<- February 2009 or April 2009 ->

Illegal Cock Fights in Kentucky - March 1st, 2009

In a field in the middle of Kentucky, where no member of the U.S. government ever roams, and where you never get dropped calls because the service is great, exists something more extraordinary than the Techno Viking. It's the Interstellar Superman Ballet Competition! If you are unaware of this competition, it's a Ballet Contest in which anyone can be participate, but most participants are communists, and is hosted by the one and only Superman. It started eight years ago when Superman realized his true passion; ballet. It was then that he realized he needed to create a secret society in which all ballet lovers could participate without being criticized by the ignorant few. Doing so, he picked a location perfect for a giant secret society, which was Plymouth Village, Kentucky. It's the smallest town in the entire state, and every citizen is an active Ballerina. After organizing the society, the first competition took in more than 100,000 visitors, and has grown ever since. The visitors are no longer just humans, but have moved on to Martians, Plutonian Vikings, and Gazelle. The town itself is now home to a giant underground stadium, in which the competition is held and has a connected parking garage for the visitors. Also, the ISBC is now sponsored by KFC and the NNA (Neo Nazi's of America), which have donated billions of dollars to the event and have put advertisements on all their products. Because of the NNA's support, fights often ensue in the parking lot between them and the communists. The battles usually last ten days, and involve illegal cock fights. So, if your into ballet, or drugs, or Superman, come to 2009's ISBC this summer!

The History of Bears: Volume Three - March 2nd, 2009

The great King Rufus ruled for many years, expanding the Bear empire and making allies with the dimension of Vagina, and there King, Harold the Sasquatch. This alliance came in handy when the Urso-Soviet Russian war happened. The bears were on the verge of being defeated, their home city in rubble, when Harold came to their aid. His Woisenwinwateran Army arrived just in time, pushing back the communists with extreme force. With this, the alliance was sealed. It took nearly two years for the capitol city of Grizzly Mountain to be rebuilt, and was only done with the aid of Harold's Leprechaun workers. The city was more marvelous than ever, and was built using a famous bear architect, Otto Von Hiensburg Bearington, who was a relative of Sir Bearington. Six years after the reconstruction, Rufus stepped down and picked a passionate successor. His name was Aemilius, and ascended from the the ancient Roman bears of Italy. With his divine military tactics, Aemilius increased the Bear Kingdom's army tenfold, while also increasing the quality of the Military Schools. Using brute force, Aemilius lead the Bear Kingdom into the Aemilitan Legio Era. This was a time when the bear's main focus was militarism, and they were able to conquer foes such as the dragons and the Soviet Union. Not only did they increase their border lines, but they were the main reason for the Soviet Union's downfall. With this, the Bear's were finally safe from their most feared enemy, and were able to live peacefully for hundreds of years.  

If the Dragons Weren't Bad Enough, Wait for the Sparkly Speedos - March 3rd, 2009

After somehow narrowly escaping Mister Rogers and a group of vengeful penguins, the great explorers Lexi Swanson and Trina Eck took their mighty ship North. After 3 weeks of sailing, they finally arrived somewhere in Brazil. There they were accepted by the natives, and were able to sleep peacefully for a few nights. Some days later, however, they discovered that something had come back with them, and it wasn't something they wanted. It was a penguin! After careful examination though, they discovered that he was not an evil penguin like the rest, and was actually human-friendly. His name was Wes, and he had been trying to escape the penguins for over forty years. When asked why he hated them, he replied, "theys is no good teh me. Theys be walkin' aroun' with theh hatchets and such. It ain't too friendly." After allowing Wes to stay, they started a dragon cloning factory, specifically the Hungarian Horntail. After creating a giant army, Lexi, Trina, and Wes made their way to Alabama, where they would fight the KKK. Clothed in sparkly speedos, bandanas, Mammoth Fur tube tops, and armed with Elephant tusks, the group was prepared to start a battle worth TiVoing. Landing at a McDonald's, which was the KKK HQ, they focused their assault on the playplace, killing 48 suspected child KKK members. Within two days, every McDonald's ever built lay in ruin, and Lexi and Trina stood a top of Mount Everest, claiming victory over the world. Wes went on to have a relationship with one of the dragon clones, Shaniqua, and had a child named Wesley Nelson Jr. 

Brayton's Disgustingly Brutal Revenge - March 4th, 2009

If Baghdad wasn't bad enough, Brayton Barrett made it worse. He always had to win, be number one, no matter what the costs. Specifically, I'm referring to the Great Camel Races, which were hosted in Baghdad, Iraq every year. Brayton had won every year since he had started back in 237 B.C. He was known for using things like cocaine, steroids, and a Camel Dickremover to make his camels perform better in the races. He also had a pit crew made up entirely of children from Congo, which he justified by saying he was giving them a better home. Their home, was a rusty pickup truck in Brayton's backyard. It was also rumored that if they complained about the truck, he would feed one of them to his dog, Cletus, to prove a point. If that didn't make them loyal, then he would just ejaculate off his porch. If you don't know, Brayton suffered from Ursusojaculation, a disease which caused his sperm to turn into full grown Grizzly Bears when contact was made with oxygen. Poor Congonian children. So, as I was saying, Brayton would win every year. Well, that was until the 9th of April, 2003. He lost the race to a the Iraqi President, Saddam Hussein. Many believed that the US caught and hung Saddam, but this is all propaganda to hide the real truth. Brayton caught Saddam, and called out an all-out war on all of Iraq. His camels invaded the country, killing millions of innocent Iraqis. Taking Saddam to a secret location, Brayton did the cruelest thing he could think of. Bending the President over an Easy-Bake Oven, he violated and raped him for hours. Brayton ejaculated fourty-two times that die. Fourty-two terrible times.

