December 2008 ->

A Week With Bears - November 12th, 2008

You may ask, how does one spend a week with bears? This may seem to be an impossible feat, because bears are known to be brutal killers, generally owning guns. Even so, there is an answer, and it's quite simple really. All you have to do is become a mob boss. Let me explain. First, we must ask, where do bears buy their guns? Now, there are still those ignorant few of you that believe that bears are just like all other animals. WRONG! In several studies bears have been found to be quite intelligent, as the average bear scores over 1,200 on his SAT's. Also, since 85% of bears grow up in a bad environment for children, they are much more likely to join street gangs, which would provide them with the firearms in question. Now, there's only one thing that can beat a street gang of bears, and that's a mafia of bears. Possibly, you may think we have reached our conclusion, but we have not. You see no human can run the United Mafia of Bears, or the U.M.B., as is stated in the Great Declaration of Bear Rights. Now comes the part where you become a mob boss (of humans of course). I don't know how you'd do this, but do it. Once you've done that, you must arrange a battle with the U.M.B.. You see, this is necessary because bears are a proud race, and will not communicate with anyone outside their species, unless that person has earned that right through battle. Obviously, you must win this epic battle that will finally decide which species is on top. If you do this, the bears will take you in, and accept you as there new leader. They will invite you to Grizzly Mountain, which is the capitol of the Bear Empire. Once there, they will start a huge celebration in your honor. This celebration will involve a plethora of alcohol, prostitutes, and drugs. It will also last a week long, resulting in you spending a week with bears.

The Magical Mushroom - November 12th, 2008

Once upon a time there lived a magical mushroom. This mushroom's name was Sir Hallucination, otherwise known as Dr. H. Dr. H lived in a forest full of mystical creatures, but as legend says, you can only see them if you were to consume the little mushroom man. Now, Dr. H, knowing of this legend, decided to kill all humans, so he wouldn't get eaten. As he did this, he took on the name John Rambo and began killing Asians, because Asians will eat anything. He did this consistently for several years, and on his voyages, began listening to the timeless music of the Beatles. He became enthralled in the work of the Beatles member John Lennon, and decided to go see him in 1980. He left Vietnam in April, and arrived in New York City in December. After a show of Lennon's on the 8th, Dr. H followed him back to the Dakota, an apartment building Lennon was staying at. He then caught up to Lennon in the hallway, and told him of his magical abilities, and how he thought Lennon was worthy of consuming him. Just as Lennon began to devour the tiny mushroom man, Mark David Chapman, a die hard fan of Lennon's, walked in. Chapman new of the abilities of the mushroom, and tried to shoot Lennon before the mushroom had been fully consumed. He was too late of course, and Lennon's soul and conscience had been transported to the forest, where it would be stuck for eternity in what seemed like a never-ending stoner movie. Chapman was later arrested, because he was thought to have killed Lennon.

High Lite - November 12th, 2008

Drop kick puppies, with a hint of mollasses, guzzle up your guppies, and converse with your asses.

I got a straight shot to onion, pickin' at my ladle, rapin' Paul Bunyan, slap fish to your cradle.

Clankity clock shop, operation turtle disguise, fix your eye on the feeble mop, climb inside the fruit flies.

Gettin' high, unlikely show, pick your mountain, loser does as loser chose.

High lite.

Delete. 

Terracomptonians - November 12th, 2008

"Far, far, away in a land called Compton, exist a rare species of people. These people are mistakenly thought to have originated from Africa, but this is incorrect because recently proof has been found that these creatures grew from the earth in Compton. Many myths have been told about these beasts, such as they are invisible in the dark, they are extremely skilled with guns and spears, they are extremely athletic, and they are hated by the police. All of these myths are true, making them facts. Also, they are called black people, but the widely accepted term is African American, which is politically incorrect because they are not from Africa. A more proper name for the species would be Terracomptonians. Now that the true name of these beings has been implemented, we should all prepare ourselves in case of a massive attack. I suggest wearing bedsheets because the creatures fear ghosts, and have torches to fight them off with. Good luck, and good day!"                                                                                           

