<- April 2009 or December 2009 ->

 A Week With Bears: An Ancient Tradition - November 12th, 2009

“Eine Woche Mit Bären,” as the mighty Germanic warriors of Europe used to call it. Theirs is the oldest translation that has been found, but it's most definitely not the only one. The saying itself has been passed down from great leader to great leader throughout the ages, changing languages, but maintaining it's didactic message. Despite what you may believe, the United States did not gain a hold of this vital message until 1945. After Hitler's death, his files were immediately raided by the Allies' top officials. During the raid, American Lt. Bradley Pitt (grandfather of actor, Brad Pitt) recovered a “Führer's eyes only” file, hidden in Hitler's pet monkey, Rufus. The lieutenant secretly returned it to President Eisenhower. After translating the document, Eisenhower soon discovered that it was the most important set of directions in history, which told of a way to reach untold power. The document caused Eisenhower to jizz in his pants, hundreds upon hundreds of times. Not wanting to experience the painful goodness any longer, he passed on the document to his newly appointed Major, who could not experience such horrid awesomeness because his testicles had been kicked by a Nazi Kangaroo, who had murdered a total of ten thousand Ally soldiers. Eisenhower determined the instructions were an appropriate reward for Major Pitt's loyalty to his country. Not wanting to have the loss of his fertility be for nothing, Pitt packed only a case of Mountain Dew, a baggy of Meth, and five freshly caught salmon. Then, as the legend says, he made his way to Alaska, at the base of Mt. McKinley, and met with an Eskimo known only as Chief Big Cloud. To go off on a side note, it is said that Big Cloud has been around forever, helping men complete their journey to absolute and utter fuckability. But as the story goes, the Major spent six months training with Big Cloud, preparing his body and mind for the reward ahead. At that point, Bradley was ready. The Chief led him to the top of the tallest tree in the world, known simply as “The Balls”, and left him to finish his journey alone. It appeared that the Chief shed a single tear at the departure of his apprentice, but it was actually blood, that has gushing from a hole made by a woodpecker that had a bad case of “Injin Hatred”. Pitt steadied himself on the branch he was standing on, grabbing his testicles and throwing his fist in the air, he began to sing “Fuck tha Police” in ancient Hebrew. As the brave soul did so, the Heaven's opened up to show the brightest of lights ever seen, followed by God's fist coming down and uppercutting the Major, launching him backward. The Major had no idea how long he was air born, because he lost consciousness after about an hour. When he did awake, it was from the unimaginable pain that was caused by breaking every bone in his body. The pain forced him to open his eyes, which caused him to see the most beautiful thing imaginable. The Bear Kingdom! Not even his punctured lung or failing kidneys could distract him now. At the entrance of the ground dominion of the bears, stood a massive, muscle-packed Grizzly. In one hand the massive beast held a purple maraca, while in the other, a big ass sack of goat kidneys. (Literally, it was a sack made of ass) Then, in a voice that seemed to fill the whole of the world itself, the bear boomed, “welcome my human friend! You have made the journey, reached your destination, and found your way to me! I am known as Constantine the Penetrator, head of the Department of Immigration. You sir, are an outsider, and therefore must be checked for security risks...” He paused ever so slightly, just to see the horror on Major's face, before finishing with, “via penetration!” The Major was forced to undergo such “penetration”, having himself violated by the maracas and his kidneys replaced by that of the goats. Even though what Constantine did was beyond excruciating, Pitt was miraculously healed. He felt a newfound strength as The Penetrator let him pass, and he sprinted the entire way to Grizzly Mountain. Upon arrival, he was greeted by a throng of bears congratulating him on his success. He had made it! The bear king, Elbert, accepted the gift of salmon, and gave the Major the most hardcore high five in history, shaking the Earth out of orbit for a few moments. After this, Pitt went on to spend his well earned week with the bears. During his time, he was able to help launch the bear space program, which allowed the first bear ever to breach the Earth's atmosphere. That bear's name was Constantine, and he know spends his time hunting space salmon with his trident and appearing on a particular t-shirt produced by Ryan Sharon. Also, Pitt was able to infuse his testicles with two magical gems given to him by the mighty Cecil. After this though, as is custom, the Major was sent back home to live his life among his fellow humans. With his newly achieved Ursotastic powers, he went on to build the wonder known as Disneyland and produce a grandchild that is now worshiped by all whoever have been or will be. As you have now learned, Major Bradley Pitt experienced the true wonders of spending a week with bears.

