<- December 2008 or February 2009 ->

Gayfest 2009® - January 1st, 2009

2009. Anything special about it? No. Maybe. YES! It's the year of the Ox. Now, that may not mean anything to you, but trust me, it's very important. You see, the ancient priest Lars Zucrinuchoxinboiger made a prediction about 2009. He foretold of how the Oxen would overthrow their masters, then start mass global inbreeding. Soon, the Oxen will control all the world, destroying it by 2012. Everyone will either be dead, slaves, or become Man-Ox halfbreeds. It will be terrible, and we cannot stop it. No matter what. Not even with nukes. Or Barracudas. Or really, really stale popcorn. Seriously. Were gonna be fucked with a capital F. So take that Donald Trump. Mhmm. This entire Ox conspiracy was a ruse to distract Donald Trump, that way, I could take all of his money. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA. That would be awesome. Too bad it was a lie. That means were all still gonna die. Eventually. Cause everyone dies, it's just part of life. And 2009 is gonna suck. Suck male prostitutes at Gayfest 2009® (2009 is definitely male. Deal with it feminists.) But seriously. Oxen are gonna fuck us up like Donkey Kong.

King Moonblob Dance-Master - January 2nd, 2009

Far off, into distant, unheard of lands, there lives a bowl of jelly. Yes. He is a bowl, and he is filled with jelly. His name is Drewy, and he lives with a spoon named Flab. Yes. He is a spoon. They live a very peaceful life, only speaking in Swedish and frequently dancing to techno. They are the greatest dancers to ever walk the Earth, dancing so good it makes Basshunter cry a tear of joy. Many have attempted to beat them in dance offs, only to die from exhaustion. Since they aren't human, Drewy and Flab can't get exhausted. Because of this, they dance non-stop. Always. Getting better and better, they are dancing their way past the top, to the moon. There, they will challenge Goober, a King Moonblob Dance-Master. If they are able to defeat him, they will become Moon Kings, ruling the Earth from there lunar throne. If they choose to, they would then be able to enter the Galactic Dance Off. Together, they would have to dance against the best dancers in the whole Milky Way. The winner would become ruler of the galaxy, controlling it with muscular dancing thighs. We, as a people, must pray that Drewy and Flab win, otherwise, the galaxy will end up in the hands of one of the other dancers, who are all evil. Evil beyond imagine. They kick puppies. That's sad. :'( But, that's how the world is. Gay. 

The Rule of Bartholomew (Part 3) - January 3rd, 2009

"Down with the Beararchy! It is a treacherous group, telling its citizens nothing but lies. We shall overcome this tyranny, instating a new government! A more powerful government! Down with the Prairie Dogs! Down with Cecil! Down with the king!" shouted Zacchaeus from his podium. Thousands of Zacchinites stood before him, hanging on his every word. He had them. Soon, he would take the throne. He would create the first class of Bear Socialism, becoming more powerful than ever. He would lead the bears against the Communists, eventually against the world. He would rule. The only person in his way was that damn Bartholomew. He was a good leader. A great leader. He needed to be taken care of, but he was too smart. Far off, near the coast of Alaska, the army of Bartholomew was assembling. It was filled with Bears, Prairie Dogs, and Unicorns. Together, they marched. For days and days, they would march. They would reach the Bear Empire by the morn, and a battle would ensue. The rest of the world depended on this battle. If they lost, all would fall into the hands of Zacchaeus. That could not happen. Bartholomew would not let that happen. The battle of a millennium was upon them, and it would show the true strength and courage of the Bear King. He would prove himself. He would make his father's journey purposeful. He would fulfill the prophecy. He would save the entire world. 

A Sad Day For a Hippo - January 4th, 2009

Somewhere in the Dildo Forest, there lived a lovable kangaroo. His name was Dedrick. He was the kindest creature in all the lands, pleasing everyone he met. He was also the mayor of Dildo Forest, which was a job that he loved. During the day, Dedrick would go and play with his friend Fred the Dildojack (Dildo Forest = They chop down dildos). Fred was a big and strong Hippo, the only one in all of the Forest. He was also the the Forest's protector, guarding it day and night with his mighty rainbow axe. The two were best of friends, doing everything together. Everything. One day, the two decided to go skipping through the meadows. While they were doing so, Fred warned Dedrick not to get too close to the edge of the nearby canyon. Dedrick, being curious, decided to skip that way. He hopped and hopped, and hopped some more. Fred skipped after him, shouting, trying to get him to stop. The young kangaroo kept skipping, turning his head back. In that split second, he skipped too far. His small body tumbled down the cliff, breaking bones, shattering his spine, and ripping open veins and arteries. Down, down, young Dedrick fell. He reached the bottom, somehow surviving. "Dedrick! Don't move! I'm comin' down to help ya little buddy. Just you wait," shouted Fred. As he began to make his way down the cliff's edge, something terrible happened. A pack of wolves came out of nowhere, leaping onto Dedrick's limp body. They began ripping him apart, limb by limb. Fred screamed in anger. Tears streaming down his face, he tried to climb down. Maybe, he could get down before anything was too severe. No. Dedrick was beyond saving. His head had been severed by the wolves, then placed onto a spear. They then began to do a dance around it, seeing Kumbaya. Finally, Fred reached the bottom. He ran at the wolves, decapitating and crushing them with his mighty rainbow axe. Blood. Everywhere. Fred fell down, crying in the pools of blood before him.   