                                             -Senator John McCain                                                 

Viva La Tortoise! - November 13th, 2008

Ever wondered why turtles exist? Where they came from? Or if they know english? If you have, then this very classified government document is for you. Now, let's start from the beginning. You most likely have heard of Christopher Columbus, and if not, then you should probably become an American citizen soon, before they deport you. Our dear friend Columbus is the antagonist in this story, and if you liked him at all before, you won't now. You see, millions of years ago, a strange group of creatures ventured to Earth, and came in spaceships shaped as the Coke Bottles we know and love today. When they came, they split the Earth into two sections, the East and the West. They chose to live on the West side, and created a species called humans to colonize the East. The creatures also brought their slaves with them, which are now known as Native Americans. The creatures had their slaves build huge cites, some for each faction of the creatures. The factions were the Aztecs, Incans, and the Mayans. The groups generally got along well with each other, but sometimes had very small feuds. For millions of years the creatures and their slaves lived in harmony, until a human decided to venture to their side of the Earth. When he arrived, he thought he was still on the Eastern side, and the creatures and their slaves went along with that idea. Years after the man left, more humans came back and ravaged the creatures home land. The creatures vowed revenge and went to the only safe place left, the ocean. The creatures, who had adopted the name turtles from the humans, waited patiently, plotting their revenge. Eventually, when the top half of the Western side had been colonized, now known as the United States, the turtles began to use their mind control powers on one individual. This man's name was John Pemberton, and they forced him to make an addictive liquid. This liquid was called Coca-Cola, and it was packaged in bottles shaped like the turtles space crafts. Eventually, the liquid became widely loved in the America's, and spread to the rest of the world. The turtles plan worked, and eventually they had the world on the skin of their flippers. As many have noticed, every U.S. president has been a turtle, and also many famed actors, such as Tom Hanks. Now the world will know the truth of our turtle kin, as it should be. VIVA LA TORTOISE!

Bartholomew (Part 1) - November 13th, 2008

On the day of November 8th, 2008, a man and a woman made love (the names shall remain anonymous). Their child was born 4 days later, a miraculous occurrence no matter who you are, but this was the not the strangest bit. You see, the child was somehow born a Grizzly Bear. Several hours after the initial birthing of the bear, the doctor diagnosed it as a dwarf, or little person. The couple decided to name their offspring Bartholomew, and chose to keep it alive, no matter what the doctors insisted. They tried to live happily, but the man grew strained over his son's disability. He knew the only way he could discover the cause of it was to head to the mystical Bear Empire, and spend a week with the bears there. For some reason, he had been picked to have this mystical child. It was his destiny.

Sir Wazoozle - November 14th, 2008

Back in the good old days, when AIDS didn't exist and Dickdragons roamed the Earth, there lived Sir Wazoozle. He was a knight in the service of King Pablo, the mightiest ruler in all of Spain. King Pablo would give Sir Wazoozle impossible tasks, because it amused him to watch Wazoozle fail. All across the kingdom people made fun of Wazoozle's efforts to be a knight, when everyone except Wazoozle himself new his real purpose, which was to amuse the king. Finally, on one fateful day, Wazoozle became aware of this when a lowly peasant started making fun of him. The peasant went on to say how Wazoozle was a failure and how the king didn't consider him a real knight. As far as the rest of the world knows, these were the peasants last words, besides a woman-like scream right before Wazoozle cut him in half with a chair leg. Wazoozle then went on to kill everyone in that particular town, most notably using beer bottles, a flamethrower, and a spear made of the first peasant's spine. Then, by tank, Wazoozle traveled to the castle, blowing chunks out of the mammoth building. Eventually, the king came out, begging for mercy from Wazoozle. Wazoozle refused, for he had planned the most elaborate revenge for the king. Wazoozle then strapped the helpless king to a table, and pulled a chimp from the tank. The king had no idea what was happening, when all of a sudden Wazoozle began to rape the chimp. When he finished, he walked over to the king, and said, "Your turn dickmunch." The king quivered as Wazoozle raped him. When Wazoozle finished with the king, he walked back to his tank, and pulled out a cage. Inside the cage, was a full grown Polar Bear, something that was unheard of in the king's land. Wazoozle turned around, thinking about saying something to the king, but decided against it. After that, Wazoozle climbed inside the cage and immediately locked the door. He then died fighting the bear, like a true man would. Many years later, scientists discovered that having sex with monkeys will give you a terrible disease, and Wazoozle knew this. Now world, you can thank Wazoozle for AIDS, he'd much appreciate it.

