shouted, "oh, and thanks Zeus!" "DON'T MENTION IT!" boomed a voice coming from the sky. The group soon reestablished themselves, and turned towards a mountain stabbing at the sky. Grizzly Mountain. It was there that they would face Quentin, and where they would attempt to bring peace to the world. This battle was going to be badass. Marching forward, the group prepared themselves for the battle to come. Reaching the edge of the mountain, Cecil signaled them all to wait for a moment. Running to the statue of Sir Bearington, he did a wax on wax off motion on his nipples. Soon, the statue raised, revealing an entrance way. A large iron door opened, and out came a flaming tampon, going almost too fast to see. "Tamponio! It's me," shouted Cecil, ducking just quick enough to avoid being impaled by the projectile. "Well fuck. You almost made me kill you, you asshole. You need to be more careful, or else your gonna be dead before the end of this fight. Fuck," quipped the frustrated Tamponio. Cecil just nodded in agreement. Then, after Tamponio's signal, several bears and prairie dogs came out of the hatch, including Zacchaeus. He looked about the same, only a lot more confident. "What's gotten into him?" asked Bartholomew. "Well, as it turns out, Quentin accidentally didn't give him a zombification disease. It was some Viagra. I know. Viagra. And an excessive dose too, so he's been 'rockin' it for the past 2 weeks," said a somewhat disturbed Tamponio. Bartholomew didn't respond, and the group kept marching up the mountain. Finally, they reached the gate to the city. For some reason, it was left open, and no key was necessary. Walking in, the group soon realized why it hadn't been locked. Quentin was standing only a few feet in, surrounded by an army of Camel Spiders. "Shit..." spoke Bartholomew, Cecil, Harold, Tamponio, and Zacchaeus in unison. "YES! Cecil, you will now pay for what you've done to me! I have been awaiting this revenge for quite sometime, and now you will die!" shouted a bloodthirsty Quentin. "Revenge?" questioned Bartholomew. "Oh, he didn't tell you? Well, it figures. He's always been a treacherous son of a bitch. Just like that night, 18 YEARS AGO!!!" everyone went silent, Cecil got a very uncomfortable look on his face, and Quentin went on, saying, "yes. You remember Cecil. High School. Prom. I went with Susie Goodman, the girl I had been in love with since 5th grade. You, went with no one, drunk as usual. She wanted some punch, so I went to get some, but I came back to something terrible. You were fucking here right there. On the gym floor. You bastard! YOU FUCKING BASTARD!" Everyone turned and looked at Cecil, who was just looking at his feet awkwardly. Quentin just fell to the floor crying. Looking up, he said, "I forgive you Cecil. I forgive you. My pastor said I needed to forgive you to be able to move on in life, so I am." Cecil's eyes brightened up, and he shouted, "really?" Then, from nowhere, a refridgerator hit Quentin in the side of the head, crushing him and several of the Camel Spiders. On the hilltop stood the Unicorns, Bartholomew's father, JMII, Connor Kraft the Narwhal Lord, and Jesus Christ atop Pegasus. In front of them was a catapult, in which they had launched the fridge. "YAHOOOOOO!" shouted JMII, as they rode the Unicorns down the hill, to the group. The Unicorn group was very excited, while everyone else had a "what the fuck?" look on their face. Everyone just stood there, awkwardly. "Well," began Cecil, "I think we've all learned a valuable lesson today, and we can put this all behind us. Today will be the start of a new alliance, the Holy Council of Sex. It will be here to ensure that no one takes power over the rest of us, and it's members have already been decided. The members are as follow: Myself, Bartholomew, Harold, Tamponio, Zacchaeus, The Whale Gods, Ryan, Jack, Connor, and Pegasus. Our human representatives will obviously be Brad Pitt and Morgan Freeman. Now, let's all sing Kumbaya!"