The Dildo Forest and a Sad, Sad Caterpillar - January 5th, 2009

Billions of years ago, something magical, yet terrible happened. You see, there was this small caterpillar, who was a boy. He was completely in love with this girl caterpillar, no doubt about that. Everything was going great and he was loving his situation. He had the best caterpillar in all the land! Terribly, he did something he soon regretted. He tried to apologize to the girl caterpillar, but she seemed to be avoiding him. Every time the little caterpillar thought what he did, he felt as sad as could be. He regretted what he'd done, and he still didn't know if his caterpillar love would ever forgive him. Then, one day, in his complete and infinite regret, he created something magical. He chose to make something to help take his mind off of the situation. This was very hard, because the girl caterpillar was all he ever thought about. She was amazing. She was wonderful. She was perfect. He hated himself. He thought of the most magical place possible, and imagined himself there. He had imagined a magical forest, but something went wrong. He accidentally thought about his regretful act, causing everything to change. The trees melted, turning into dildos. He screamed at the site. He ran and ran. What the little caterpillar didn't know was that he had suddenly caused bad things to happen all the time. The creatures living in the forest now had the worst of luck. It was terrible. He now had no place to just drift off to. Now all he had was his thoughts, and to think of the thing he regretted most.

The Rule of Bartholomew (Part 4) - January 6th, 2009

It had all come down to this. This final moment. An epic battle would ensue throughout all of the Bear Empire, leaving many dead, and the fate of the kingdom would be decided. Bartholomew and Cecil lead there armies through the massive golden gates, entering into the wonderful land of the bears. Inside, a group of Zacchinite Bears were waiting for them. At the head of the group, there stood a young, yet large bear that Bartholomew recognized. His name was Tamponio. He was a fine bear, excelling in both his education and the military. It was obvious he would have a successful career in the armed forces of the bears, but he had joined the Zacchinites early on, quickly becoming the second in command. He was now a powerful general, ready to lose it all for the sake of the Zacchinites. "Step down Tamponio, you cannot possibly think you could take on our entire army with only eight bears. It would be an unwise move to fight us here, young bear," spoke the wise Bartholomew. Tamponio merely laughed, throwing a tampon at an unexpecting prairie dog. The deadly projectile flew true, hitting the small warrior in his skull. Dead. Cecil then reached towards the sky, summoning flaming chunks of the Hubble Telescope from space. They collided with Tamponio's group, killing all of his men. Alone. "You will regret that rat! The wrath of the Zacchinites will be upon you soon, and you will see our power. We have control over Grizzly Mountain, along with its Meth Tanks. We are unstoppable. Heed my words. If you were smart Bartholomew, you would surrender now and let us kill these rats. But you won't. Too proud. Well, that shall be your downfall. Down with you mother fucking son of a bitch bastards!" screamed Tamponio as he climbed atop his Giant Sea Turtle. The General sped away on his steed, heading for the capitol. The group had a new problem to look forward to. The Zacchinites had the Meth Tanks, which almost meant unlimited power. This would be the toughest battle yet, and it would truly test the strength of the bear monarchy.

Chode Chimps - January 7th, 2009

Hello my colleagues,

                              Here at the Institute of Scientific Research for a Less Gay Tomorrow we have been precariously working on a very top secret formula. For years we have been trying to find the right combination of chemicals to form this formula, but our efforts have been futile. Until, last night that is. Our top scientist, Archibald S. Garrison, began mixing Orange Juice, Rusty Nails, Spray Paint, and the semen of a Mongoose. The result was the formula. He achieved what was thought to be impossible, not to mention improbable. He created a formula to increase the size of your penis. I promise, this is no joke. For the past two days we have been testing the formula on chimpanzees, which was a complete success. The chimps all had visible growth within minutes. Now, the growth was about extreme, adding an average of 8 feet in length and 30 feet around. Chodes. That is the only side effect. You will, most certainly, have a chode by the end of usage. It will be a large chode though, we promise. Sadly, you most likely won't be able to do anything with these massive chodes, since they are 8 foot long chodes. We apologize. Really. So, if you feel bad about the size of your penis because the first girl you tried to have sex with laughed uncontrollably, well, then our formulas the one for you! So come on down and pick up yours today!

 Sincerely,

                Professor J. H. Cumminyerbuttly

Life on Mars - January 8th, 2009

"One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind," spoke Neil Armstrong.

"Will you shut the fuck up Neil? Seriously. Were stuck on fucking Mars, and you want to be Mr. Quotemethirtyyearsfromnow! God," yelled a somewhat irritated Buzz Aldrin.

NA - "Sorry, Buzz. Just trying to lighten the mood."

BA - "Lighten the mood? Really? For fuck's sake, you got us here asshole! Why don't you try to get us back?"

NA - "Hey man. Can you not be so harsh? It's not even my fault..."

BA - "NOT YOUR FAULT?!?!? HOW IS IT NOT YOUR FAULT?!?!? YOU FELL ASLEEP WHILE I WAS IN CRYOGENIC SLUMBER! YOU SPILLED YOUR SLUSHY ON THE CONTROL PANEL! YOU SMOKED WEED IN THE COCKPIT! IT'S TOTALLY YOUR FAULT!!!"

NA - "Oh..."

BA - " Ya. Oh."

NA - "Well, if it makes you feel any better, I have some pizza pockets left."

BA - "I think I'm going to kill you."

NA - "No!"

BA - "Oh. Ya. I'm going to kill you. I'm going to stomp your fucking head into the ground."

NA - "You can't do that! There's no gravity here, so ha!"

BA - "Jesus God almighty."

NA - "I'm sorry. I really am. Man, why are we fighting? These are probably gonna be the last days of our lives, and it's just us here. No one else. All alone. It's kinda cute..."

BA - "What the fuck did you say?!?!"

NA - "Ok. I'm going out on a limb here, but I think you feel the same way. I want to make love to you Buzz, because I love you. More than anything. There I sai-"

In that very moment, Buzz erupted in a mushroom cloud of anger. No one knows what happened next, except that Buzz ended up ripping Neil's dick off, and eventually being raped Martians.

