The Search for the Gateway

 In the deep jungles of South America, an adventurer would arise. His name was Roger J. Carmichael, and he was on a mission. For the past 2 years he had been searching for a mysterious object called the Gateway, which would be able to take him to a hidden dimension. He had read about this hidden dimension on the walls of ancient Mayan structures, which were scattered throughout all of South America. At this point, he had no clue where to start looking for the Gateway, but he would soon find out. He was heading for an ancient structure called The Great Phallus, which was said to be the only way to find the Gateway. Searching through acres of Rainforest, Roger decided to rest. Sitting down and taking a sip from his Mountain Dew, Roger began to think about why he was was on this journey. What was in this hidden dimension? What would he do there? Would he survive? Dismissing the questions, he stood up, only to find himself face to face with a '57 Hollowbody. "Well, aren't you a sneaky one. I assume you've come to see The Great Phallus, aye? Hmmmm. As the guardian, it's my decision whether you pass or not, but Zeus told me I should let you pass. So, on you go Roger," spoke JMII, who obviously had the urge to play a riff on his guitar that would shatter Roger's bones. Stepping aside, JMII allowed Roger to pass, and step onto the trail leading to the mighty statue. After walking for a few minutes, Roger caught sight of it. It was grand. The giant penis jutted at the sky, golden in all it's glory. Gazing with awe, Roger could only say, "daaaaammmmmnnnnn." Climbing atop the hill it was built upon, he was able to get to the very base of the mighty cock. At a closer look, Roger was able to notice a symbol on the front of The Great Phallus, which was of the Sun. Putting his hand on the marking, he became very shocked and leaped back. Where the symbol had been, a large door appeared, opening up for Roger's entrance. Speaking to himself again, he said, "well, this one calls for a holy fuck." Walking in, the door shut, and several lights came on. At this, Roger realized something. The Great Phallus was a rocket!!!

"Wait," shouted JMII as Roger boarded The Great Phallus, continuing, "I'm going with you." Roger just nodded, and the two boarded the giant penis rocket, hitting the ignition switch. As the rocket took off, it's flames ignited the forest, creating the largest forest fire in history. It resulted in every tree in South America to burn down, and many children as well. But it didn't matter to the two men. They were on an epic quest with much more pressing issues ahead. JMII rested his '57 Hollowbody against the control panels and reclined his chair. "Ah. Here comes the Sun," referenced the assistant of Christ. "The Sun? What the fuck? How are we supposed to survive there? What's on the Sun?" frantically questioned Roger. "What's on the Sun?," chuckled JMII, "well that's simple. It's Cecil's home. We gotta get that son of a bitch before we can get anyone else. How else do you expect to find the Gateway? Masturbating? Growing a burly mustache and pretending to be buff? Opening a catering business specializing in sushi? All good ideas, but they won't work. That's why you need Cecil and the rest of the Council." Roger was still a bit confused about this whole "Council" business, but he didn't question it. He had to convince himself that they would somehow survive their trip to the Sun, as they grew ever closer. Suddenly, The Great Phallus was hit by a massive object. Roger's legs were torn off, and The Great Phallus was split in half. JMII was stuck in one piece, while a now legless Roger was in the other. Before falling unconscience, Roger was able to catch a glimpse of a massive frozen piece of shit floating by. It was the droppings of a Space Turtle, known to often destroy satellites and Interstellar Pizza Delivery Vans. With that, Roger lost his ability to stay awake, and fell into a deep slumber.

Waking up, Roger rubbed his eyes to clear his vision. In front of him, he could see a donkey staring at his face, which was obviously just another dream. Rubbing his eyes again and fully waking up, Roger realized something. That donkey was real. "Shit! Where the hell am I?," screamed the confused explorer. The donkey just smiled and chuckled a wee bit. That was when Roger noticed something odd. The donkey was walking on his hind legs! "Who are you," he questioned. The donkey pulled up a stool next to Roger's hay bed, and said, "the name's Red. Red Cornshaw. I'm just a local farmer heh, and I own the hundred acres that surround meh cabin. The 'eal question is, who eh you?" Roger just gazed at Red, unblinkingly, astonished. Finally, he stuttered, "I'm....I'm....I'm Roger...I'm....from.....from Earth." Suddenly, Red got the most excited like in his eyes, showing more enthusiasm than Roger new possible. "Ah man! I been waitin' for you teh git heh! Lemme go in teh back, an' git suit!" Running to the opposite side of the room, Red opened up a door and disappeared for a few moments. Roger just sat there, completely confused, and tried to decide whether or not to leave. Just as he had made the decision to leave, Red burst through the door in something that was extremely disgusting. It was a pink speedo that had a picture of Willy Nelson on the crotch, and he had on an excessive amount of makeup. Walking closer to Roger, he called, "nah come on ya litta rascal. I paid good money for tis, and I ain't waitin' nah longa. So climb up inna meh arms little boy." Backing up into a corner, Roger had no where to run. The donkey rapist was coming closer and closer to him, and it reminded him of a weekend he spent in Tijauna. Only feet away, Red's eyes were filled with sexual desire, for he had not seen anyone in 38 years, and being a donkey, he couldn't masturbate with his hooves. Starting to drool, he jumped at Roger in his daze. Reacting rast, pushed a large metal machine in front of him. Turns out it was a Woodchipper, and the donkey was soon vaporized against the wall. Sighing with relief, Roger slid to the floor. He would fallen asleep at that very moment had someone not burst through the door. It was a might winged horse, coming to Roger's salvation. Pegasus.