The Wet Viking - November 13th, 2009

More than one thousand millennia ago (rough estimate), in the icy tundra known today as the Bahamas, lived the mighty and fabled Wet Viking. He roamed the realm of man, vanquishing his foes with the first AK-47 ever created (probably). Now, you are probably wondering why this beast of a man was called the Wet Viking. The answer, my friends, is very simple. You see, unlike most Vikings of his time, the Wet Viking chose to reach the villages he plundered by swimming across the oceans. Yes. I said he swam across fucking oceans. The rest of the Vikings, too afraid to stand up against the manly man, took beatings far worse than any you could imagine. Their ships were shattered when he swam through them, killing many Vikings and even taking some prisoner to become his sex slaves. After this occurred for many centuries, rumors started popping up that when out at sea, you could hear a noise that sounded an awful lot like, “boats are for pussies!” This kept the rest of the Vikings at bay, allowing the Wet Viking to plunder anyone he wanted. An example of this is France, which he literally conquered single-handedly in half an hour, pausing every few minutes to make love to thousands of French maidens (that one is actually a fact). The reign of the Wet Viking ended at no shore, for he controlled the land and the sea. He was the most badass person in history. Ever. That was, until he met a man called Sir Bearington. And by man, I mean bear. You see, Bearington did not agree with the way the Wet Viking treated the human race, because well, it was kind of mean. So, to deal with the problem, he went up to the Wet Viking’s house on top of Mt. Everest, armed with a god damned riot shield and throwing knife. The Wet Viking attempted to fire at the mighty bear, but was only shut down in his efforts. When the AK ran out of ammo, Bearington accurately through his knife at the weaponless fiend. More specifically, at his dick. The once powerful man fell at this, shedding a single tear of sorrow... Along with gallons of blood from his dick wound. The great bear king simply shook his head, and damned the Viking to the punishment of being raped for all eternity by the horrid bear known as Constantine the Penetrator. Now, the name 'Wet Viking' has been adopted by most transvestites, looking to secretly share themselves with each other. So, as you can see, this ferocious tyrant did bring some good to the world, even if that good only applies to trannies.

The year is 2500. The place is Three Cocks, Wales. The event is the International Masturbation Tournament. The stakes are a brand new Chick Blender 8000, or death. The contestants are Vlad Bigdickinsky, a homicidal Robot Beaver, and the ghost of Tom Hanks. The odds are pretty even.

At about noon, the official referee, a midget with excessively large teeth, took to the podium. Gazing at at the thousands of people in the stands, he grabbed the microphone and said, “What up mutha fuckas?” This was followed by about half an hour of everyone pointing their guns in the air and shooting repeatedly. This, as should have been expected, resulted in many deaths. After a brief funeral was held, involving a performance by clones of R. Kelly, the referee took to the podium once more, beginning, “now that was some serious shit right there. Who knew that the clouds could shoot back? I definitely didn't. Now anyways, I believe it's time to start some real hardcore, gangsta ass shit up in this bitch. You boys ready?” The contestants simply nodded, ready to start the pleasuring, and the referee finished by saying, “okay then. Ya'll know what's up. On the count o'three, you thugs is gonna get some. One.... two.... three!” At this, the trio began doing things that you would never want to see. Well, at least Bigdickinsky was. You see, Tom Hanks was busy trying to masturbate, but only ended up shoving his hand through himself, while the Robot Beaver was in the stands murdering the audience. Yes. Vlad was masturbating at the same time that people were being slaughtered in the background. Now, they (Masturbation Enthusiasts) say that by the time Bigdickinsky ended up ejaculating, everyone had already been killed by the Beaver, except Hanks of course, who was already dead. This may seem to complicate things, but Vlad had legitimately won the competition. The only problem with this, was that know one gave a shit. The Robot Beaver figured it was a good idea to take advantage of the situation, and stole the Chicken Blender 8000 from the podium. He then proceeded to chuck a chainsaw at the poor Russian, and sprint off in the distance. Now, the rest of the story is told in two ways. The first, is that the Robot Beaver made off to Missouri, and lift a luxurious life blending up chickens and selling them as McDonald's milkshakes. The other story is the exact same, except after 3 years, they (Tom Hanks Enthusiasts) say that his ghost came back raped the Robot Beaver for the rest of eternity. Now, how a ghost can rape a robot is up for you to decide.