Woisenwinwater - January 9th, 2009

In a cave just south of Cape Cod, there exists things that man thought to be legends. Inside, there is an entrance to a mythical city. A mythical city that is in fact, two cities. It's name is Woisewinwater, but it had gone under many different aliases, such as El Dorado and Atlantis. It is the city of cities, filled with the most wonderful of wonders. It is ruled by the famed Sasquatch, king of all of Woisenwinwater. Under his loyal service are the Loch Ness Monster who is his vice president. The aliens are his secret service, the cyclops' are his military, and the leprechauns his elected officials. Woisenwinwater is also home to Chewbacca, Lenard Nemoy, the Men in Black, Chupacabra, fairies, the original unicorns, dragons, gryphons, gorgons, Cerberus, the Beatles, the abominable snowman, elves, pixies, and lumberjacks. Also, it's a favored vacation spot for wizards. Grand as can be, Woisenwinwater is the ideal vacation resort for you. Come join in the fun, otherwise, the Gods of Olympus won't be able to serve you drinks by the pool. You heard right! Poolside drinks served by the Gods themselves, and for a limited time only, you get a free feather hat! FEATHER HAT!!! Come one, come all, to the magical resort at Woisenwinwater! 

The Rule of Bartholomew (Part 5) - January 10th, 2009

Carcasses of bears and prairie dogs alike were laid across the field. They had been attacked in the night, Tamponio blazing through with a much larger group than before. He was making a statement, and Bartholomew was going to send one right back. He would meet with Zacchaeus soon, and possibly enclose a deal. He would not waste the lives of his people any longer. This entire thing would be over soon. He would turn himself in, surrender. As Bartholomew walked out of his tent, Cecil was outside waiting for him. "You don't have to do this, you know. We'll fight to the end. We'll obliterate that asscock of a bear. I promise," spoke Cecil, trying to make Bartholomew rethink his decision. The bear king just shook his head, handing Cecil his father's lucky meth pipe. It was a sign that he would not see his friend again. Not letting sadness show, the young bear sat upon his Unicorn friend Guapo, who had an extreme addiction to cocaine. Very extreme. "Odele mutha fuckers! Dis is how we do it lika' cholo! Reppin' my latino brothas since '96, bitch!" screamed the very, very high Unicorn. With that, the two were off, heading for Grizzly Mountain to meet with the iron fisted ruler called Zacchaeus. It would be settled upon arrival, the bears having to bow before the Zacchinites. The once great ruler would no longer have a place in the Bear Kingdom. The days of Bartholomew were at their end.

Imagine: The Strange Stories of a Generation; Issue 1 - January 11th, 2009

Imagine if life were filled with Boxes of Mike'n'Ikes parachuting down to an island with one palm tree, after getting really, really high. Then, right before they hit land, their eaten by a disfigured shark with a bladder infection. Or if there were little men living inside your kitchen and everytime you go to sleep, they eat one grain of salt. The only thing is, every time they eat salt they turn into a gay convention and get disgusting stains on your couch. Or if the DMV were secretly working for the Russians, but instead of getting paid with money they got in blowjobs. Then, the Russians took the ejaculate and made an army of clones. Or if the penguins from March of the Penguins were actually serial killers working for Morgan Freeman, and everytime they kill someone they have to feed it to the seals who are actually the blood brothers of Mr. Freeman. Or if by reading this random compilation of things that make absolutely no sense and have no purpose, you are actually letting thousands and thousands of Platypus die. But the only thing is, no one cares because Platypus' are mutant freaks that are formed by random animal fucking.

The Rule of Bartholomew (Part 5 1/2) - January 12th, 2009

8 O'clock. Temple of the Whale Gods. Shits going down. All seven Whale Gods have grouped together for a special meeting, one that will decide the fate of all of us. The Whale Gods have stood by for a very long time, acting as neutral parties between the Bear Kings and Lord Cecil, but their neutralism has come to an end. The Bear King Bartholomew and Cecil have now formed an alliance against a single enemy, going by the name of Zacchaeus. Since they are fighting together, a loss would be intolerable. The Bear Kings, Cecil, and Whale Gods are all needed to run the planet without it falling into anarychy, and if they lose, then Bartholomew and Cecil will both be dead. The Gods could not allow that. That is why the current meeting is occuring. Quentin, Jarsaphloe, Dawk, Goozpie, Reggie, Joaquim, and Zeraphim had all agreed to meet, sitting at the large round table. After several months of planning, they finally made a decision. They must rush to the aid of the Bartholomew and Cecil. They must crush the Zacchinites. They must save humanity.

Imagine: The Strange Stories of a Generation; Issue 2 - January 13th, 2009

Imagine if the world was made out of a giant scoop of vanilla ice cream, but it was also only an inch away from the sun. Plus, the O-zone was sentenced to death as the last act of George W. Bush. Or what if lizards suddenly came out to the world and announced their homosexuality, but they were against the use of condoms. Or if trees were secretly in cahoots with the zombified corpse of Adolf Hitler, and they were planning a mass slaughter against Jewish Lumberjacks, but the Jewish Lumberjacks were actually highly skilled assassins trained by a master samurai. Or if the Hubble Telescope was actually Zeus' giant dildo, but it had to set to 'Burn The Skin Off Your Face' mode before using. Or if a rampaging Moose ran through a mid-western K-mart, killing 83 five year olds and only stopping to listen to his favorite Elvis vinyls. Or if Giraffes didn't exist. Because they don't.