Bartholomew (Part 2) - November 15th, 2008

In late August, Bartholomew's father began his trek. He started out by going to the gas station and buying all the Mountain Dew and Mike'n'Ikes in stock. The man knew he could live off that for much longer than on water and actual food. He then traveled to downtown Seattle, for that was the closest city to his house. He knew of the fabled homeless there, who knew all about the bears, for they had once lived together. As he stayed with the very dirty men, he met one named Steven. You see, Steven was much different than the other hobos, for he wore a neon green speedo, a top hat, and had an extremely well kept mustache. He also knew an excessive amount about the drug Meth. During his stay there, Steven helped the man, even allowing him to sell some of his Meth, acting as a guardian angel. Then one fateful day, Steven said he must leave, for he was on a top secret mission involving Polar Bears and the communists. That day, the man knew it was his time to leave as well, and he began to venture to the next stop in his journey, Compton.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater is a Dick - November 16th, 2008

By the year 2023, many changes have come to the world. For example, white people are now a minority because kittens have become the primary race. Also, the U.S. government is run by mental ward patients, which surprisingly, is an improvement. Also, instead of having an O-zone, which deteriorated in 2012, we have a huge metal encasing covering the planet. Because of this we no longer have access to the sun, so instead, we use a giant lamp located where Antarctica used to be. Oh and the biggest change is men aren't born with penises anymore. You see, nowadays penises are grown on large farms. They are then sent to stores and sold at a very low price. You may think think this is almost easier, but you see, after making love to a women, you have to give her your penis. This resulted in men becoming very upset, and trying to start an uprising. One man, Dr. Kenneth Noisewater, decided to defy the odds and create a mystical beast. You see he took the DNA of a dragon (obviously, we have dragons now.) and mixed it with a penis plant. The result, was a Dickdragon. It was the deadliest creature ever invented, and quickly wiped out the entire human population. Soon the Dickdragons mated with females of every species, creating Dickdragomans, Grizzly Dickdragobears, and Dickdragonus Maximus (Dickdragon, Dragon, Human, Bear, and more Dickdragon). After that the Dickdragons used time machines to go back in time, to the Medieval Ages. They ruled the Earth for many years after that, but eventually, they were wiped out by Hitler, because of their Jewish descent, letting the world be free of those beasts. Thank you Hitler. Thank you.

Rape For America - November 17th, 2008

 Public Service Announcement From Queen Molly:

Today, on the date of November 17th, 2008, a new amendment has been passed. This is to be called the Forceyoutobangme amendment. It has made it so the act of R.A.P.E. (Ridiculously Awesome Physical Education) has been made legal. As you all are aware, the act of R.A.P.E. is much better than the act of consensual sex. Beware, anyone participating in the act of consensual sex will be dragged into the streets and shot. Anyone supporting this act will be hunted down and tortured by having their genitalia slowly nipped at by Sea Turtles. For the supporters of this amendment, this date shall now be celebrated as national rape America day. On this special event you are expected to rape between 30-40 people. Good luck my fellow citizens, for today is a day that should be remembered by all. RAPE FOR AMERICA!

Rape Requirements:

• Subject must be at least 18 years of age, unless they are of Martian descent.
  