Vietnamese Whippins - November 15th, 2009

“Well, shit Buck,” murmured Captain TJ Hooker. His accomplice was Sergeant Buck Hawkfish, a Native American of Cherokee descent. The pair stood at the edge of a cliff, gazing across the Vietnamese fields to see the well hidden Communist weapon, which was being prepped a mere mile from their current position. Going into prone position, Buck said, “Hook, that thing is massive! How in Chief Bigcloud's colon are we supposed to take it out?” The Captain took a puff from his cigar, replying, “lizards got weak spots, don't they? I mean, I know they can regrow their tails, but can they regrow.... other things?” Buck looked appalled, but knew it was what had to be done, and shook his head. “Alright then, it's settled. You're going to have to do some of your shaman shit, and take out Codename: Godzilla. Can you do that, Buck?” The grizzled shaman nodded to his superior, stepping towards the edge of the cliff. As he fell of the edge, he took the form of a Hawkfish, often called the Flying Fish. As he flew at top speeds, a few of the Communist caught sight of him and began to fire at the sky. However, they were unable to strike a hit because Buck had taken some Cocaine before hand, allowing him to be more agile. As he made his way past the Communists, he was able to reach his target. The massive lizard didn't know what him as Buck dove at his genitalia, cutting an artery and forcing the beast to shed thousands of tears. As the beast fell, Buck landed on the ground and transformed back to his normal form. The Communists all stood there, dumbfounded. Their creation had been defeated by a fish! How could this be? Then, in a totally unforeseen twist in plot, Godzilla stood up, whip in hand. His first action was whippin' Buck to death. Then, he started whippin' planes out of the sky. After this, he continued his reign of terror against the U.S., whippin' a large percentage to death. The only action that seemed reasonable was to retreat from Vietnamese soil, and begin prepping for a counter-attack against Godzilla, which is planned to occur in 2012, and will involve a dickload of nukes.

The "Boo Hoo in the Loo" Menace - November 16th, 2009

Deep within the African Serengeti, there lives an acapella group called the Boo Hoo in the Loo Gang. This is because they tend to show up at very awkward times, such as when you're alone in a bathroom stall crying. Their ridiculous singing only ceases during special occasions, such as holidays, when they switch to being Pirate Magicians. If you're wondering what exactly I mean by Pirate Magicians, just try and imagine someone calling you a “saucy wench” while pulling out sexual objects from a hat, whose uses are very debatable. Now, if those things aren't enough to piss you off, then this last one will. They're five year olds. Yep. I said it. Those god damn mother fuckers that pissed off the Whale Gods a few months back, are the ones responsible for this obnoxious acapella/pirate-magic debacle. So, we, as a people, need to shut these bastards down once and for all. By putting poison in the mixture for Trix cereal. I mean, if the rabbit can't get it, then those kids are going to pay. With blood. Because we're going to chinsaw all the healthy, non-cereal eating types. And by chinsaw, I mean we're going to strap the biggest chainsaws we can find to our chins, and shut some five year olds down. Down with the young menace!