The Rule of Bartholomew (Part 6) - January 14th, 2009

Guapo made quick time across the vast Bear Kingdom, only stopping for the occasional butterfly hunt. Bartholomew was trying to see his favorite dessert as much as possible lately. You see, he loved eating those butterflies and he rarely ever got to. This was going to be his last chance if he was right about what would happen next. It was an early Sunday morning when they arrived at the metropolis known as Grizzly Mountain. The actual city was built around the mountain, which was gigantic. It was covered in lush wildlife and had a rocky point. At the top, rested a large statue of the the greatest bear king of all, Lord Bearington, who was the founder of all of the Bear Kingdom. He gave Bartholomew hope. Maybe this wouldn't be as bad as he thought. Then, a ray of light shown down before him. It was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen, and it made him feel a sudden warmth. At the end of the ray of light was what appeared to be an unconscience Jesus. Yes. It was definitely Jesus. "My Lord," called Bartholomew, continuing, "are you okay?" "Wha?!?! Where the fu?!?! Who in the?!?! Wait. Oh. Your Barty boy, huh? Sorry about that. I was at a wicked party last night, there was soooooo much LSD. Seriously. And there was like four million chicks. It was awesome. I wish God had his birthday more often. Oh. Right. Well, I'm Jesus Mark II. You probably knew that, but I'm here to give you support or something. Actually, I don't really care. Just the big man telling me to do his dirty work. The usual. Oh, by the way. Your dad says hi. More like high. Because he does drugs," spoke the ever holy, ever strange man with many names. He was a friend of his father. A good friend. With that, the King walked forward into the city, a new sense of pride about him. Inside all of the bear villagers stood back, all looking very scared. They seemed frightened of him, but why? He would find out soon enough, because only 20 feet away stood General Tamponio. He motioned Bartholomew to follow him, which he did. They walked up the large staircase encircling the mountain, all the way up to the grand throne room. When they entered, there was what appeared to be a penis sitting on the throne. In all truth, it was actually Zacchaeus in a large penis costume. It was really fucked up. "Didn't expect that, did ya? I'm very shocking. You'll learn that about me soon," confidently spoke the evil bear. Stepping forward, he reached out his hand to shake with Bartholomew. The honorable bear refused without thought. "Fine then. We'll do this the hard way. You will fall at my hands and all the bears in this kingdom will think me a hero," said Zacchaeus. "A hero?!?! Your the cruelest bear I've ever met. Your destroying this kingdom," shouted the angered king. Zacchaeus nodded, and then began to preach his plan, "you are oh so right Bartholomew. I am a cruel, intolerable, iron fisted ruler, but they do not know that. They listen to my every whim. They believe that you were planning to kill the humans and go on a rampage. It could not be tolerated. So, they followed me to kingship. I am now lord, and they despise you. They think you to be a treacherous coward, and that works to my advantage. Soon, the Whale Gods will arrive along with your army, to try and save you. It won't work though, for I have planned this to the fullest extent. I have someone else on my side. Someone much more powerful. Someone with a grudge. To these people, you will look like the villain who destroyed all of our city in a violent rage. It will be perfect." What could this all mean? How did he know all of this information? How did he know that the Whales and his army was coming to his aid? It was impossible. However he knew, it would definitely spell doom for the bears.

 To Be Continued In "The Revenge of a Whale"

Epic Pushup Montage - January 15th, 2009

In ancient Rome there was a mighty warrior who went by the name of Clamio. The strange thing about Clamio is that he was a clam. A fierce blood craving clam. Also, he was the best gladiator in all of the colloseum. He fought against the mighty Donkey Rapists of Sicile, claiming that they were breaking the rules. This, was in fact, very true. The Donkey Rapists tended to bring date rape drugs on the field, injecting their opponents mid-battle. After this, the Donkey Rapists were able to slay their unconciescous enemies. Then, they would win the reward of a fresh, clean, virgin donkey. Fucked up. Clamio himself thought the idea of their donkey raping was disgusting, and he wanted to end their tyranny. For months Clamio had an extreme montage, where all he did all day, every day, was pushups. You know how many pushups that is? Like 4,232,875,134,654,234,984,098,321,845,129,302,591! Not really thought. Probably a little bit less. Or something. But it was a lot, so you get my point. By the end of this montage Clamio was extremely ripped. So ripped in fact, that he couldn't move. Not at all. When the Donkey Rapists heard this good knews, they celebrated by having a party at Clamio's house. At the end of the party, they raped and killed him. Then raped him again. And again. They raped him so much, that his anus literally no longer existed. Just a large bloody hole into his intestines. EPIC FAIL!

Excalibur the Horny Burrito - January 16th, 2009

Off in the distant country of Extremorgasmatic, lived an extremely fine, dirty, horny burrito by the name of Excalibur. He was the sluttiest sexmachine in all of Extremorgasmatic, which is quite the thing to be. I mean, the sluttiest there! You'd have to make love to billions of women! And Excalibur did. And he "made love" to everyone, for he thought every experience was special. He literally fell in love with every woman he met. It was a predicament that confused many. For years and years Excalibur went on fucking, doing every position in the Kama Sutra, and then some only known to dolphins. He was quite the Vagmaster. Pounding away from down til dusk, Excalibur fell in love with hundreds of women daily. He couldn't help himself. They all were so beautiful! Even the ugly ones! It was the craziest thing. He slept with so many women in fact, that he got every STD possible, eventually causing his penis to look like a deformed rabbit that was hit by a car, then used as an anal dildo, then thrown through a wood chipper. It was disgusting. Eventually, Excalibur could no longer get women. They all refused him, breaking his devoted heart. He had to win them back, but how? There was only one way. Cut off that mutated penis. And that he did. He soon released women no longer were disgusted by him, but it didn't matter. He no longer had any interest. He realized quickly that he was actually gay, and had been living a lie all these years. It all made sense  now. The dresses and makeup he wore, his random attraction to men's fitness magazines, and his strange fascination with Elton John. Obviously, there's a moral to this story. If you cut off your dick, you're going to lose all desire to mate, and if you still have any sexual yearning whatsoever, you're probably going to  become gay. Your penis is the only thing that keeps you straight, straight guys, and you will instantly become homosexual (if you're lucky) or just lose all hope of ever getting laid again, if you remove it from your pelvis! Shame on Excalibur. Shame on that guy from BME pain olympics. It's obvious why he killed himself afterwards.