• The "Rapist" must be wearing a sufficient face covering

• Raping religious icons is highly encouraged

• Attempting to rape bears is EXTREMELY against regulations

• If a child is produced during this act, its head must be removed and used as a shot put

Pissed Off Whale Gods - November 18th, 2008

What if 5 year olds didn't exist? I mean, how would that effect anyone? Seriously. What do five year olds do? Does them being here even help us? I say no. Trust me. I've done the research. Five year olds take up 15% of the worlds resources. That's 15% that could be sacrificed to the Whale Gods. Personally, I don't want to be the one to say to them, "Oh. Hey guys. Ya, we had a bunch of stuff we could've given you, but you know. Five year olds are WAY more important." Fuck that. I'm not gonna get raped for 6 milleniums because those assholes want to be alive. I just want everyone to know, if you support five year olds in anyway, your just as bad as them. Just thought you all should know. Also, I've decided that if Obama doesn't "misplace" all the five year olds in the world by December 2009, then I'm invading Canada and finally establishing Lichenslavia with my co-dictator Jack Polito. So Mr. Obama, as I know you'll be reading this, then hopefully you'll understand the seriousness of this threat. Down with these mongrels once and for all. Seriously guys. Think about it. Really really think about it. And think about this; What would Jesus do?  

The Narwhal Uprising of 1983 - November 19th, 2008

Narwhal: An Arctic whale (Monodon monoceros) that has a spotted pelt and is characterized in the male by a long spirally twisted ivory tusk projecting from the left side of its head.

A bit strange that some whale-dolphiny thing has a horn, isn't it? Ever thought about it? What else has a horn like that? CONNOR KRAFT! Yes, you've all seen it. That strange thing protruding out of his forehead. It's disgusting. Most doctors try to play it off as a tumor, but we all know the truth. Your probably wondering what the hell I'm talking about, but let me explain. You see, back in the good ol' days, we didn't have these freaks roaming about. We had dolphins. Tragically though, in 1983 the German scientist Gußwig Dweder began experimenting with the chemical Hydrohornosine.  He was trying to find an animal of the sea that's body could handle the drug, turning them into cold-blooded killing machines. When no creature worked, he began using half-breeds, one of which was the Whalephin. This was the only successful specimen, and the result he called the Narwhal. After he created the first specimen, he began manufacturing thousands of the creatures, storing them in warehouses in the south Bronx. He became so addicted to the power of the creatures that he tried mixing his own DNA with one of them. The result was a disfigured child, that the scientist knew he could not love. Because of this, he dumped the child in a dumpster. The scientist did not realize at the time that he had left the child in Dumpy, the dumpster hero. The child did not grow for ten years because of the dumpster's magical powers, but was later picked up by a homeless man named Dan Kraft in 1993. The main story, however, is not of the child, but of his psychotic scientist father. You see, after he had manufactured 10 million Narwhals, they turned against the scientist, killing him gruesomely. They then traveled to the ocean, conquering all they saw, killing thousands of pirates, driving the race of pirate to extinction. The U.N. decided to deploy the armies of the world upon the Narwhals, but it was too late. The foul beasts traveled to Russia, where they were graciously welcomed by the communist party. They stay there even to this day, plotting to take over the entire planet. Our only defense against these beasts, are of course, the Polar Bears.

Like, Elton John Gay - November 20th, 2008

Far off in the distant jungles of Peru, live the Zarazu tribe. They are a very mystical group, and very few know about them. Luckily for us, we were able to sneak one of our reporters, Charles Komasaki, into the tribe's camp. He was able to send us a letter before being savagely beaten by the tribe, who were wielding hammers, and pounded the man's limbs off. The later states that the Zarazu's worship a magical prairie dog named Cecil. The prairie dog is told to be possess immense powers, and could be being hidden by the tribe. Also, we have learned that the tribe sacrifices turtles, possibly meaning that the Zarazu's God, Cecil, is enemies with the turtle's god. As is known commonly, the turtles worship the Whale Gods, a council of three whales who are told to be very powerful. Our resources tell us that Zarazu have been searching for the fabled Kris Kringle, because they wish to enslave his elves and rape him, possibly being able to steal his powers. Their quest has been fruitless, however, for Santa Claus does not exist. No one can tell the poor soul's this, because they speak some fucked up language. An example of this is, "Wachukka nuff carroozi pin sneadle coptin shipcocker nipawokka." It means, "I like the walrus jugs." Why on earth anyone would ever be attracted to the breasts of a walrus, I have no idea. You have to realize, these people are really, really gay. I mean, super gay. Seriously. You don't even know. Like, Lance Bass gay. Like, Elton John gay. Like, that guy name Richard from survivor gay. So gay. So, please send a letter to the president, so we can get rid of these guys. You too gay people. I mean, you don't want to have competition, do you? No. Vote no on creepy, gay tribes from Peru in '09. Thank you all, and FUCK DA POLICE! 