The Search for the Gateway (Part 4) - March 5th, 2009

"Fucking balls," uttered Roger, who was still in shock. Pegasus just stood against the wall, picking at his teeth with his hoof. He winnied once, then spoke up, "ya know, you'd be either dead or getting raped right now, if it weren't for me. Probably both. So the least you could do is stop freaking out, and come with me to go pick up the others." Looking up, all Roger could muster was, "what the fuck?" "Ugggh. Do you really not know? The wings don't give it away? I'm Pegasus, proud member of the Holy Council of Sex. Zeus told me to pick you up, because you had to meet with Cecil for something. So, that's why I'm here. I also have to pick up Harold and the bears on the way." Without even allowing Roger to accept, Pegasus did a line of Cocaine and tossed the human on his back. Flying into space, the dive bombed towards a crowd of meteors. Only, they weren't meteors. They were Giant Space Turtles! As they grew closer and closer, one of the Space Turtles flipped over, revealing his erected penis. Roger screamed as the pair collided with the tip, flying down the Urethra. Causing a pleasurable sensation, the Turtle ejaculated, launching the two into a place hidden to most. The Bear Kingdom. Waking up, Roger threw up multiple times. Afterwards, he noticed that he was covered in Turtle jizz, causing him to throw up even more. Eventually, he realized that he was also covered in throw up, resulting in him jizzing in his pants. By the time he looked up, Roger realized he was surrounded by Pegasus, King Harold, King Bartholomew, Tamponio, and Zacchaeus. In unison, they all blurted out, "holy hobo thong." This caused them all to appear outside of the Bear Kingdom, and back in space. Trying to adjust themselves on Pegasus' back, one of them accidentally ripped open a compartment under his fur, revealling more cocaine. Turning his head back and smiling, Pegasus showed off the grillz in his mouth and said, "we be ridin' dirty!"

The History of Bears: Volume Four - March 6th, 2009

After the tragic death of King Aemilius, which was caused by an accident during a Jetski Buffalo Hunting trip, the monarchy was turned over to Kaskae, the first polar bear to ever rule. He was able to bring a stronger brotherhood between the bears of the Bear Kingdom, and the Grizzly and Polar bears that lived in arctic territories. By doing this, Kaskae was able to set up stations called Urso Dens. They were refueling stations where small groups of military, medical, and government bears stayed to provide the survival necessities for their brethren. This was the first time that the Bear Kingdom had territory outside of it's own domain, which allowed for stronger defenses and better understanding of the outside world. Also, Kaskae was able to gain a favorable alliance with the Eskimos, who wished for peace between the bears and humans. It was then that the first Bear Watchers were born, going by the name of Sos Genen, meaning Bear Shaman. They helped to further protect the bears, and tought them their kind and reserved ways. Before long, the bears started making their huts out of grass, and chose to only use natural materials. They also created a system where farms were formed through the entire Kingdom, allowing them to have plenty, and each farmer had their own territory. It were these sole things that stopped the Bear Kingdom from becoming like man and destroying all that they saw. After subjecting himself to the task at Rape Cliff, the bears didn't allow Kaskae to be raped any longer. They were too grateful to allow that, and took his body to the highest peak on Grizzly Mountain. It was there that he was cremated by a sacred group of Sos Genen who acted as oracles, never leaving the mountains peak. Half of his ashes were spread at Rape Cliff, while the rest were spread across his home in Alaska.

Brachiosaurus Hot Air Ballooning on PCP - March 7th, 2009

Somewhere in the United Arab Emirates, there lives a crayon. Yes. A crayon. Of the Crayola variety. He lived in a box along the beach, where he would get many famous visitors, such as Donald Trump, Barack Obama, and Brad Pitt. He didn't seem to get anyone that actually wanted to see him, until one day in the summer. A knock came on the crayon's box, which surprised him more than anything. When he opened up the cardboard lid, he saw something even more surprising. It was a Brachiosaurus. One of the largest, most long neckiest, and plant eatiest of all the dinosaurs. He stood there, bending his long neck towards the crayon's box. Speaking with a slight british accent, he said, "how do you do, good sir?" The crayon stood there dumbfounded. "Well aren't you bloody cute? My name is Charles. What's yours?" Gulping, the crayon said, "Bert." "Well Bert, I've come to take you on an adventure. An adventure involving PCP." And so they went on an adventure. And it did involve PCP. Lots and lots of PCP. They traveled to the Swiss Alps for three weeks, in which they hiked to the highest summit they could find, and went hot air ballooning. All while doing massive amounts of PCP. Somehow, don't ask me how, their hot air balloon ended up in Berlin, Germany. Since it was 1945, you can imagine what happened. The Allies were about to be defeated by the German Nazi's, but suddenly, a hot air balloon carrying a Brachiosaurus and a crayon landed in the center of the battle. Hating the Germans, the pair used the powers they had received from the PCP to crush them. Toppling buildings and obliterating small children, they left nothing but destruction in their wake. Adolf Hitler even committed suicide so he wouldn't have to feel the pain that would be in store for him. Standing atop the bodies of thousands of dead Nazi's, Bert and Charles smiled down upon the Allies. Before anything could be said, President Roosevelt ordered them to be shot. No one was taking credit from the US. No one. Not even Jesus....