Imagine: The Strange Stories of a Generation; Issue 3 - January 17th, 2009

Imagine if every time you had sex with a stripper you didn't come home to find your house had become the new home of your friends and that you had genital warts. Or if every time you flushed the toilet, a young Vietnamese boy would have sex with his teacher, resulting in a huge army population growth and starting the 3rd World War. Of if Vin Diesel ran around in thongs yelling, "Praise Jesus!" and did a tap dance show for five year old girls. Or if giant pet rocks attacked Manhattan, killing 2,000,000 people and crushing the corporate building for Red Robin, also crushing the real bird in the process. Or if Mammoths had ridden surfboards made of large stones, and their favorite hangout was this place in England where they'd stack their boards on top of eachother forming Stonehenge. Or if John C. Reilly played the role of Peter Pan in a children's musical, and only wore the clothes that were meant for an 8 year old cast member. Or if Elton John wasn't gay. As if.

McDonalds: A Baby Raping Story - Janaury 18th, 2009

Millions of years ago, right after WWII, a man named Kunte Kinte appeared in the world. He had a spendiforous idea given to him by Donald Trump, who was fighting Napolean at Waterloo. Kunte Kinte loved the idea, and took it to the one man who he knew would be able to help. Jesus H. Christ. Together they founded a corporation to beat all the corporations, having it's main office in Pompei. They created the mighty McDonalds. With it, they fattened children, caused heart-attacks, neutered puppies, destroyed dreams, and brought warmth into the heart of all Americans. They had truly created the most wonderful thing imaginable. The only problem was that Jesus H. Christ, wasn't actually Jesus H. Christ. It was Joseph Stalin, the infamous thief of the Mona Lisa. He was tricking Kunte Kinte and had the real Jesus in a Micky Mouse costume at an abandoned warehouse called Disneyland. For years and years Stalin's mighty plan prevailed, but one day, Jesus Mark II decided that he would actually do his job and go take care of it. At the speed of sleep, JMII flew down to the Law Offices of Sally Miller, where JMII punched her in the face. Then, he ran with the Water Buffalo of the Serengiti to the Corporate HQ of McDonalds. When he arrived Kunte Kinte had been brain-washed, singing the Reading Rainbow song into Stalin's ear. "ALL MY SAMURAI'S JUST GOT OWNED," shouted the powerful JMII as he charged Stalin. Then, JMII delivered the most epicly destructive kick ever to Stalin's nuts. The blow instantly killed the once great dictator, resulting in him exploding in confetti. What was left standing was a small baby. On it, was a tattoo of a heart with "Communism" written on the inside. It was Baby Communism, and it needed to die. So, JMII grabbed up the young, but horrible child and layed him out on the table. Then, he did the most disgusting thing imaginable. He butt raped him. He butt raped a baby. Fuck. What's the world cumming to? Did you get the pun? Hopefully. Your probably wondering why on Earth you even go to this website. Titty.

Detective Bernie Schwartz and the House of the Imperial Dragon - January 19th, 2009

It was a cool summer's eve, and Detective Bernie Schwartz was on a case. He had been paid 50 million dollars advance to find the mystical House of the Imperial Dragon, and would be paid an additional 200 million when he actually found it. It was the most important case of his life, and he had only one thing in his way. It was that damned asian sensei who ran the House. He had been throwing Det. Schwartz off his tail since he got the case, straying him away from any leads. It was the most irritating thing. The sensei even left dead Jellyfish carcasses on his doorstep, a sign that the Detective was not respected. He would not allow it anymore. That damned asian would pay. Pay with blood. And the only way to do that, was to lay a trap. He would set up his favorite method of trapping, which was a fake deck, which would explode as soon as someone walked over it. All he had to do was wait in his extremely obvious, extremely creepy, and extremely white white van. So he did. For hours and hours, until finally, someone walked up. He was dressed in a blue uniform, very uncommon for an Imperial Dragon House member, but in the man's hands was a package, most likely another dead jellyfish. The man was only feet away from the deck when Det. Schwartz noticed something. There was a Mail Delivery truck next to his house. It was the mailman! Before Bernie could stop the unaware postal worker, he had stepped on the deck. BOOM! The explosion was massive, destroying the man's body instantly. The entire house was also destroyed, and nothing was left but a small steel box. How strange? That was definitely not in his house before thought Bernie. It must have been in the package. He quickly got out of his car to go see what was inside. Slowly, he opened the box, accidentally burning himself multiple times on the hot metal. Inside was a note, which read:

Dear Detective,

                      Did you really think you could kill me that easily? Oh no. The House of the Imperial Dragon is most displeased with your hostility. We do not take kindly to your failures. You show us little respect, and you will pay for your insolence. Before long, you will bow to the Imperial Dragon or will lay your body for the world to see. Choose your next move wisely Detective.

                                                                Sincerely,

                                                                               Ching Mee Chong Ah, Overlord

Inauguratory Monopoly Match - January 20th, 2009

In a world of deceit, a world of corrupt street owners, a world where everyone wants to own it all. For millenia men and women have come to that very world, pitting themselves against eachother for sport. With a mix of cards, die, and various items that have no apparent meaning, they make their way across town, buying streets and placing their homes and hotels on them. It's a terrible world, run by a mysterious top hat wearing mustache man. He has the power to send people to jail, give them free parking, and also give them $200 when they pass a powerful two letter word. This world is obviously a horrid, violent, cruel place not meant for children, but some dare to venture. It is not a wise place to go there, for you will be raped in debt and covered in get out of jail free cards. Yes. I speak of the vile Monopoly that has plagued our lands for years. It has crushed the innocent, fucked the poor, and shot the weak. It has also been spreading the disease of AIDs via gasoline truck. It truly is a catastrophe. Billions of children are dying every minute because of this killer board game. The UN has made several attempts to ends its tyranny, but the Monopoly Guy has killed the families of all who oppose him. He truly is a psychopath killing machine. He is possible the most evil man of all, besides Macaulay Culkin of course. For years this evil dictator has ruled, but his rule is finally over. High Emperor Obama has come on this day to take the throne, and vanquish this foul menace. Down with Monopoly! Down with Macaulay Culkin! Down with Jellyfish (they sting you for no reason!)! Forever worship and obey Lord Obama, king of all, and super epic hip-hop super star.