"If the world were made of cheese, I'd have killed myself along time ago," commented Professor T. Moosefellow. TJ willfully accepted his graded essay, which had a big fat "F" written in red. "Thanks, dick," he whispered. The professor whipped around, eyes ablazed with anger, as he shouted, "you arrogant child! Get out! Get out! TO THE PRINCIPAL!!!" TJ did as he was told, and made the long journey to the dreaded office. It was there that he would face a demon. Arriving at the door, he paused. Moving his hand slowly towards the knob, it swung open. The room was completely dark, and was filled with a freezing chill. Out of the darkness a voice spoke, saying, "come in." Walking in, the door slammed shut, and a light came on. There, sat the principal. Looking up, you could see his rectangular mustache, and those cold eyes. "Hello, TJ. Vy are you here?" asked the principal, Adolf Hitler. "I'm sorry sir. I made a mistake. I di-" "A MISTAKE?!?! Vell, dat cannot be tolevated. You vill bow, vor I am Adolf Hitler. Und you vill pet my puppies, Blubevvy und Pudding." Then, the evil principal let out his two poodles. "Now, pet dem. Pet dem vell." Then, against his will, TJ started to pet the dogs. "NOOOOOOO," he shouted, and was never seen again.

In the deep jungles of South America, an adventurer would arise. His name was Roger J. Carmichael, and he was on a mission. For the past 2 years he had been searching for a mysterious object called the Gateway, which would be able to take him to a hidden dimension. He had read about this hidden dimension on the walls of ancient Mayan structures, which were scattered throughout all of South America. At this point, he had no clue where to start looking for the Gateway, but he would soon find out. He was heading for an ancient structure called The Great Phallus, which was said to be the only way to find the Gateway. Searching through acres of Rainforest, Roger decided to rest. Sitting down and taking a sip from his Mountain Dew, Roger began to think about why he was was on this journey. What was in this hidden dimension? What would he do there? Would he survive? Dismissing the questions, he stood up, only to find himself face to face with a '57 Hollowbody. "Well, aren't you a sneaky one. I assume you've come to see The Great Phallus, aye? Hmmmm. As the guardian, it's my decision whether you pass or not, but Zeus told me I should let you pass. So, on you go Roger," spoke JMII, who obviously had the urge to play a riff on his guitar that would shatter Roger's bones. Stepping aside, JMII allowed Roger to pass, and step onto the trail leading to the mighty statue. After walking for a few minutes, Roger caught sight of it. It was grand. The giant penis jutted at the sky, golden in all it's glory. Gazing with awe, Roger could only say, "daaaaammmmmnnnnn." Climbing atop the hill it was built upon, he was able to get to the very base of the mighty cock. At a closer look, Roger was able to notice a symbol on the front of The Great Phallus, which was of the Sun. Putting his hand on the marking, he became very shocked and leaped back. Where the symbol had been, a large door appeared, opening up for Roger's entrance. Speaking to himself again, he said, "well, this one calls for a holy fuck." Walking in, the door shut, and several lights came on. At this, Roger realized something. The Great Phallus was a rocket!!!

After Earth was sucked into a black hole, and the Moon got sucked into the Sun's orbit, humans were forced to find a new place to live. The UN had been working together, building a space station that was in the Mars orbit. Just before the Moon collapsed and all hope was lost, legendary hero Brad Pitt led a group to the shuttle for safety. The government had special escape pods for all the government associates, but none for the average man or woman, putting the Moon into a social anarchy before the fall even took place. They searched for a way off the lunar deathtrap, but none was found. That was, however, until our hero arose. At the Intergalactic Oscars of 2019, Brad Pitt gave a speech worth remembering. As he took the stage, he began speaking of how he was going to bring peace to his people, stop the governments reign, and lead them to a place much greater than any they had ever lived. A place of safety. The crowd listened with awe, grasping on to this promise for salvation. Before Pitt was able to leave the stage, a group of government Special Forces burst through the entrance ways, mowing down most of the audience with their enhanced ray guns. Quickly, Brad was able to grab a small group of the attendees, including Morgan Freeman, Robin Williams, Leonardo DiCaprio, Oprah Winfrey, Tina Fey, and Sean Connery. Pitt took them to his secret hideout behind a local 7-11, and had them board his makeshift rocket. It was constructed from a dumpster and an old dirtbike motor, but it managed. The rocket was fueled from the fry grease from a McDonalds, which gave them plenty of fuel to get to their destination. Pluto. It was their that they were welcomed by the Vikings, whose homeland is on the planet. The Vikings quickly told them about the prophecy in which a man would bring brilliant men and women to their planet, and that man must be crowned king. So, for the rest of eternity and in every part of time that is rememberable, the Viking Lord Brad Pitt ruled the entire universe, pillaging planets with his might Viking force, and finding a mystical diamond in the anus of a Blargian Snagglebeast, which made him an Infinite Demon.