50,000 Death Stars - March 8th, 2009

My dream: Ten years from now, we've colonized the Moon. Not for the living of human beings, however. It's going to be a giant concentration camp for five year olds. Yes. I'm back to my rants about five year olds. So anyways, lunar concentration camp. There, it will have Walrus guards, who watch the perimeters 24-7, armed with lasers that steal your soul. Not that five year olds have souls, but it's just a nice touch. Then, I'll have 50,000 Death Stars created to surround the moon. Now you might call this excessively drastic, but you haven't seen five year olds like I have. In Vietnam. They killed more men than AIDS could any day. That's why, we need 50,000 Death Stars. Also, I'm going to have vending machines that only sell rocks. That way the starving five year olds will become so desperate to eat, that they'll eat rocks. Can you believe it? Rocks! It's brilliant! Then, I'll have my friend Big Spanky be the warden. He's a pimp. And no, I don't mean how five year olds use the word pimp as a synonym of cool. I mean a real, live, hoe slapping pimp. For realz dawg. FIVE YEAR OLD DESTRUCTION FOR THE WIN!

If Only Paul Bunyan Took Dance Lessons - March 9th, 2009

Warning: This is a tie in story to It all Started with a Squirrel. It is advised that you read that story before you continue to read this one. 

Hotchman woke up in the middle of a field, covered in some powdery substance. After careful examination, he realized that it was Cocaine. He had been at a rave the night before. Well, at least he thought. He remembered something about Brian Boitano and the Lochness Monster, but then again, he had been really high the night before. Standing up, he realized something. He wasn't in the middle of a normal field. This place was a recent battle field! It wasn't a dream! In the skies above, Hotchman could see a huge horde of Gryphons flying at a very steep mountain. Or.... By the heavens! It was Paul Bunyan. Hotchman stood there for a few seconds, trying to comprehend it all, when he was almost crushed by a falling Gryphon! It had been chopped in half by Paul Bunyan's mighty axe. As Paul was slaying masses of Gryphons, he hummed the tune of "Back in Black" and did the Macarena. One of the Gryphons flew close enough to Hotchman for him to hear it say, "my balls! He cut off my balls! SWEET JESUS!" Suddenly, without being foreseen by anyone, Russell Crowe and the Wiggles showed up, armed with dancing skills never seen by man. Finally, the Gryphons stopped wasting their time fighting Paul, and allowed him and his dancing adversaries to go toe to toe. They danced for three days straight, seeming to be complete equals. That's when Russell Crowe did a pelvic thrust so epic, so beautiful, that it made Elvis Presley shed a single tear. Not knowing what to do, Paul Bunyan just held his axe lazilly. When all was thought to be over, Hotchman came in as Paul's tag team partner, and did something thought not to be possible. He shook his hips so hard, that it made his penis go inside out. Yes. Inside out. To be clear, this was the painful thing ever performed by anyone. To declare team Bunyan the winners, Jesus came down and started to break dance. The end.

The Search for the Gateway (Part 5) - March 10th, 2009

As the Council Members and Roger flew through the vast domains of space, they all contemplated what Roger's purpose was and why Zeus had told them all about him. While doing this, Pegasus snorted even more Cocaine. Because he was so high, Pegasus began to lose control of his flight patterns, flying in radically changing directions. As the spun, they narrowly avoided a ring of asteroids. However, right in front of them was a black hole. Unable to avoid the almost certain death trap, the group held tight as Pegasus flew straight into it. "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! MOTHER I LOVE YOU," wailed Tamponio surprisingly, because he was thought to be the toughest out of everyone there. Suddenly, they appeared on the other end of the hole. Where the appeared was a forest made of excessively tall clowns, who starred menacingly down on the group. Then, for no apparent reason, they teleported again, appearing in the middle of a bathroom. In the bathtub taking a bubble bath was Adolf Hitler, who gasped, "oh shiza!" Teleporting once again, they appeared in a church. A Mormon church. "OH MY GOD!" screamed the group, just before their final teleportation. The place the arrived at next was much more comforting. Cecil's Mansion on the Sun. And by mansion, I mean this thing took up half the Sun. Half of it. And the other half was used for annual witch burnings. The room they were in was a massive, and at the center was a towering golden statue of Cecil himself. As they looked up, they could see that his eyes had been encrusted with giant diamonds. "Woah! You guys can't just come barging in here like this! I was looking up important stuff on my computer," shouted Cecil's familiar voice from the top of the statue. There, he had an office resting on the statue's head. Laughing, Bartholomew asked, "and by important stuff you mean porn?" Cecil just glared down, burning a hole with his laser vision in the floor. "Well, I'll clean up and you guys can find a way to get yourselves up here."

The History of Bears: Volume Five - March 11th, 2009

After Kaskae's passing, the Bear's allowed themselves to be taken over by something that was never thought possible. A human. It wasn't just any human however, but none other than David Bowie. Since the world assumed he was crazy after his role in the movie Labyrinth, it made perfect sense to make him king. In his first year, he was able to bring the Bear's into the Super Funky 70's Era, in which Disko Balls were worshiped. Allowing the Bear's to have true entertainment, Bowie would play at a night club he had installed called the Ursus Sexus. It was the most popular thing to ever hit Bear culture. Every night the club would receive over a thousand guests, including creatures besides Bears. Ursus Sexus became the number one place to be for all mystical creatures, bringing the Bear Kingdom more money than ever before. They soon made Earth a vacation hot spot, because of Ursus Sexus and the resort at Woisenwinwater. Using the money they earned, the Bears were able to create a top hat factory, manufacturing the top hats at an explosive rate. It soon became a sign of honor in the Bear Kingdom, and more than 95% of the Bears chose to wear them. This is what many think of when they think of Bears, and it was all caused by Bowie's Ursus Sexus club. Tragically, Bowie died of a Meth overdose, because most humans can't sustain the amount of Meth abuse that Bears can. To compensate for the loss, the Bears built a David Bowie robot, which they released to the world. This is who most believe to be the real David Bowie today.