"Fucking balls," uttered Roger, who was still in shock. Pegasus just stood against the wall, picking at his teeth with his hoof. He winnied once, then spoke up, "ya know, you'd be either dead or getting raped right now, if it weren't for me. Probably both. So the least you could do is stop freaking out, and come with me to go pick up the others." Looking up, all Roger could muster was, "what the fuck?" "Ugggh. Do you really not know? The wings don't give it away? I'm Pegasus, proud member of the Holy Council of Sex. Zeus told me to pick you up, because you had to meet with Cecil for something. So, that's why I'm here. I also have to pick up Harold and the bears on the way." Without even allowing Roger to accept, Pegasus did a line of Cocaine and tossed the human on his back. Flying into space, the dive bombed towards a crowd of meteors. Only, they weren't meteors. They were Giant Space Turtles! As they grew closer and closer, one of the Space Turtles flipped over, revealing his erected penis. Roger screamed as the pair collided with the tip, flying down the Urethra. Causing a pleasurable sensation, the Turtle ejaculated, launching the two into a place hidden to most. The Bear Kingdom. Waking up, Roger threw up multiple times. Afterwards, he noticed that he was covered in Turtle jizz, causing him to throw up even more. Eventually, he realized that he was also covered in throw up, resulting in him jizzing in his pants. By the time he looked up, Roger realized he was surrounded by Pegasus, King Harold, King Bartholomew, Tamponio, and Zacchaeus. In unison, they all blurted out, "holy hobo thong." This caused them all to appear outside of the Bear Kingdom, and back in space. Trying to adjust themselves on Pegasus' back, one of them accidentally ripped open a compartment under his fur, revealling more cocaine. Turning his head back and smiling, Pegasus showed off the grillz in his mouth and said, "we be ridin' dirty!"

As the Council Members and Roger flew through the vast domains of space, they all contemplated what Roger's purpose was and why Zeus had told them all about him. While doing this, Pegasus snorted even more Cocaine. Because he was so high, Pegasus began to lose control of his flight patterns, flying in radically changing directions. As the spun, they narrowly avoided a ring of asteroids. However, right in front of them was a black hole. Unable to avoid the almost certain death trap, the group held tight as Pegasus flew straight into it. "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! MOTHER I LOVE YOU," wailed Tamponio surprisingly, because he was thought to be the toughest out of everyone there. Suddenly, they appeared on the other end of the hole. Where the appeared was a forest made of excessively tall clowns, who starred menacingly down on the group. Then, for no apparent reason, they teleported again, appearing in the middle of a bathroom. In the bathtub taking a bubble bath was Adolf Hitler, who gasped, "oh shiza!" Teleporting once again, they appeared in a church. A Mormon church. "OH MY GOD!" screamed the group, just before their final teleportation. The place the arrived at next was much more comforting. Cecil's Mansion on the Sun. And by mansion, I mean this thing took up half the Sun. Half of it. And the other half was used for annual witch burnings. The room they were in was a massive, and at the center was a towering golden statue of Cecil himself. As they looked up, they could see that his eyes had been encrusted with giant diamonds. "Woah! You guys can't just come barging in here like this! I was looking up important stuff on my computer," shouted Cecil's familiar voice from the top of the statue. There, he had an office resting on the statue's head. Laughing, Bartholomew asked, "and by important stuff you mean porn?" Cecil just glared down, burning a hole with his laser vision in the floor. "Well, I'll clean up and you guys can find a way to get yourselves up here."

Using a makeshift hang glider, the group was able to propel themselves up, all smoking crack first of course. They rose and rose until they finally reached the top of the mighty statue, where Cecil was furiously scrubbing the floor with a brush and soap. He had cleaned up most of his mess, but the majority of the floor was covered in a sticky white goo. Sighing, he stopped his attempt and turned around, saying, "well, you caught me. It gets lonely on the Sun." Looking over, Tamponio noticed something and cracked, "lonely enough to use a blow up doll?" Cecil ignored the comment, and sat in his office chair, lighting his pipe. Puffing on it thrice, he said, "so. I assume you must be the almighty Roger, apprentice of Zeus?" "Ummm, I'm Roger. I don't understand this whole Zeus thing, but I'm here to claim the Gateway. I know you have it Cecil." Cecil seemed confused. Setting down his pipe, he asked, "you want my computer? My brand new Gateway computer? Well, I don't see why. It's got a virus from viewing too many alternative movies. And yes, I mean porn." Roger just looked at Cecil in a face of awe and shock. He couldn't wrap his head around it. A computer? A stupid, piece of shit, broken computer?!?! "What. The. Fuck." Cecil just shrugged, stood up and put his tophat on. Sliding to the floor, he pulled out a bottle of Vodka. Roger, seeing no point in relying on the rest of the people, climbed into the office chair and powered on the computer. As it started, it would made a nice little beeping sound and the screen turned on. What he saw was very strange. It was a pig bent over, being raped by a lightning bolt. As Roger watched for several minutes, a giant title popped up on the screen reading: YOU'VE JUST BEEN ZEUS'D! Before he could react, he was struck by a mighty lightning bolt in the ass. The shock killed him instantly. Afterwards, mighty Lord Zeus hovered down, making his throne upon the corpse of the once passionate explore. "I'm glad to see you all could make it, TO MY SURPRISE PARTY! Thanks everyone! You really shouldn't have!" Cecil, being drunk and slightly high, pulled out a .44 Magnum and shot Roger's nuts. Bam!

The End