Imagine: The Strange Stories of a Generation; Issue 8 - November 17th, 2009

Imagine if when you ejaculated, a black hole was created, turning your body inside out and pushing it out of your urethra. Or if the entire world was taken over by a rogue group of zombie ninja panda bears. Or if 30% of A Week With Bears viewers weren't from Germany and Brazil. Or if when you ordered a burger from Burger King, they did NOT make it your way. Or if we found out Mormons are just a group of time traveling vikings, prepping to bring back the reign of their Nordic Empire. Or if Brad Pitt kidnapped Obama, and threatened to have him killed if Victoria didn't reveal her secret. Or if every Disney movie involving a minority, ever, wasn't racist (Apparently, Native American's don't talk to trees?). Or if A Week With Bears was actually a communist plot to take over the world, led by Bill Murray. Or if you found out your cat ran away. Because that would just suck. 

The Time Traveling Escapade (Part One) - November 18th, 2009

Dear fellow Bear Watchers,

You all must be wondering why I was absent for so long. Many claim it to be a lack of commitment. Some say that I'm just lazy. The majority of communist China believes I was in the Antarctic building a drill that could reach the core. Now, all of these theories would have been highly likely, had something terrible not happened. And by terrible, I mean completely and utterly awesome beyond the point of necessity. You see my friends, it was in May 2009 that I was kidnapped, by non other than a fully alive, fully kidnap capable Patrick Swayze. Yes my friends. The lord of dancing dirty kidnapped me. The reason, you may ask, is that he needed me to travel through time with him. You see, Mr. Swazye was from the future, and had only faked his death so he could dedicate the rest of his life to saving humanity. From what, you're wondering? Penguins. God damned, tyrannical, world conquering penguins. 

The Return of Lion-O and his Continual Rapings - November 19th, 2009

In the pit known only as Costco, there lives a secret, long forgotten race of people. They stay inside its domain, living off of the endless supplies it has to offer. When it's filled with customers, the creatures hide in the ventilation system, fearful of what their human visitors may do to them. You see, I'm talking about the one and only Thundercats. After their show was canceled eons ago, Lion-O led his rag tag group of badass cat people to the one place he knew they'd be accepted. Ms. Castle, a very strict, some say evil vice principal's home. This is because she is definitely a cat lady. After taking care of the lost heroes for a few years, she decided they needed a true home. Some place where they could be happy, yet still provide a necessary job in the world. So, being the coolest bastards in history, they invented a store filled with literally ever type of anything, ever, in all of everything, for cheap as dick. Humans everywhere rejoiced at the new found reason to buy shit, and sprinted through the beautiful, open doors. However, they were soon stopped by some password checking for cards. To avoid having an overflow of people, the Thundercats thought it would be a good idea to only let in white, non-rapists. Of course, the blacks got pissed about this and banded together, marching to the mighty gates of the Costco Tower in Argentina. To make they point seem clear, Samuel L. Jackson ordered for the Thundercats to be raped repeatedly. During this, all that could be heard was, "THUNDERCATS! OOOOHHHH!!!". Not wanting to be raped, the Thundercats immediately changed their policy, allowing all races into Costco stores everywhere. Obviously, the whites got pissed off because you can't just go contradicting your beliefs, and also marched to the Costco Tower. This time, as the Thundercats were being raped, all that could be heard was, "SNARF! SNARF SNARF SNAAAARRRRFFFF!". Then, because the rapists wanted an excuse to do some raping, they too went to the Costco Tower and gave some pain filled punishment. Finally, the Thundercats went Bruce Lee on their asses and committed some good 'ole Argentinian murder. Yeah. Their is a lesson to this story. Don't fuck with a cat people.