Killer Sperm Apocalypse - March 12th, 2009

Skip McGallagher. Ex-Gopher Wrangler and part time male pornstar, now living in Dubai. Recently, government contacts of the U.S. have sent word that Skip is on the verge of creating something hazardous to human life itself. From the letters they've received, the U.S. believes he is creating some sort of projectile launcher to use against the world. Since he has a giant whale tank, holding over one hundred whales, and bought a surplus of giant penis pumps, they believe him to be collecting Whale Ejaculate to launch as a projectile. If this is the case, then the world should be quaking with fear! His plan is to obviously drown most of the human race, and impregnate the surviving population of women. With the Human-Whale hybrids, he will most likely try and make peace with the Whale Gods. The U.S. knows this will fail, since President Obama hasn't stopped the five year olds from stealing the Whale Gods' resources. So, if Skip proceeds with his plan, not only will 85% of the world's population be dead and covered in jizz, but an inevitable war with the Whale Gods will soon after ensue. Then, not even the oceans will be safe. Well, if we still had oceans that is. By that time, semen will have surely become the primary liquid on Earth. No land will be left uncovered, and eventually the sperm in the semen will evolve, becoming Killer Sperm. Yes. Killer Sperm. Can anyone spell apocalypse? I can! A-P-O-C-A-L-Y-P-S-E!

December 21st, 2012: The Day of the Snow Bears - March 13th, 2009

In the coldest part of Russia, where no man with any sense at all would ever go, there lives the mighty Russian warrior Fred. He is the lord of the twin Polar Bears, Misha and Vladimir. Together, they destroy and take over small countries that no one cares about, annexing them into Russia. After pillaging the shit out of the villagers until they cry tears of sorrow and drown. From their tears. Obviously. Then, using freeze rays they bought from a Gypsy God, they freeze the tears, turning the area into a snowy wasteland. By 500 A.D., the Snow Bears, as they were now called, were recognized as a worldly super power. They quickly claimed the territory of Antarctica and the North Pole, establishing the North Pole as their new Headquarters. After several years of sex and drug abuse, Fred and the bears decided they needed to find a new way of controlling the population. After a quick session of Eenie Meenie Minie Moe, which they had invented, they decided that they had to use a form of propaganda on the children. They started a secret project called the Sleigh Supreme. Becoming the most successful form of propaganda ever, the rest of the world tried to regain control of their children with propaganda of their own, such as McDonald's, Nickolodeon, Action Figures, Fruit Snacks, Soda, and the Wiggles. All of them did well, but failed in comparison to the Sleigh Supreme. Everyone loved the man called "Santa Claus" they had invented, and they even had Coca-Cola helping them out. By 2012, the Snow Bears launched a new phase of Sleigh Supreme, called the Years of Five. They had control of every five year old in the world, and they were able to take over countries from the inside out. The five year olds were given steroids and cocaine, becoming Super Soldiers and able to crush any military force in their way. By December, the world was in total darkness, under supreme rule of the Snow Bears and their Super Soldiers. On the 21st, the Snow Bears mobilized for the largest battle in history. The Olympian Gods looked down from their home on Mount Olympus as millions of five year olds climbed to the rocky peak. The battle ended before the day ended, resulting in the destruction of Earth itself. December 21st, 2012. End of the world.

Imagine: The Strange Stories of a Generation; Issue 5 - March 14th, 2009

Imagine if a colony of French Rhinos took over Earth and turned it into a galactic festival for beating up house cats. Or if Arnold Schwarzenegger was actually a drag queen from Reno, searching for a mate to spread his seed. Or if every time you drank orange juice your genitalia would turn into one thousand venomous snakes, all of which would be infected with rabies and have snake fleas. Or if when it rained, you couldn't get wet. No matter what. Or if Brad Pitt went onto Jay Leno's late night show and declared a battle royale, in which he, Jay Leno, and every deceased US president would fight to the death. Or if all the shellfish in the ocean became satanists, and used their demon magic to summon limitless amounts of of spiked-cocked gremlins. Or if Barack Obama declared Marijuana legal, but kept all of it to himself. Or if AIDS was cured. That would be grand.

The History of Bears: Volume Six - March 15th, 2009

After David Bowie stepped down from rule, a new bear stepped forward. He was a renowned drug dealer by the name of Ziggy Cantalini, and had accidentally invented a drug in his basement called Meth some years earlier. Leaving his home in Long Beach, California, Ziggy made his way back to his birthplace. Of course, like most bears, that was the Bear Kingdom. Arriving just before Bowie resigned his kingship, Cantalini showed the bears his mighty creation, becoming the most popular bear in all of Grizzly Mountain. When a new king was needed, the decision was simple. After being crowned, Cantalini ordered a wide scale operation, in which six "Meth Tanks" would be built in a secret chamber below the King's tower. The Meth Tanks, as they were called by Cantalini, were giant containers that created large amounts of Meth to be distributed by the public. After years of giving the drugs to the citizens, Cantalini's top bear wizards discovered that the drugs gave them special abilities. They soon realized that a special chromosome in the bear body could be enhanced by Meth, allowing them to harness their full abilities. Before long, the bears were the strongest race on the planet, and they owed it all to Ziggy Cantalini. He urged his people to follow the ways of the Meth, and show it's ways to the rest of the world. Before his term ended, Ziggy was killed in a tragic explosion in one of his labs, trying to create something called Kool-Aid. A memorial service was held, and Ziggy's body was buried in a coffin full of his most prized possession.