The Mainly True Tale of an Old Man - January 21st, 2009

Old Roscoe was the hippest hippie this side of fresh. He was very slim and only dressed in tie dye and clothes made from natural things. He had long dark hair, a beard, and large sunglasses with an orange tint to them. Every morning he would play his guitar on the sidewalk in front of his favorite cd store. He would just sit there, soaking in the sun. He loved that spot. He would make an average of $20 a day, which was enough to go buy some fresh vegetables at the market. He might have been the healthiest man that was in his late seventies that was alive, but who knows. He didn't care. Roscoe had this philosophy that eating healthy was just a way to please himself, because if he was supposed to die, he'd die no matter how healthy he ate. He accepted that, and lived everyday like it was his last. Roscoe had to be the happiest man alive, but the one thing he wanted most was his family. Most people didn't care for poor Old Roscoe because he would tell his stories, which seemed to go on forever. He was a man with a lot of stories. He had been a boxer, a factory worker, a logger, a father, and a grandfather. He had lived a long and pleasant life, but he felt that what mattered now wasn't going off and having fun. It was his family. He loved them, and they loved him, but they didn't really like to deal with him. He was pushed a side by his family, thought to be a nuisance. Poor Roscoe. He's a good man. A sad man. A man I wish I would spend more time with. 

Sheriff Dickpussy and the War on Terror - January 22nd, 2009

Vigilantes beware! The famed sheriff is back, and he's taking names and ecstasy. That's right. I'm talking about good ole DP. Sheriff Dickpussy. He's that badass sheriff who hunts down dinosaurs with his rainbow gun, and does a lot of cocaine. When that son of a bitch gets on the dancefloor, shit goes down. Seriously. I literally mean monkeys go on the second level and start dropping feces down to the floor. That's right. Monkeys. Back to the point. The sheriff has recently returned from his very long vacation to Paraguay, and is ready to get back to work. At this moment he's reassembling the Dinosaur Police, a squad of extreme dino hunters who have been working with Dickpussy for several years. While on his vacation, DP spent months planning a new strategy to get the dinosaurs, which is being implented as we speak. The Dinosaur Police have started interrogating small children who Dickpussy has discovered to be working with the dinosaurs. Also, he's learned that Asians are actually dinosaurs in disguise, and that's why they have been getting away so often. So, as of know, the Dinosaur Police are gearing up to go raid a local sushi mart filled with non-english speaking asians. The plan is to burst in, causing shock, then to kill all of the Asians with an arsenal of katanas, butter knifes, a toaster, a squirt gun, and an AK-47. As soon as the dinosaurs are dead, the Dinosaur Police will have the children executed in front of a crowd of people in Time Square. That's right. 5 year olds are going to be forced to fight live bears. LIVE BEARS! Fuck you five year olds!!! 

Getting High on Seaweed - January 23rd, 2009

"Swim, swim, little sea creature! I'd like to say you have quite lovely features! Your booty is hot, and I love your tentacles! You get me horny, when you ride them poles! SO DANCE! Do your ninja moves, and shake your booty to the groove, cause I like it like it that, and I wanna put you in the sack!" by Sir Blowfi$h is the song that Winston the Starfish was listening to when he murdered a whole school of kelp. A SCHOOL! Why? Because he's a Ninja. A Ninja with a vendetta against kelp and four katanas sharper than a piece of paper. Ouch. I know. But, he's somewhat normal. You see, he lives on the Coral Reef with his other sea creature friends, but not any kelp. Kelp are the worst of all the sea creatures, and they own an illegal company that grows and sells seaweed. The seaweed part's fine, but they've done terrible things, such as killing Winston's family, work associates, acquaintances, people from his graduating class, people he's looked at in gas stations, but then pretended to have not, and last, but not least, his catfish, Moses. That, was the last straw for Winston. Since then, he's been killing kelp at an unstoppable rate, causing their population to drop below 100. This has all been grand and worthwhile, but after killing the kelp, there was warehouses full of seaweed that were left unattended. Because of this, Winston has been getting high non-stop for the last month, contaminating ocean water and destroying brain cells. Lately, he just sits on his couch and munches on a bowl of sand. He's kinda lazy. Kinda really lazy. But that's ok. You know. It's JUST seaweed. It's not like that's a gateway drug or anything, and Winston probably won't start abusing his wife because he's got a cocaine addiction. Not likely at all.

EXTREME Tennis Match at The Milky Way - January 24th, 2009

For the past 2 million decades, an extreme game of tennis has been plaguing the galaxy. The participants, Bodmor the Vicious (a viking who plays from Pluto) and El Fuego of Spain (a spanish Tennis star who plays from the Sun) have been playing the same game since they started. The two are both equally good, and cannot beat eachother no matter what they do. No ones missed, and no ones scored. It keeps going at the Speed of Extreme across the Milky Way, destroying satellites and alien space crafts. While they play the game, to keep it extreme, they both listen to speed metal and make pancakes. PANCAKES ARE EXTREEEEEEMMMMEEE!!!! Just like cocaine. And socks. And puppies. And more cocaine. And starting a pig farm on the last Tuesday of February of the year 3000 when theirs already an overpopulation of pigs that causes disease to spread all across America, killing millions of homosexual fairy loving gays. That's right. Fairies. Are gay. Super gay. Gayer than the gayest gay man on Gay planet, who's dick is soooo tiny that he lost a fight against Gary Coleman when he was passed out. That's GAY!  