After ruling over the Bear Kingdom for 80 glorious years, Sir Bearington knew he needed a successor. He could not let the Bear Kingdom go unruled, so he created a new system in which a new ruler would be predetermined, and trained for several years before taking the throne. To stop the King's from overstaying their term, he created a magical serum that would be placed into the blood of every Bear King before they took the throne. The serum made it so as soon as their term was over, they would venture to Rape Cliff and sacrifice themselves to the Great Fountain by being raped repeatedly. The Great Fountain is what allowed the bears to live so long and keep their homeland hidden to unwanted eyes. So, with Sir Bearington's system in effect, he had to choose a predecessor. The bear he chose was called Rufus, and he was a very respected and honorable scholar. After giving up the throne to Rufus, Sir Bearington went to Rape Cliff and sacrificed his body for the good of the bears. Because he was the first to sacrifice himself, his soul was preserved and became one with the Kingdom itself. Some say it was a miracle, but most believe it was the work of Cecil. Soon after Bearington's bond with the Kingdom, Cecil came to Rufus and offered him a gift he could not refuse. It was a massive statue of Sir Bearington, blessed with magical properties allowing Bearington himself to channel his thoughts and messages through the statue. It was placed at the base of Grizzly Mountain, and since then the great Bear Kings have gone to it to seek his advice.

"Wait," shouted JMII as Roger boarded The Great Phallus, continuing, "I'm going with you." Roger just nodded, and the two boarded the giant penis rocket, hitting the ignition switch. As the rocket took off, it's flames ignited the forest, creating the largest forest fire in history. It resulted in every tree in South America to burn down, and many children as well. But it didn't matter to the two men. They were on an epic quest with much more pressing issues ahead. JMII rested his '57 Hollowbody against the control panels and reclined his chair. "Ah. Here comes the Sun," referenced the assistant of Christ. "The Sun? What the fuck? How are we supposed to survive there? What's on the Sun?" frantically questioned Roger. "What's on the Sun?," chuckled JMII, "well that's simple. It's Cecil's home. We gotta get that son of a bitch before we can get anyone else. How else do you expect to find the Gateway? Masturbating? Growing a burly mustache and pretending to be buff? Opening a catering business specializing in sushi? All good ideas, but they won't work. That's why you need Cecil and the rest of the Council." Roger was still a bit confused about this whole "Council" business, but he didn't question it. He had to convince himself that they would somehow survive their trip to the Sun, as they grew ever closer. Suddenly, The Great Phallus was hit by a massive object. Roger's legs were torn off, and The Great Phallus was split in half. JMII was stuck in one piece, while a now legless Roger was in the other. Before falling unconscience, Roger was able to catch a glimpse of a massive frozen piece of shit floating by. It was the droppings of a Space Turtle, known to often destroy satellites and Interstellar Pizza Delivery Vans. With that, Roger lost his ability to stay awake, and fell into a deep slumber.

Billions of years ago, just after the invention of McDonald's, two women made a discovery that would forever change the world as we know it. Those women were the great explorers Lexi Swanson and Trina Eck. They were also notable Girl Scouts at the time, and got their profits from selling delicious cookies to foolish adults. When they had enough money, they used it to buy an old viking ship by the name of Thor's Erection. This is obviously a reference to the myth that Thor could produce an erection at lightning speed, because the ship was the faster in the sea. Taking their beautiful vessel from their port in Seattle, they made their journey to uncharted territory beneath the tip of South America. For 6 months they travelled, only stopping to refuel on rum and prostitutes, and of course the occasional fight with pirates. The most notable was the battle of Ole Thornbum, who was a savage pirate who had had an accident involving sitting on a porcupine. During this battle, they used wit and managed to escape by sending Ole Thornbum's ship in the way of the dreaded Kraken. Afterwards, they were able to continue their journey, and reached the coast of an icy territory on the day of January 23rd, 477 B.C. Making a base camp, they managed to sleep for only a single night before their entire crew was eaten up by a pack of penguins. Who had guns. And Fu Man Chu mustaches. Escaping the near death experience, the pair were able to reach the base of a mountain called Mount Won't You Be My Neighbor, which was later changed to Mount Kirkpatrick. Reaching the summit in only a day, the two were surprised to find a cabin at the top. Needing shelter, they knocked on the door, hoping for a kind inhabitant. As the door opened, an elderly man in a sweater answered. "Well hello there," he said, "my names Fred Rogers. Would you like to come in?" The pair immediately said yes and entered the warm cabin. After having a cup of coffee by the fire, Mister Rogers asked them if they'd like to see his room. Thinking that he wanted sexual favors, the girls obliged and followed him to the back of the house. Unexpectedly, however, he didn't. Instead, there were about two dozen penguins waiting inside, and they wanted blood. So, the penguins got their revenge on the girls, and all was peaceful in Mister Roger's Neighborhood.