Russell Crowe's Big Black Dildo - March 16th, 2009

In South Africa, where British accents and white men stand out of the crowd, there lived two mighty sorcerers by the name of Wesley Nelson and Meg Krivanec. Always loving to do evil things such as have too many children, go to peoples' doors and annoy them, and be nice, Wes and Meg decided to name this love. They called it Mormanism, and to become accepted, they acted like Christians and even invented their own sorcerer bible, called the Book of Mormon. Gaining followers in the kagillions (100,000,000 x ∞), Wes and Meg began to give their loyal servants black tar Heroin, keeping them both addicted and loyal. Soon, after years of ruling their servants, Wes and Meg announced that they would worship a new god secretly. That god was Russell Crowe. Making offerings of small babies and crack cocaine, the Mormons pleased their god, allowing him to bless them with a big black dildo. That big black dildo turned out to be the anti-Christ, and killed everyone on the planet. I know. Fucking Mormons.

The KGB and The Bearlin Wall - March 17th, 2009

The Soviet Union. 1959.

Young George Clooney had been all around the world, visiting every country. Every country except Russia, of course. But, he was about to change that. He wasn't afraid of the KGB, and he was armed with a light saber anyways, so what harm could they cause? He was about to find out. On the morning of July 15th, George decided to go for his goal. Arming himself with his light saber, he started in Poland and charged at the border of Russia. For hours he ran, until finally, he came upon a giant crack, which he jumped over. As he landed, he looked up to see a giant statue of Stalin. Before he could react, the statues pants exploded, revealing Stalin's exposed light saber. And no. That's not an innuendo, because it was a real, red light saber. The next thing George new, the light saber began ejaculating out members of the KGB to fight him. The battle that ensued was fought long and hard. Innuendo intended. For years it was fought, no side seeming to win over the other, until finally the battle was pushed to Berlin. Being a badass like he is, George Clooney used his mind powers to mentally blast the KGB into a huge wall. The Berlin Wall, which was actually spelt and pronounced as the Bearlin Wall, but the KGB tried to cover it up because they are against bears. Fuck the KGB.

The Search for the Gateway (Part 6) - March 18th, 2009

Using a makeshift hang glider, the group was able to propel themselves up, all smoking crack first of course. They rose and rose until they finally reached the top of the mighty statue, where Cecil was furiously scrubbing the floor with a brush and soap. He had cleaned up most of his mess, but the majority of the floor was covered in a sticky white goo. Sighing, he stopped his attempt and turned around, saying, "well, you caught me. It gets lonely on the Sun." Looking over, Tamponio noticed something and cracked, "lonely enough to use a blow up doll?" Cecil ignored the comment, and sat in his office chair, lighting his pipe. Puffing on it thrice, he said, "so. I assume you must be the almighty Roger, apprentice of Zeus?" "Ummm, I'm Roger. I don't understand this whole Zeus thing, but I'm here to claim the Gateway. I know you have it Cecil." Cecil seemed confused. Setting down his pipe, he asked, "you want my computer? My brand new Gateway computer? Well, I don't see why. It's got a virus from viewing too many alternative movies. And yes, I mean porn." Roger just looked at Cecil in a face of awe and shock. He couldn't wrap his head around it. A computer? A stupid, piece of shit, broken computer?!?! "What. The. Fuck." Cecil just shrugged, stood up and put his tophat on. Sliding to the floor, he pulled out a bottle of Vodka. Roger, seeing no point in relying on the rest of the people, climbed into the office chair and powered on the computer. As it started, it would made a nice little beeping sound and the screen turned on. What he saw was very strange. It was a pig bent over, being raped by a lightning bolt. As Roger watched for several minutes, a giant title popped up on the screen reading: YOU'VE JUST BEEN ZEUS'D! Before he could react, he was struck by a mighty lightning bolt in the ass. The shock killed him instantly. Afterwards, mighty Lord Zeus hovered down, making his throne upon the corpse of the once passionate explore. "I'm glad to see you all could make it, TO MY SURPRISE PARTY! Thanks everyone! You really shouldn't have!" Cecil, being drunk and slightly high, pulled out a .44 Magnum and shot Roger's nuts. Bam!

Darth Vader Tried to Survive Clamidia - March 19th, 2009

In the spring of 1972, the prime drug season, Darth Vader decided to start up a new hobby. In school, his electives had been AP Combat, AP Meth Lab, and AP Being A Dick. He got straight A's in all of them. Since he had conquered most of the universe, he was ready to move on to his other passion, which was obviously Meth. Not having too many fans on Earth, Vader was only able to rent a lot next to the nuclear power plant. For his needs, that would have to do. For years, Vader created the best Meth in all of the land, making dough like a pimp with too many hoes. Before long, everyone was buying from him. Even Barney the Dinosaur, which later resulted in him overdosing and passing away. Everything went fine and dandy, that was however, until Vader's nephew came over. With him he brought his three hamsters, which all managed to chew their way out of the cage. They then scurried to the basement, where they introduced themselves to radioactive Meth. The strongest type of Meth, and the craziest. They proceeded to grow to 10,000% of their normal size, and invaded the city of Milwaukee. Lives were lost, and so was Vader's business. He went on to become a stripper in Reno, and later died of Clamidia.