The Rise of Cecil - January 25th, 2009

Samuel L. Jackson had done well in preparing for the coming of the mighty prairie dog. He had ensured the presidency to go to a black man and been filmed in many hit movies. His duties had been fulfilled, so he went down to the Dildo Forest as Cecil had told him to do. There, he waited for two years, building up a fortress in the center of the dildos. After the two years were up, the fortified castle had been built, and mighty Lord Cecil came down from his home on the Sun. In one hand he held his mighty staff, made of the spine and skull of a Velociraptor, and in the other was a Nintendo 64. "Cecil, you crazy ass mutha fucka! Whatchou doin' with an N64?" spoke the almost incoherent Samuel L. Jackson. Cecil, being the almight Lord of Awesome, turned Mr. Jackson into a neon Tyrannosaurus Rex. From then on, Cecil ruled from his mighty castle, playing N64 24/7 while Samuel T. Rex guarded his mighty domain. During this, he had a factory built next to his castle to clone prairie dogs, creating the Army of Cecil. His metropolis grew, and his ideas flourished. Now, he is being worshiped by a large percentage of the population and he is happier then ever. Mario, Zelda, and Starfighter are all getting the shit played out of them, and will most likely break in the years to come. Personally, I don't want to be alive when Cecil's N64 stops working.  

R. Kelly-Unicorn Sex Tape - January 26th, 2009

In the center of a diamond covered volcano, in the middle of the Bermuda Triangle, lives a penguin named Buttercrisp. Generally, he spends his free time sitting on his throne, wearing his favorite top hat and monocle, while puffing away on his favorite tobacco pipe. Also, if the occasion is just right, he will have his butler, the ghost of Robert E. Lee, bring him a human skull full of scotch. Those are his favorite days. But, Buttercrisp doesn't always have free time. Most of the time actually, he goes on adventure filled quests with his associate, Agnar the wicked sick Walrus. Agnar also is a fan of top hats and monocles, but sports battle scars, an unkempt beard and long, scruffy hair, and also wears a Catholic priest's uniform. Together, the two form the most amazing, spectacular, epic alliance ever to unite; The Adventurous Guild of Arctic Sea Creatures Who Love Top Hats and Monocles. What is their purpose, you may ask? Well, it's quite simple. They are on a quest to find the one Unicorn in the world, then, film a pornographic video where they take turns having sexual intercourse with the mystical creature. I know. You probably thinks its sick and wrong, but you gotta to understand, who's really every going to have sex with a penguin or a walrus? No woman, I'll tell you that. So, the two friends eventually decided that the one time they do do the glorious deed, it should be magical and with someone they really care about. Obviously, that would be a Unicorn. Why are they filming it? Well, because penguins and walruses are sick fucks. No joke. They disgust even R. Kelly, and he peed on a chick. What the fuck R. Kelly? Really? Does that get you off? FUCKED. UP.

Cannibal Chickens - January 27th, 2009

"SHIT!" was screamed suddenly in the mall. "SHIT! SHIT! SHIT!" continued the screams. "FUCK! FUCKING SHITFUCKER FUCK!" this last bit was yelled much quicker, sounding distraught. In the middle of the mall stood a young man, possibly early twenties, standing on a bunch surrounded by chickens. "Get the fuck away from me! Please," he shouted, pleading for their mercy, but none would be given. In the lowest of lows, the largest chicken spoke, "I, Viktor Ivanov of the chickens, have declared you to be an enemy of our people. You have slaughtered our brethren, and shown no mercy. So, the same shall be done to you." The young man yelled back, "It was a McChicken! It's probably not even real chicken meat! Don't kill me for eating unhealthy, please." "It was chicken meat, and it was my cousin, Ivan," replied the vengeful chicken. With that, the group surrounded him, taking turns jumping up and pecking him to death. His body completely eaten within minutes. The chickens now had the taste of human blood on their tongues, and were hungry for more. So, they made their way to the closest place available, which was the local supermarket. What they didn't know, was that the market was just a ruse to cover up the secret Ninja Assassin Cult that had it's meetings there. So, as the chickens arrived, killing as little as five people, the Ninja Assassin Cult struck with their mighty katanas, killing half of the chickens in minutes. The battle then continued, the chickens soon gaining the upper hand. In the parking lot, they had found an old German Panzer tank, which they then used to destroy the markey. Every ninja died, along with the innocent shoppers. It was yet another job well done for the chickens, so they could go back home and order some KFC.

The Revenge of a Whale (Part 1) - January 28th, 2009

It's been fourteen days since the tale of Bartholomew was left off, and you all have probably been anticipating his return. His story continues. Zacchaeus's story. A whale's story. Now, without further ado, I humbly present the first part in a story that's had it's time in the making. Here is The Revenge of a Whale.

The sky grew dark over Grizzly Mountain, and Bartholomew was extremely high. Yes. High. What? You didn't expect our story to start back up with the main character high? Well, he was, and he had good reason to be. The bears, the prairie dogs, the Whale Gods, and himself would all be dead as fuck in the moments to come, and Bartholomew had no idea why. He just knew. But, Zacchaeus, as terrible as he was, was being an honorary foe and smoking the palace's private collection of Meth with the king. The two rivals were actually getting along quite with each other, which was caused by the Meth. As the two bears chatted like they were old friends having a cup of tea, the conversation led to Zaccaeus's past. "Well, when I was just a small cub in the academy, I was the top of my class, acing every course I took. On the tests I took, I passed the scores held only by Cecil and JMII. I bear their scores! How badass is that? I was getting awards from every subject and getting acceptance letters to the best schools in the galaxy! Eventually, amidst my success, I received a letter from an unmarked sender. The writer spoke of how I could rule the entire empire, the world, and gain powers only meant for the gods. The person had left me an address however, which I went to eagerly. There, I met the most brilliant being imaginable. He taught me things no school ever could, and I soon became his apprentice. Since then I have done all you know, all under his direction. He's been my prophet. My teacher. My God. He is the ruler of the Whale Gods, Lord Quentin the mighty, creator of Bear Socialism," finished the now darkened Zacchaeus. This could not be true! Quentin?!? Had he truly betrayed the pact? Impossible! But, Zacchaeus's description was all to real. He was evil, but he was no fool. He truly believed it was Lord Quentin, so it must be so. The world would fall apart if Quentin succeeded in killing him and Cecil, and he could not let that happen. Zacchaeus, seeing the horror in the king's face, began, "I'm sorry. I truly am. You don't understand the power he has. The power he's given me. He's brought me women, drugs, and anything else I wanted! I didn't know he'd betray me." "What do you mean betrayed you?" snapped Bartholomew. Zacchaeus sighed, then began his story, "when I first began studying under Quentin, he said I needed to get rid of you and Cecil. Then, the human race, but I didn't agree. I didn't hate you, or the rest of them. I just wanted to gain power. To my surprise, instead of punishing me for my disobedience, Quentin sent me a beautiful prostitute and some quality Heroin. Turns out, the woman was a carrier of the AIDs virus and the Heroin was laced with a strange chemical. From what I've discovered, it was a disease creating chemical. A zombification disease. That's what Quentin decided to do, so that his plan would be complete even if I chose to disobey him. It's true. Soon, the world will be filled with Zombie Bears!"