The First Bear. Ever. - November 20th, 2009

Way back when, before people knew what a furry fetish was, their lived the first 'bear'. I say 'bear', because he was something like a bear, which all other bears were created from. His name was Beary Bear, and he was the leader of a group called the Ursus Primus, who lived on the Sun. They controlled the western half of the Sun, while their rival group, the Squirrelius Magnos, lived on the eastern side. For thousands of years they lived in peace, hardly noticing the others existence. One day, however, this all changed. You see, on that very day, the leader of the Squirrelius Magnos, whose name was Hotchman, held a party for all the inhabitants of the Sun. On this same day, Beary Bear's mother past away, causing him to sob for hours and get excessively drunk. Later on in the day, in his drunken stupor, Beary decided it would be a good idea to stop by the party. When he arrived, he slumped around the dance floor, accidentally breaking champagne glasses and puking on Hotchman's fiancee. Not knowing of Beary's loss, Hotchman had him kicked out. This started a massive conflict spanning over thousands of years between the two leaders, ending in the victory of Squirrelius Magnos and the first appearance of Cecil to living creatures. Because Cecil found Hotchman to be somewhat power hungry and vengeful against the Ursus Primus, he took the throne. This led to the great ruling of Cecil, which actually ended horribly, because he destroyed every living thing on the mighty star. However, mourning for the loss of the good creature that Beary was, Cecil went on to create the bears, allowing them to live on Earth.   

The Seal Mystery? - November 21st, 2009

While sitting in the mighty realm known as Taco Time today, I asked my friend Jordan Palmer a simple question; If you had to have sex with an animal, what animal would you choose? Of course, being a bitch, she said, "you have to answer first!" Obviously, I said a seal. The best part of this entire situation was one our other friend, Maddy Gill, suddenly freaked out, saying, "No no no no no! You do not want to have sex with a seal!" Throughout our meal, she explained to us that seals are dastardly evil beasts that actually have hands, but hide them in hidden pockets. Then, when you are least expecting it, they jump on you and murder you with your beastly hands. Also, she mentioned some BS about how eating their eyes is good for you? Just don't even ask. I'm pretty sure she's legally insane. I mean, that might explain why Canadians made a sport out of killing them, but look how awesome they are!

The Time Traveling Escapade (Part 2) - November 22nd, 2009

Patrick Swayze smiled at me, handing me a cool glass of scotch. "So Ryan, are you truly prepared for the task ahead?" I thought about it, and deciding that this would be best, I said, "of course, sir." So, at that, we marched forward into the mighty mammoth that was the time machine. As we stepped forward, Swayze set the meter to 2370 and closed the door. Pressing the giant red button as if it were a Wack-A-Mole, the machine lit up, and the world around us melted. After swirling through something that appeared to be Marlon Brando's colon, we popped out in the year 2370. We had landed in a snowy, arctic area. At the time, I assumed it must be Russia. "So Swayze, where exactly are we?" Shaking his head, he said, "this, my friend, is the Disneyland Theme Park." He could tell I was confused, because the sign above read, "Dinosaur Rape Machine". "My boy, years ago the Penguins bought out Disney in an attempt to gain an upper hand over the dinosaurs, who had returned to Earth in 2263. They eventually turned the entire place into a rampaging dinosaur rape facility. It's just horrible..," he finished, shedding a single tear. I simply shook my head in disgust, and followed him forward. After about 1000 feet, we came about what appeared to be a giant dildo with wheels. Swayze beamed, "this is a kick start dildo I modified a few years back. I put some wheels on it, so we'll be able to use it for transportation," he paused, allowing both of us to get on, and finished, "now, we have to make our way to the bears. At least, what's left of them..."

Brutus and The Crushinator - November 23rd, 2009

Deep within the loins of Zeus himself, lives the two manliest testicles in the history of man, god, or broccoli. The only thing even close to their pure epicness are the testicles of Ryan Sharon, known as the Terrible Twosome. If you're wondering, his penis is known as Captain Harding. Anyways, back to Zeus' testicles. It is after said that Brutus and The Crushinator, as they're called, once fought an entire pack of rocket firing llamas single handedly. They are also said to have been the original masters behind the Mona Lisa, threesomes, the David, the Thinker, and the the Nazi uniform. (I know, I know. Nazis were dickheads, but don't even try and tell me that they didn't have the coolest uniforms ever.) Besides doing excessively awesome things, they occasionally write poetry in their free time. And by write poetry, I mean they have sex with beautiful women and destroy entire armies with a single scrotum flex. In 1997, they were given the Noble Peace Prize for Basket-weaving, and had successfully invented the word "Cockasaurus". Yes, they officially named Zeus' penis that year. Now, if you'd like to contact Brutus and/or The Crushinator, then go fuck yourself. They're busy. Doing it.