Goldfish - March 20th, 2009

In the year of 526 BC somewhere in Ireland, there was a magical cave. In that magical cave existed two brothers by names of Finn and Albus O'Sharon. The two brothers had agreed some years back to draw a line with magic marker down the middle of the cave, each getting their own sides. To protect their sides, they each purchased such things as raccoons, lasers, black ops, turrets, snapping turtles, a jack-in-the-box, home security systems, a pile of garbage, and Collin Farrel. All went well until one day, a goldfish came to the cave. Dressed in a purple, velvet robe, the goldfish wore a monocle and sported a thick brown mustache. Nestled on his head was a little top hat, which had an engraving of teacups along the brim. Opening his mouth, he revealed his two buck teeth and said, "Ello there! Meh name's the British. Yes, the British. Now, will you please listen to meh, as what I'm about to say is very importan'. I have come to take your land, and I will not take no for an answa!" Finn looked to the floor, and said, "well British, I'm nawt ya enemay. I'm on ya side heh, and I'll join ya in yer pursuits. We'll be partna's, and my people will be called the Scottish." With that, the goldfish smiled, expanding th cave to great proportions, separating the sides. Finn, who was now the ruler of what he called the Scottish, was located right above the goldfish's homeland, while Albus stayed in the same location. Starring at the fish, Albus just sighed, and bent over. The fish swam with a swimmer's swim at the young man's anus, penetrating with no remorse. An explosion occurred, and caused an air born goo to land in what would later be called the United States. After years of evolving, that goo would become the first Sharon to walk in the new world, and his name was Moosefoot.

The Real Truth of the Dinosaurs (Part 1) - March 21st, 2009

Before the Coucil of Sex was formed, before Bartholomew took his throne, and before the Bear Kingdom ever even existed, humans had no place on the planet. Earth was the domain of the dinosaurs. They were mighty in all ways, covering land as if it were a play mat. Unlike what most scientists believe, the dinosaurs were far more intelligent than humans, having IQs matching even the bears, making them the smartest beings to ever rule the planet. Also, contrary to popular belief, all dinosaurs were friends. They were united in their mission to unite the universe with peace, and worked painstakingly to bring force that peace. The dinosaurs leader, Boris, led the operation. He was a Velociraptor and the smartest dinosaur alive, leading the dinosaurs since they had crawled out of the rear end of God himself. He did most of the work himself, but had an assistant named Fwurgle, who was a small Brachiosaurus. And by small, I mean the size of a small shrub. Together they worked in an office near the great Gooooooosaronamolaufintallmousakin Volcano. It had a nice view and and was painted pink, for the two dinosaurs were stylish.

Dale the Dolphin - March 22nd, 2009

For one dolphin, life was just not good enough. He had a lousy job at the the Krill Krib and was living in a cave in the bad part of town. Also, he'd just lost his children and 50,000 sand dollars to his ex-wife Shaniqua. What the uninformed dolphin didn't know, was that Shaniqua was a part time prostitute. A very dirty, rich, filthy hoe. And if he would have known that, he could have won that case. But he didn't. A very sad mistake indeed. So I guess you could say Dale the dolphin's luck had run out, and his life sucked. And it did. A lot. But Dale still had to wake up on Monday morning at 6:00 A.M., not ready to go to work. He had to though, because he was barely able to pay rent as it was, and he had to work as many hours as possible at his 8 sand dollar per hour job to make enough. It was not fun. Dale arrived at the Krill Krib about an hour later, dressed in his official purple shirt. The logo on the shirt was of a fleeing group of Krill being eaten by a shark. Very pretty. As he stood behind the register, he watched as a suspicious looking squid wrapped in a single strip of seaweed walked through the door. His penis was hanging out and he had a grin on his face. "Um, sir? Your genitals..."stuttered Dale in shock. The squid then gave him the crazy eye, shouting, "MUTHA FUCKA!" The events that proceeded next were the most shocking thing to ever happen to any sea creature, ever. The squid shot his penis out in a furiously quick manner, ready to impale the unsuspecting Dale. Luckily, the young dolphin was able to throw his register in front of the deadly dick, causing it to ricochet. Unfortunately for the squid, it ricocheted right back at him, impaling himself in the face. Over the next few months, Dale went through a long and painful trial, eventually being found guilty for squidslaughter. He was raped in prison. 48 times. And later died of a torn rectum.