The Best Porn in the History of Life - January 29th, 2009

I got a quick question. So here it goes: Why do pornos try and have storylines? Really. They're always ridiculously bad, and totally take away from the whole thing. Why on Earth would a pizza guy and a hot chick that's half naked have sex? They wouldn't! Ever! It just doesn't work like that! To be 100% percent honest, theres only one way a porno with a storyline would actually be good. That's if Abraham Lincoln burst into a bank filled with naked women armed with only a frying pan and tried to rob it, but then a pack of dinosaurs burst in through the other side, and they all had the biggest orgy ever. On the planet. Afterwards, they would go out to ice cream, but there wouldn't be any left. So then Lincoln and the dinosaurs jizz in the bowls and the banker women eat it, but Sean Connery repels down and kills them all. Then, he goes outside and smokes a cigarette, while watching the Bernstein Bears rape Eeyore in a tub full of hay. This would all be happening while Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader are having a light saber fight with their dicks. In an epic plot twist, that no one could foresee, all of the characters morph together and turn into a giant Transformer. Together, they go make love to the Earth, and everyone lives happily ever after. Except Eeyore, because he got Herpes.

Willingtons' Wild and Warped Creature Canarium - January 30th, 2009

5:31 P.M.

A man walks into a local gas station, just looking for some chips and a pop. The cashier was a friendly looking asian man, but not after five seconds does he notice something odd about the store. The roof was gone. Also, all of the food seemed to have little black eyes that stared at you as you walked by. Definitely not though. Food doesn't have eyes. So the man walked to the back, and opened the sliding glass door to the beverages. He tried to grab a Mountain Dew, but something extraordinary happened. The thing turned into a small monkey wearing bright yellow shorts and a backwards red hat, and began to point and scream a never ending scream at him. The man slowly backed up, but was confronted by something else. A nearby bag of skittles had transformed into a blue fish that was standing on it's tail and doing the pelvic thrust. It was madness. Before long the entire room was filled with strange animals doing strange things. None of them did anything violent towards the man, but they just looked at him and never looked away. Eventually, from behind the counter, the cashier came forward. This time though, he wasn't a kind asian man. He was a tall, skinny white man with a dark curled mustache, a top hat, a long coat, and a cane. "Hello young sir! Glad to see you could make it to Willington's Wild and Warped Creature Canarium. Would you like to see the Humdoodles? How about the Dreaded Daggery? Or maybe the Poisonous Flompbottom?" spoke the oh so strange owner. "What the fuck?," questioned the man. The owner gave a look of shock and said, "foul language is prohibited. Down to the dungeon with you. Your punishment will be a thousand rapings from a Coopasnag. Just to let you know, it's kind of like a lion, but it has a barbed cock that ejaculates fire." 

Cornell's University of Masturbation©'s Professional Pedophile Kit™ - January 31st, 2009

DO YOU LIKE CHILDREN? DO YOU LIKE CHILDREN SEXUALLY? DO YOU EVER HAVE THE URGE TO KIDNAP A CHILD? DO YOU NOT HAVE A VEHICLE IN WHICH CHILDREN WANT TO GET IN? DO YOU DRIVE A WHITE VAN? ARE YOU ACTUALLY INTERESTED IN THE OFFER THAT I'M GOING TO TALK ABOUT IN THE NEXT SENTENCE? Well, then it sounds like your in need of our Professional Pedophile Kit™! Yes, it's true! We here at Cornell's University of Masturbation© have invented a kit that's guaranteed to get you helpless children in the first 24 hours! Also, if you don't see results in those first 24 hours, C.U.M. will refund you for your money and let you keep the kit! So, for the limited time price of $19.99, you can get the kit, plus, we'll throw in a free dildo! You heard right! FREE DILDO!!! Remember, this is only a limited time offer so call right now at 1-800-CUM-RAPE! 1-800-CUM-RAPE! *Also, the first 25 callers will get a free statue of Sean Connery! Yes! Sean Connery!* So, call now, before the offers gone and never seen again!

Kit Includes:

• Ice Cream Truck

• Clown Costume

• Wiggles Soundtrack

• Six Crates of Sugar

• Date Rape Drugs

• A Puppy

• Barry Manilow CD

• Scented Candles

• Silk Bedding

• Water Bed

• Duct Tape

• Hand Cuffs

• .45 Cal. Pistol

• .45 Cal. Tranquilizer Darts

• Whip

• Ski Mask

• Kidnapping Guide

• 1 Months Rent to an Abandoned Warehouse

• Cages

• Stuffed Animals

• Condoms

• Lubrication

• Yoga Outfit

• Happiness

*Sean Connery is in no way affiliated with Cornell's University of Masturbation© (C.U.M.) or it's products. We just accidentally bought an excess amount of collectible statues from the James Bond Experience Convention, and have no room for them. Please do not send back your statues, we do not want them. They most likely are covered in the ejaculate of our laboratory primates, and we do not want any more of that. We have enough. Trust us.