Ghosts Caused Pedophiles - November 21st, 2008

In the deep bowels of New York City, lives the lowest of low. The things that you think only exist on tv or in the movies. Oh yes, they're real. Very real. And they're ready to pounce, as soon as we let our guard down. Yes America's youth, I'm talking about pedophiles. They stalk the small in their white vans, planning to do naughty things. They offer you candy, puppies, and all sorts of other great things. It may be hard to resist, but we must defeat these foul creatures. If everyone would shoot at least one pedophile everyday for a week, the pedophile population would appear to go down, but it won't. The amount of pedophiles in the U.S. increases daily, and the source has been targeted to New York City. The amount of police stations has been doubled as a defense against the pedos, but the pedophile reproduction rate has gone up 30%. The reason, is Dave Chappelle. You all know him, great guy, hilarious, used to have a tv show. You all remember that tv show, don't you? The Chappelle Show. It was great. It made everyone laugh and laugh, and it even made a guy like Dave rich. Because he got super rich, he retired. Since then, more and more pedophiles poured into America. Why you might ask? Because the Chappelle Show had magical powers. For some reason, the pedophiles couldn't stand it. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't enter our proud country. We have reason to believe, that after many failed efforts, they contacted the KKK. The KKK then forced Chappelle to retire, obviously. This is the only reasonable theory, because we all know a black man would never just retire if he's making millions. Seriously. I like money, but black people really, really like money. Trust me. So, ever since Dave's sudden retirement, pedophiles have plagued our lands. We must stop this. Dave, please come back. Were begging you. Seriously. WE HAVE A BLACK PRESIDENT FOR PETE'S SAKE! The KKK have been banished to Mexico, where'll they'll live alienated lives. Fuck pointy hats. Fuck white robes. Fuck the KKK, and fuck ghosts!

Bartholomew (Part 3) - November 22nd, 2008

Bartholomew's father ventured, a very treacherous journey across the state of Oregon and most of California. He finally arrived in the ghettoest place on the planet. Obviously, it was Compton. Now, he had a portal to Compton in his closet, but he had long forgotten about it, because he thought it had just been a joke between him and his friend Jack/El Chaco/JM2/Pope Gregory IV. As he arrived in the forsaken land of Compton, he was immediately an outcast. As you know, everyone there is either black, or a bear. The man, being neither of these, was having a bit of trouble finding help. Eventually, he decided to give up his journey and OD on some meth, so he went and found the closest dealer. This dealer, a bear, was named Biggie Bear. He was a very infamous gangster in the area, and was known as the cruelest, baddest, most inconsiderate dick of all bears ever. When the man tried to purchase meth from Biggie, the bear just looked him up and down once, and said, "no." The man begged and pleaded, causing Biggie to become very irritated. The large bear swiped at the man, almost taking his head clean off. Before Biggie could throw another swipe, the man shouted, "I AM THE FATHER OF THE BEAR CHILD!" Biggie stopped then, and picked the man up. In an unintelligent tone he said, "Wigger, you be forealzees? G, this be grizzlein'. Me an' ma boys is gonna hit you up. In the mornizee, we mobbin' straight up to the white thug's cribs, son. Ya know, Alaska fool." The man just stared, dumbfounded. At that point, Biggie gave the man a hug, bone crushing, causing him to pass out. The next morning he woke up, on the bear's back, surrounded by six other bears, somewhere in mid-California. The journey had begun, and to Alaska they roamed. To help make it more enjoyable, they all took some PCP on the way. Bears on PCP. You can just guess what happens next time.