Douchebag - March 23rd, 2009

A long time age, there lived two kings. Together, they ruled all of Australia, being mighty and grand as could be. You see though, the kings were different in every way thinkable. King Fuzzlepuff was a very kind dualarch and he loved all of Australia and its creatures. Now you see, King Douchebag IV was not so kind. He wanted to turn the dualarchy into a totalitarian dictatorship, and take away the rights of his grateful people. The two kings argued very much on the subject, but Fuzzlepuff tried to stay civil. Douchebag wouldn't allow that, however. One night, he snuck into Fuzzlepuff's room while he was sleeping, armed with an axe made of chicken bones. He raised his weapon high, and swung it to purposely amputate Fuzzlepuff's legs. Fuzzlepuff could not be dead for what Douchebag wanted to do next, for he wanted him to see the chaos unfold. The new monarch raised a powerful army, sending all of the kangaroos in Australia to concentration camps. He then began the largest genocide ever known to rock the planet Earth. Kangaroos were slaughtered left and right, being thrown into the ocean and fed to Great White Sharks. This continued for five years, until one day a kangaroo managed to escape. His name was MC Rizzle and he was a loyal follower of Fuzzlepuff. Sneaking into to Douchebag's dungeon, Rizzle found a legless Fuzzlepuff chained to the wall. Unchaining him, the pair worked together and Rizzle put Fuzzlepuff in his pouch. They then found the armory, which happened to be stocked with a .50 cal. machine gun, fully loaded. Hopping outside, they went on a massive killing spree killing all the surrounding soldiers in their path. After murdering their enemies, they found Douchebag desperately whimpering in the corner. He begged for mercy, yet the pair refused. They bent him over and filled his anus with an occupied bee hive, causing him to be stung thousands of times. Taking to the edge of the roof, they dropped him over the edge causing both his legs to break. After this, they laid him in front of the concentration camps and released the gates. The following events were the most gruesome and violent to have ever taken place. Instead of killing the fallen dictator, they raped him until he died of old age. Using an old Honda motor, they restarted his heart, raping him for many millennium. After his death, they used his heart for holding things they called a douche. Hence, the term douchebag.

Imagine: The Strange Stories of a Generation; Issue 6 - March 24th, 2009

Imagine if a giant ball of butter cascaded from an interstellar Italian restuarant and crashed into the Earth, wiping out the entire human population. Or if Big Spanky, the most feared pimp in all the land, came to your house with "The Notebook" and wanted to watch it with you. Or if Tom Cruise woke up one day and decided he should stop being crazy, and started his own radio broadcast company. Or if you went to Burger King and couldn't have it your way. Or if Hitler was brought back to life and we found out he was so angry because he wasn't accepted as a homosexual man. Or if two big black dildos got in a fight, then made up by buying two gallons of vanilla ice cream at the store. Or if Dr. Phil became our president because Barack ran away. *Shudder*.

The Real Truth of the Dinosaurs (Part 2) - March 25th, 2009

On the morning of April 12th, millions of years ago, Boris and Fwurgle woke up with a purpose. They both felt a strange sensation that they would accomplish something today, whatever that something may be. Crawling out of their lake of Orange Soda (where all dinosaurs slept), they made their journey to the office. Upon arrival, they knew why today was special. Standing in front of the door was a man they both knew. Abraham Lincoln. Throwing his hands in the air, Lincoln hollered, "what up bitches? Why ain't you been callin' me? Huh son?" The two dinosaurs just looked at each other blankly, and Boris being the more intelligent one, chose to speak. "Well Abe, I was just saying to Fwurgle here that we should call you up. Maybe invite you to a party or somethin, you know?" "Oh hot damn son! A muthafuckizzilin party?!?! Foshizzley my African American friend!" shouted the overly excited future president, before he blurted out, "WAIT! I'm already going to a party, so I won't be able to make it to yours. Butttt, maybe you can go to the one I'm going to! It's foshizzinizzlin my thug! My homeboy Tupac's throwin' a huge celebration cuz he shot some fool up on 5th Avenue!" Not knowing what 5th Avenue was, the two dinosaurs just went along with it because they didn't want to upset the man, who was known to do PCP. The events that would take place in the next few hours however, would change all of their lives forever.

Big Spanky Don't Take No Shit! - March 26th, 2009

Dog Chow. DOG CHOW! What am I talking about you may ask? I do believe that it's quite obvious if I do say so myself, which I do. Now, back to Dog Chow. What I'm trying to say is very simple. Dog Chow, or the food for dogs, is not what we as ignorant humans believe it to be at all. It's actually a rare type of drug called Breezees. What they consist of are fresh deer droppings soaked in Frebreeze, then baked in the Sun for 72 hours. The high that your able to get from Breezees is said to be crazy. REAL crazy. It gets you so high, in fact, that you begin to imagine yourself on the set of CSI, where your a secret detective. Eventually, when the high starts to go down, you imagine yourself being shot resulting in a real life heart attack. This pandemic has been sweeping the globe, killing dogs everywhere. Recently, we asked one of the Los Angelos Police Department's informants, Big Spanky, what these dogs were going through. He replied, "get the hell out of my face before I put a hit on your family, go to dinner with your boss and have you fired, then sleep with your 12 year old daughter and get her pregnant." Obviously, he's meaning to say that the dogs crawl around the streets at night, eyes glowing red, and looking for more 'Dog Chow'. This plague will continue to affect household pets, and might even start to affect human beings. When our reporter William Bowman asked Big Spanky what he thought about this, Spanky pulled out a steak knife and filleted Bowman in the streets. Seriously Big Spanky. Can't you be nice for once? No. Want to know why? Because Big Spanky don't take no shit!

TMNT Fight the War on Drugs - March 27th, 2009

Deep in the sewers of New York City, there lives a group of four turtles. Four Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles that is! You love them. Don't deny it. Now, like every other day, they were on a mission to help save the day. Today's job was to find the local crack dealer, El Chaco, and make him stop selling drugs to the local elmentary schoolers. They were about to leave without Raphael, who had been missing all day, when suddenly he burst through the door, out of breath. Putting his hand up, he wheezed, "Don't worry guys. I'm here." Leonardo looked frustrated, saying, "where have you been? You have responsibilities now Raphael, and we discussed this. There's no time for explanations. We have a drug dealer to catch." Leaving, the group rode the camels they had recently purchased at a local farmer's market. After several hours of searching, they finally caught El Chaco lurking around a local playground. When the team went in for the kill, El Chaco spun around quickly, a sharpened twig in hand. "Oh, so you fellas thought dat you could get El Chaco, huh? Well, I'll kill you all right now! You hear me? RIGHT NOW! And I will- the fuck? Raphael? Is dat really you, holmes?" Raphael looked at his feet sheepishly, acting nonchalant, saying, "umm. I don't... I don't know you. Don't... Don't talk to me." El Chaco suddenly looked with glee, shouting, "RAPHAEL! I didn't know you were with these fuckers! You just bought some crack from me a few hours ago!" The next few minutes were very awkward for Raphael, as he tried to find a way to get out of the situation. In the end, it didn't work. The TMNT took Raphael to rehab and kicked him out of the group, replacing him with Ron Jeremy. Years later, Raphael would go on to become a local PE teacher. Go figure.