They Danced Their Way Through our Solar System... - November 24th, 2009

You all surely remember where we left off with the story of Drewy and Flab, the greatest dancemasters of all time. You see, at the time, they were working their way to the moon to challenge Goober, a King Moonblob Dance-Master. Now, since our last update, Drewy and Flab have wiped the floor with Goober, via a deadly combination of the moonwalk and the booty dew. Also, they've conquered such notable planets as Mercury, Saturn, and Neptune. Technically, they also conquered Pluto, but apparently that's no longer a planet (fuck you, scientists). Because of the sheer awesomeness and sexuality of these two, the rest of the planets' best dancers have dropped out, thus throwing the solar system in the hands of our Swedish heroes. Of course, the other participants of the Galactic Dance Off are quivering in their boots. At least, we hope so. The grand master of Fuck-Everybody-Else System recently released this message:

"Hey guys. I just wanted to say that we think you kind of suck. So, to deal with this in a reasonable and civilized manner, we're going to start kicking the shit out of puppies. Yes. Puppies. Now if you call this gay again, you intolerable hate mongers, we swear to God we'll move on to kittens. Take that bitches."

So basically, we're fucked.

The Real Truth of the Dinosaurs (Part 5) - November 25th, 2009

As the two dinosaurs gazed at the magnificent homeless man known as Brayton, he grabbed them by the scales and they disappeared via time travel. After what felt like being raped by Kimbo Slice on PCP, Boris, Fwurgle, and Brayton landed on a concrete surface. Looking up, they saw massive buildings about them, the likes of which they had never seen. In harmony, the two dinosaurs uttered the word, "shit." Brayton, on the otherhand, simply smiled, took a shot of whiskey, and started walking down the street. Not wanting to get lost in this strange, strange world, Boris and Fwurgle followed the strange hobo. As he turned the corner, they appeared in front of a mighty golden van. Brayton turned to look at his compadres, saying, "alright boys, I'd like to say welcome to 2370 A.D. Just so you know, shit's gotten fucked up since the dinosaurs made their escape to Pluto." At this, Boris gasped, blurting, "the plan worked?! Are you saying the dinosaurs made their alliance with the Plutonian Vikings?!" Brayton nodded, saying, "they did indeed. Now, as you promised Cecil you would do, you've got to bring the armies of Pluto to Earth. The bears need you, Boris. And, well, I guess they'll accept you too, Fwurgle." After this statement, the pact was sealed between the three beings. The dinosaurs' destinies would be completed with the help of the mighty Brayton, and maybe, just maybe, the future would turn out slightly less fucked up.

The History of Bears: Volume Nine - November 27th, 2009

After the rebuilding of the Bear Kingdom, there was due cause for celebration. So, as they were told to by the mighty Cecil, the bears met with the mighty Native American known as Squanto. Along with him, they traveled to what is now present day Massachusetts,  and decided to have a celebratory dinner. However, the dinner became a party when some of Squanto's old buddies, the Pilgrims, showed up. After that, they did some acid and played Atari for 12 years straight. This caused Squanto to have a mild heart attack, which resulted in a sever choking accident, resulting in his death. Now, because nobody actually liked Squanto, the world unknowingly celebrates his death every year. So, since you're no longer ignorant of thanksgiving, how does it feel that you just got fat over some guy's death? Nice. Wasn't it enough to take their land?

Potatoes: The End of Germany - November 28th, 2009

Far off in the magical land known as Germany, there lives millions of beer guzzling, women humping, lederhosen sporting potatoes. No. That was not some form of strange typo. They're fucking potatoes. Now, you may be shocked about this little bit of information. This is because the German government has been downplaying the, well, human-like ways of their potatoes. The first record of these man potatoes was recorded during the era of the Nazis, and they were created via a horrible experiment involving a giant screwdriver and Charlie Chaplin's colon. Ever since this tragic accident, the potatoes have been sprouting up (God dammit. That's a pun.) everywhere along the German countryside, plaguing the entire world with their yodeling and funny accents. So, because the UN feels it's far more important than anything else, such as genocide and shit, they've decided to nuke the hell out of Germany. Of course, this could also be because some American generals/all of France still have a grudge since WWII, but we're not ruling out the potatoes thing. I mean, it could be real. Probably. The Germans did some weird shit back then, so I wouldn't put it past them. And besides, I think we owe France this. I mean, they have gotten their ass kicked in every war since like forever... 