Mollasses, The Bad Ass - November 23rd, 2008

Let's go back. Back in time, when things were more peaceful and people weren't dickheads. Back when Sabertooth Tigers roamed, and one creature ruled among them all. That creature, was the Woolly Mammoth. The Mammoths mysteriously disappeared during the year of 10,000 B.C., yet no one knows why. Through highly scientific procedures however, we were able to discover the truth of their disappearance. As we've come to discover, it was caused by a single Mammoth, named Mollasses. This Mammoth was what you would call old school. He played by the books, and didn't take nothin' from nobody. He'd kill you for just looking at him funny. He was a veteran of being bad ass. Now one day, Mollasses was hanging out by his favorite tree, the Ripper. It was called this, because it was known to somehow rip sleeping Sloth's in half. Don't ask how, I don't know. It was a bad ass tree. As I was saying, Mollasses is just relaxing against the tree, the day was as normal as could be. With the several Sloth chunks lying around, Mollasses fashioned them into Chess pieces. Everyday he would play Chess with the Ripper, who was an avid fan of the game. They were in their third round, when all of a sudden a really strange looking rodent walked up. He was what we would now call a Prairie Dog. The two friends were in awe as they saw the rodent, who appeared to be extremely muscular, and had the face of someone who had been through Nam six times, never getting hit. The two knew that this being must be very important, so they bowed to him. He waved his hand signaling them to stop. In a very deep voice, the Prairie Dog began to speak, "Hello, my friends. I am the almighty Cecil. I have come to fulfill my duties as ruler, and end this era of frozen tundra." At that he paused, allowing both Mollasses and the Ripper to give an untrusting look. Cecil acknowledged this, and continued on, "Do not worry. For you see, I have been watching you since birth. For the world to thrive after this era, you must stay with it. Ripper, I shall have you multiplied, and you will cover the Earth. Mollasses, I have a very important role for you, but we will discuss that later. All I need from you, is for you to agree to let me destroy the life forms here." The two looked at each other, liking how the idea sounded, but didn't know if they could let all their friends die to become powerful. Cecil, seeing this in their eyes, through in one last statement, "If you don't agree, your gonna get raped." Finally, being bad asses, they agreed to Cecil's plan. With that, the Ice Age ended, the world was covered in trees, and a hero arises. That hero, was Mollasses, but now he had become something much more powerful. He had now become, Samuel L. Jackson. The world was able to change, and become powerful under the reign of this powerful man, and he began to shape the things to come. As we now speak, Mollasses (or Samuel, I don't know which you prefer) is getting the world ready for the rising of Cecil, the day the world will change.  

Let The Apocalypse Begin - November 24th, 2008

You've all seen the Da Vinci Code, right? Possibly the worst Tom Hanks movie ever, right? There's a reason for that. You see, the whole story was told wrong. Jesus did not have a bloodline that some chick was part of. Total lie. You see, there is actually 3 people in the blood line, they were men, and they were triplets. Their names are Jerry, Harvey, and Other Random Guy. You've all seen them, probably everyday. Now these three, knowing their duties as the relations of Christ, spend their days hunting down anyone who could be the anti-Christ. You may ask, where do they look for such a person? The answer is quite obvious. Schools. Oh yes, it all makes sense now, huh? The son of Satan must be a child, and children are defenseless, so the best way to get him is when he's weak. The best way to monitor school children is how? Become a bus driver. That's exactly what the triplets of doom have done. These days, they drive the buses for the Snoqualmie Valley School District, killing all suspects, raping every Satan worshiper in sight, and doing an excessive amount of LSD. They believe they have found him finally, just the average kid to most, but behind the lies, you all know who it is. The one kid that's a dick to almost everyone, yet somehow no one hates him. Any guesses? No, not David Bateman, but close. Jack Polito. Your going down mother fucker. Watch yourself, because we'll be watching you. You've been warned. Let the Apocalypse begin. 

Irish Bears - November 25th, 2008

Deep into the boundaries of Ireland, lies something so stereotypical, that even Mahatma Gandhi would laugh. There, there is a town called Shamrock Isle, and in that town there is 32 bars, 8 potato farms, and 2,067 people with a last name that begins with O'. This is all located on 5 acres of land. And just guess who the mayor is? A god damn little green leprechaun bastard named Bill O'Shaugnessy. Quite the asshole you see. He's also the town drunk, and he fights literally everyone, for NO APPARENT REASON! Also, he's declared it illegal for anyone of Scottish descent to live there. Half the people on the planet don't even know the fucking difference between the two! They are the exact same! Seriously. Oh, and if you ever go to this god forsaken place, there's no sea of red death. That's their hair. So the sea won't kill you, but the those drunken rapists will, so you better have a four leaf clover on hand. Just kidding. The clovers won't help, because four leaf clovers are just racist stereotypes. So beware of Shamrock Isle, for only one thing can protect you there. That's obviously Sean Connery, Scottish bad ass. He's hard to reach, so we just had Eric Shurvey go by himself to try and make peace with the Irish. Ya, I know. Dick move. Who cares. You would have done it too. Oh, and watch out for the Irish Bears. Their vicious.