The History of Bears: Volume Seven - March 28th, 2009

After Ziggy's untimely death and memorial service, the bears searched for a new leader. After months of searching, they were able to find their destined leader in the land known as Compton. His name was Ving Rhames, and he was the largest black bear to have ever roamed the Earth. He was always recognized by the thick golden earrings he wore, and no bear dared to make fun of him for it. Demanding complete obedience from his kin, Rhames ruled with a harsh demeanor. Many only remember him for his insensitive ways and how he once killed a man, but during Rhames' kingship he was able to bring many great things to the bears. One of these, which most bears do not know, was the bears first defense system. It was a giant T-Rex which Rhames had ordered the Bear Wizards to bring back from the past. They called him El Swalo Nacho Grande, after a great Spaniard, and he was loyal to the bears from the core. He guarded the entrance every night, running at speeds of 2 lightyears per second from end to end. He was able to protect the bears from the impending attack from the Plutonian vikings, saving millions of bear lives. But, because of his harsh ways, this was ignored by the rest of the bears. He was punished by being turned into a human, the likes of which had never been done. After this act, doing so was band by the Bear Coucil. 

The Real Truth of the Dinosaurs (Part 3) - March 29th, 2009

The group made their way to the party via tank, which the two dinosaurs were confused about. They chose to sit in the back, while Lincoln sat up front to drive, humming the tune to "Another One Bites the Dust". They proceeded to drive smoothly, running over a flock of nesting pterodactyls. This caused Boris to shed a single tear, which fell on Fwurgle's stomach, forcing him to emit a giggle. After several minutes of rolling on the floor laughing, Boris finally forced him to stop by clawing him on the dick. Yes. The dick. This caused Fwurgle to lose a lot of blood, and resulting in him passing out. He would remain passed out for the next 24 hours, completely missing the party. As they pulled up to 5th Avenue, which was a single street spanning across 30 yards of land. It was the only street in the world at the time, and served very little purpose. As the Lincoln parked their tank in guest parking, taking up two spots and angering the traffic monitor, him and Boris leaped from the hatch and landed on red carpet. As they did, several gun shots went off in their direction and they dove to the floor, only to look up and see Tupac himself. "Could it be my main thug lovin', Abe the Babe?" shouted Tupac, shaking a bottle of Rum in his hand. "You bet it is G," replied Lincoln, and the pair kissed. I know. Ewwwww.

Super Powered Jumping Mexicans Get Fat - March 30th, 2009

It was only a mere hundred years ago that the greatest plague to ever hit mankind was born on this dear Earth. That plague was the result of a freak accident caused by the famous Dr. Zhivago, an expert in rhinoplasty. While mixing several dangerous chemicals, Zhivago's lab assistant, Kerwin, fell into the dangerous mixture. After four score and seven years, Kerwin was able to emerge from the dreaded concoction. He skin was a light brownish color, he had grown a small mustache, and was much shorter. Also, he was sporting a sombrero. This, as the world has known to dread, was the birth of Mexicans. Feeling betrayed by Zhivago, Kerwin vowed his revenge on the rest of the world. For years he built up an army of clones, surrounding a large area below the United States, and naming the region Mexico. Pretending to be innocent, the Mexicans stayed out of view and acted like a normal civilization. It was not until the twenty first century that Kerwin was able to exact his revenge. He did this by teaming up with the Mole People, who were able to sneak people under the borders and into the United States, stealing jobs and getting women pregnant. Eventually, the United States installed Zombie Ninja Panda Bears to guard the lower elements, forcing the Mexicans to get a new strategy. Hiring Kirby, they learned how to jump. High. And with their new jumping abilities they evaded the US's defenses and took over the country. It would be years before they all died from becoming too fat, for they could not handle the fatness of America that we know and love.

Giant Pink Blimp Accident - March 31th, 2009

To the East, past your school, or your local McDonald's. Past the deep forests full of bears, and the military bases with alien test subjects. Past the gay pride parades and the escaped zoo creatures. Past even the throng of crack dealers, there dances the danciest dancer of all dancing time. His name, you may ask, is Werlick Assenstein. Besides being a great dancer, he's the world's biggest asshole. Literally. He has a circumference of infinity. While he danced on top of a giant pink blimp, people would gaze up at his large assholeness, for it is large and assholy. And they still would, had it not been for the accident. The terrible, terrible, brutal, bloody, gory, mature, and inappropriate accident. Obviously I'm referring to the time that Werlick fell from his blimp that was miles high in the sky, and was immediately struck by a plane. After breaking all of his bones, he passed through a flock of vultures, he went on to eat the skin off his falling body. After being basically a skinned tomato, Werlick fell into a meat grinder and was sprayed upon a nudist colony resting nearby. Bloody nudists. PUN!

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