The Time Traveling Escapade (Part 3) - November 29th, 2009

We rode that kick start dildo for several hours that night. All I saw were the bloodstains from fallen dinosaurs, humans, and bears alike. It was a horrible future the world had come to, and it was up to us to stop it. Trying to forget the horrible images we had passed, Swayze and I stopped on the side of the road and enjoyed some good ole Mountain Dew. At the time, it was the only thing that seemed to make me feel better. After about an hour, we kicked each other in the face (in a nice way), and moved out. Just as we hit the halfway mark of our journey, however, something horrible happened. A giant creature flopped in front of us, blocking the path. Instantly, I recognized it as a Killer Whale, because of the odd tattoos of gang symbols on it's fins. Before Swayze or myself could react, three beings climbed out of the whale's mouth. They were all wrapped in robes and wore crowns, obviously royalty. After a few moments, I realized they were a massive King Penguin, Poseidon, and Michael Phelps. Just as I went to gasp in extreme horror and shock, the penguin shouted, "you guys are so fucked!" And, well, we kind of were.

The [Censored by the Chinese Bureau of Censorship] of the [Censored by the Chinese Bureau of Censorship] - November 29th, 2009

In the dark mist known as Communist China, there lives two lizards, a walrus, and a porn star named Rebecca. They often perform horrible acts in public, such as [Censored by the Chinese Bureau of Censorship]. Also, on the weekends they purchase massive, liquidy tubes of [Censored by the Chinese Bureau of Censorship], which they use to perform intense [Censored by the Chinese Bureau of Censorship]. They are often known to drive down the street, blaring rap music, whose lyrics usually involve [Censored by the Chinese Bureau of Censorship]. By the time that the Chinese Bureau of Censorship could get to this horrible, fiendish group, they had already [Censored by the Chinese Bureau of Censorship] the president's wife with a [Censored by the Chinese Bureau of Censorship], yet still had time to rob a [Censored by the Chinese Bureau of Censorship] with a [Censored by the Chinese Bureau of Censorship], made of [Censored by the Chinese Bureau of Censorship], and were able to make away with at least one thousand [Censored by the Chinese Bureau of Censorship]. If you have any idea of the whereabouts of these fugitives, you are advised to contact the CBC or [Censored by the Chinese Bureau of Censorship] them with the fiery rage of one million exploding suns.

The Real Truth of the Dinosaurs (Part 6) - November 30th, 2009

The trio flew down the arctic road of the future in Brayton's golden van, crushing foolish weasels and committing every crime that you can while in a vehicle. At one point, as I'm 95% sure, they jumped over a giant river of lava, while shooting AKs at an attacking group of rebel Storm Troopers (Citation needed). After several days, maybe weeks, they ended up crashing into a beached whale. As they escaped the totaled vehicle, they came upon the seen involving myself, Swayze, Poseidon, Michael Phelps, and the malicious penguin. Brayton gazed down, shouting, "why howdy there boys!" The penguin turned around, obviously extremely pissed off. "And who in Poseidon's left nut are you?" Immediately afterwards, Poseidon's left nut exclaimed, "Yeah! Who the fuck are you?!" Brayton, being a complete badass, bent down with his .44 magnum out, and blew the left nut away. Then, he aimed at the right, causing Poseidon to jump into the fetal position. Now, just as things seemed to be going in our favor, several Manta Rays flew down from the sky, grabbing all of us up as prisoners. Because the penguin, Poseidon, and Michael Phelps were riding them, they were obviously working for them. At this point, as the penguin had said earlier, I realized that we were probably fucked.

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