International Board of Dildo Slayers - November 26th, 2008

Far, far away, in a land filled with sand and turbans, exists the Middle East. There the people are very polite, but live an entirely different culture. You may ask, why they are so much kinder people than most. The reason, is three very respected individuals. They are known as The Camel Riders. The story is told that they came to the Middle East in 15 AD, bringing the species known as camels with them. They the blessed the people there with their camels, but made them swear they would follow their command when they returned. The people patiently waited for the Riders' return, not knowing for sure if they would ever come back. In the year 1776, the Riders rode back into the lands, reportedly first being seen near Jerusalem. The people graciously welcomed them, waiting to hear what they had to say. The Riders told of the spectacular years they spent away, and how they had met a magical Prairie Dog, a clan of otherworldly Sea Turtles, and had found the famed Bear Empire. They also told how a new nation would arise, and that it was the people's duty to ensure that nation's success. The Riders then told the people what they must do, and action set course. They had obviously been referring to the United States, which the Arabs helped bring success to. They did this buy selling the country oil, giving them a profit, bombing the trade centers (depressing, I know), causing them to build up their army, and now they've allowed us to invade their land, which will soon be taken over. You see, the entire goal was to get the United States very powerful, and then have them take over land in the Middle East. After that, they will become greedy and take over the rest of Asia, Africa, Europe, and eventually have Australia literally launched into space. The whole purpose of this is for the Bears. You see, the Riders were in fact the leaders of the three bear factions (Grizzly, Polar, and Black). If the United States has something, then it's in fact the Bears. The Bear Empire is protected by the United States, so if they have new land, then the Bears can expand theirs. By the year 2052 the Bear Empire will have expanded 6 galaxies, and the International Board of Dildo Slayers will have increased it's military by 280%. The world will be at the mercy of the Bear Cavalry, and will be covered in bear droppings. You've been warned America. This is what McDonalds and being a dick causes.

Spongebob on Crack - November 27th, 2008

Thanksgiving. A day for giving thanks, or is it? No. There is a plot behind this whole turkey business, and its the scariest shit you can think of. The turkeys are plotting something. Something big. And were not gonna be ready for it, all because were too busy getting fat. I've come across a top secret document describing their exact plans. It involves every average American. You see, those turkeys were planning on eating today, not turkeys. They are psychotic bloodthirsty turkey cyborgs created by the real turkeys. As soon as everyone sits down to eat with their family, BAM! Dead. That's gonna be us. That's why I'm sitting in front of my oven with a 12 gauge shotgun, ready to blow that turkey fuck away. He won't know what hit him. I suggest you all do the same, and if you don't have the guts to, try some PCP. That's what I did, and I'm readier than Spongebob on crack. So be ready, be prepared, and if you can, rape the cyborgs before you kill them. I want them to really feel it, really know that Ryan Sharon is a bad ass and he won't take shit from no bird. Tonight, I think I'll become a serial killer, but it's worth it. I'm doing this for America. I'm shoving Uncle Sam's fist into places these turkeys didn't even know existed. In the words of a true American, Spongebob Squarepants, "I'M READY!!!!!!"