It was 2038, the Pentagon had burned down, and it was times like these that the United States went into total chaos. The government had fallen apart, and the human race as we know it had become no longer the top of the food chain. A new race had risen, and they were taking control with extreme force. It was the Meerkats that took control, and they were ruthless. Men and women were locked in cages and shipped to Manhattan, where many of them drowned because of over population and the island sunk. The few that survived were able to swim ashore, where they were met by a Meerkat Strick Force, armed with pitching machines. The survivors were pelted as they reached the shore, and General Meankat, the leader of the Meerkat forces, went down and beat them all with his signature Anal Bead Whip. They were then taken to the Lincoln Memorial, which had been turned into a High Security Containment Facility. It was there that they stayed for little over a year, and met a man named Bill Dillon. Bill had been a ninth grade LA Honors teacher in Washington State, and hadn't aged since the early 2000's. Some believe he had come across the Fountain of Youth, but most just thought he was a gift from God. He had made the trip to D.C. shortly after the rise of the Meerkats, and established a group called the Black Chinchilla. It was this group that was able to stop the Meerkat's spread for a short time, but were eventually stopped when Mr. Dillon was captured. While in captivity, he had been organizing a Revolution, and all of the prisoners looked up to him and wished to follow his lead. So one day, on July 4th of 2040, Dillon lead the assault on the guards at the Memorial. Using large rocks, they were able to bash in the skulls of the Meerkat guards, and gain control of the Laffy Taffy factory there. You see, the Meerkat's were so powerful because of the Laffy Taffy, and since they had control of it, they had control of all of the Meerkat's. Dillon, after years of orgies, had recieved every STD known to man, and some only known to sheep. Thrusting his body into the vat, he was able to infect all of the Meerkat's within a week and caused them to become sick. By the year 2042, every Meerkat had died from the diseases, and the Human race regained control. Well, that was until in 2057 when the Earth was taken over by Bush Babies.

Waking up, Roger rubbed his eyes to clear his vision. In front of him, he could see a donkey staring at his face, which was obviously just another dream. Rubbing his eyes again and fully waking up, Roger realized something. That donkey was real. "Shit! Where the hell am I?," screamed the confused explorer. The donkey just smiled and chuckled a wee bit. That was when Roger noticed something odd. The donkey was walking on his hind legs! "Who are you," he questioned. The donkey pulled up a stool next to Roger's hay bed, and said, "the name's Red. Red Cornshaw. I'm just a local farmer heh, and I own the hundred acres that surround meh cabin. The 'eal question is, who eh you?" Roger just gazed at Red, unblinkingly, astonished. Finally, he stuttered, "I'm....I'm....I'm Roger...I'm....from.....from Earth." Suddenly, Red got the most excited like in his eyes, showing more enthusiasm than Roger new possible. "Ah man! I been waitin' for you teh git heh! Lemme go in teh back, an' git suit!" Running to the opposite side of the room, Red opened up a door and disappeared for a few moments. Roger just sat there, completely confused, and tried to decide whether or not to leave. Just as he had made the decision to leave, Red burst through the door in something that was extremely disgusting. It was a pink speedo that had a picture of Willy Nelson on the crotch, and he had on an excessive amount of makeup. Walking closer to Roger, he called, "nah come on ya litta rascal. I paid good money for tis, and I ain't waitin' nah longa. So climb up inna meh arms little boy." Backing up into a corner, Roger had no where to run. The donkey rapist was coming closer and closer to him, and it reminded him of a weekend he spent in Tijauna. Only feet away, Red's eyes were filled with sexual desire, for he had not seen anyone in 38 years, and being a donkey, he couldn't masturbate with his hooves. Starting to drool, he jumped at Roger in his daze. Reacting rast, pushed a large metal machine in front of him. Turns out it was a Woodchipper, and the donkey was soon vaporized against the wall. Sighing with relief, Roger slid to the floor. He would fallen asleep at that very moment had someone not burst through the door. It was a might winged horse, coming to Roger's salvation. Pegasus. 

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