Thank You For Being a Dumbass Gift - November 28th, 2008

Deep into the forests of South Dakota lives the biggest, gnarliest, ugliest thing to ever live. It has six arms, all of which have gigantic dicks for fingers. It also has the face of a Giraffe, except it has excessively large teeth, so it can't close its mouth. Another key factor in the creature's deformed body is its chest, which is of a Gorilla. As you can imagine, with a body like that, the creature falls on its face quite a bit. You ask, "What is the name of such a beast?" The name, you see, is Pickleflapper, on account of the fact that he waves his arms, causing the penises (pickles) to flap. As you all can probably figure out, this is one of the deadliest creatures alive. It is known to fly into the territory of North Dakota, burning down all cities with its fire breath. This is the reason why North Dakota sucks so bad. The Canadians are trying to find a way to defeat the beast, but their efforts will be futile. Pickleflapper is unstoppable in his quest for maple syrup. What? Did that part confuse you? Oh yes. He's on a quest for maple syrup. All the maple syrup in the world, and he'll do anything to get it, because that's what Pickleflapper does. So, on the day of of December 21st, the winter solstice, we must all dump our maple syrup on George W's house. You know, as a thank you for being a dumbass gift. Soon all of Texas will be Pickleflapper's, and yes, were gonna have to join a cult. But who cares? Would you rather have your body be ground up into maple syrup? I think not. So remember, Pickleflapper's hungry, and he won't take your shit. So be good, and feed him. Please.

Bartholomew (Part 4) - November, 29th, 2008

The journey of the man continued, as he quested to find the truth of his son. He continued to travel with Biggie Bear and his crew. They continued to have fun for the most part, but unfortunately, they ended up in a bad neighborhood in Canada. Biggie had a confrontation with two thuggish moose, which resulted in a shoot out. After the battle was over, both moose had fallen. As the man turned around to cheer with his partners, he noticed they were all fatally wounded as well. Biggie had been shot 86 times, and had his spleen ripped out. He tried to walk, but this caused his stomach to slip out of the holes. The large bear then collapsed in the man's arms, dying. The man began to cry, knowing he could never find the way to Alaska by himself, and he would most likely be crushed under the bear's weight. As he lay there, he got an idea. For a few moments, he began thinking of several woman wanting to have sex with him. He kept thinking, and thinking, and finally, the bears body was pushed to side. The man cheered happily, but was quickly startled by a familiar voice saying, "What the fuck?!?! Your....Your....Your dick..OH MY---" After this the stranger began to barf excessively. The man turned, almost hitting the stranger with his massive dick. Then, the man recognized the stranger as Steven, the mystical homeless. The man's penis instantly went limp and the two men hugged. They sat around together, Steven explaining how he had fought Narwhals in Russia with the Polar Bears. He also said he'd gladly take the man to the Bear Empire, and they'd leave tomorrow. The two then slept in the snow, unknowingly cuddling in the night.

Death of a Douchecock - November 30th, 2008

In the middle of the farming state of Iowa, lived a farmer named Soloman. Soloman himself was nothing special himself, but one of his cows was. You see, on Soloman's farm lived a cow with astonishing abilities. His name was Mooey, and he was a world class hot air balloon operator. As far as Soloman knew, the cow was just the everyday normal critter, but the rest of the world knew different. Every Wednesday after Ryan Sharon's weekly poker games, Mooey would venture out in his balloon, searching for the villianous Douchecock the Chicken. You see, Douchecock thought he was a Rooster, but he was not. Mooey, would try and tell Douchecock this, which infuriated him, causing the two to become sworn enemies. So every Wednesday after poker, Mooey would go searching. He had no luck until one day he noticed the town had been painted red. Literally. Mooey knew something was up, so he lowered his balloon down to get a better look. As he reached the ground, he saw Douchecock holding a giant hose connected to a huge truck full of red paint. Mooey looked in desbelief, causing Douchecock to explain his plan. He began in a very rapid tone, "MWAHAHAHAHAHA! I've got you now Mooey!....Bok! Bok!..... You will soon be mine......Bok! Bok!.........You see, I did this so everyone in the town would think about AIDS.......Bok! Bok!........MWAHAHAHAHAHA!" At this, Mooey threw up from a bad piece of cheese he had eaten at the poker match. After that Mooey mooed a moo so powerful, it shook the Earth in eight different places, and opened a crack in the ground beneath them. Suddenly, a penis, Satan's penis, arose from the crack, swallowing up Douchecock. The crack closed, and the sky cleared. The day had been saved once again by Mooey the Cow.

December 2008 ->