“In a place so fucked up, so strange, and so fat that people are forced to mainly stay on the couch during the day, lives the entire human race. Of course, I'm talking about the planet Earth. At the center of this story is Neil Patrick Harris, and for the next few hours we'll be following his life. To begin, we'll steady our cameras down to his exact location, which is of course with his wandering circus, which is now passing through San Francisco. Now, his story will begin,” finished the ominous voice booming from above.

Suddenly, everything flashed, and the focus of the story became the inside of a large red circus. The crowd surrounded the edges of the tent, and there was no way that NPH could be spotted. Then, a light in the center flashed on and everything went silent. Amidst the lightened circle stood the Lord of Awesome, Master of Badass, and King of Fuck. It was Neil Patrick Harris. He was wearing a top hat and a long fur coat. Also, he had grown out a long, thick, black mustache that curled at the tips. Then, as if he were God himself, he raised his hands to the sky and boomed, “welcome, one and all, to my Circus of Oddities. Here, you will see things you've never imagined, and possibly never wanted to. You have entered a place that has no exits and no doors. Do not fear, however, for if you stay calm, no harm will come to you. Otherwise, well, then your fucked. I hope you enjoy the show!” Everyone then seemed to get worried looks as NPH grabbed an excessively huge penis hanging from the ceiling. It quickly pulled him up, and the onlookers gazed with wonder. Immediately after, a new, shirtless man slid down the penis and landed in the light. He appeared to be completely normal, but something strange became very obvious. He had multiple nipples! Everywhere! He was covered in them! He had to have at least 100, maybe more. Soon though, it became clear that he wasn't just a multi-nippled man. Within seconds he turned into a large Grizzly Bear! The crowd started to panic, causing the bear to bound across the floor. A young man, by the name of Adam Nardo, tried to leap across the barrier and search for an exit. The bear jumped onto the small child and ripped him into pieces. Then, the penis let down a neon dolphin, who immediately began eating all the nearby babies. The bear and dolphin soon teamed up, slaughtering the crowd. Out of nowhere, a reggae group of Brad Pitt clones began to sing “Buffalo Soldier” by Bob Marley. Amidst the chaos and confusion, NPH and 14 year old Shannon McEldowney appeared. Shannon pulled out her giant penis, which she had been using to the release the acts, and lassoed the top of the tent. Using Shannon's penis to climb to safety, NPH would soon get away. Reaching the top of the tent, and climbed out into the open as the circus-goers were massacred. Unlucky for the dying individuals, NPH had stimulated Shannon's penis, causing her to ejaculate. All of the people that had somehow survived the Bear/Dolphin onslaught soon drowned in her jizz. Then, for no apparent reason at all, a random man ran from the tent and ejaculated in a vending machine, possibly trying to top Shannon. Also, a family-filled minivan tried to escape the circus from Hell, but one of the acts, a sumo, ate the entire van with them inside. Then, NPH tried to climb down the side of the circus tent, but his lucky penny fell from his pocket and onto the ground. “NO!!!” he shouted, as he slid down the side of the tent and onto the ground. He ran to his penny, and held him in his hands. The Lincoln on it's surface looked up with a pained expression, and started to say, “Neil....*Cough**Cough*...I....I don't have....much time to live...*Cough*..Neil....I......love you....forever...,” spoke the Lincoln penny as life slowly faded from him. Then he was gone. “Damn you! Damn you, you fucker! You fucker!!!” screamed NPH as his friend died in his hands. As he looked to the sky for remorse, he noticed something terrible. There were pimps parachuting down in huge groups. And they had guns. Lots of guns. They were the Global Freeze Tag Alliance, and they challenging the United States to an international game of Freeze Tag. Before NPH could stop himself, he pulled out his Rainbow Cannon and shot down as many of the pimps as he could. He couldn't kill them all, however, for there were just too many. He was running out of time, when all of a sudden, the town drunk, Jack Polito, came riding in on a Velociraptor. He distracted the GFTA pimps as he shouted, “lightning fuck!” This gave NPH enough time to run away, tipping his top hat to Polito as he passed. He needed to get to the bank and get his money so he could leave the country before anything else happened. He ran and ran, for miles on end, until suddenly he tripped. He turned to see what he had hit, only to find several pieces of bark gang-raping a pancake. “Cletus! Ya damned varment,” shouted an obviously southern man. NPH looked, only to see two hillbillies charging each other in tractors and swinging rakes. The two collided, both landing nude, next to each other on the ground. They grasped each other, and the one called Cletus said, “your the best cousin I ever had.”At this, NPH got to his feet and sprinted away. After about an hour, he arrived at a Bank of America. He walked in, hoping to be as quick as possible. Unfortunately, that wasn't going to happen. He only had taken a few steps in, when out of nowhere he was struck in the back of the head. In his unconscious slumber, he began to dream of strange things. Very strange things. Some of them included a ketchup spewing corn puff, a watermelon with a head lamp, a break dancing pineapple, a pig with a mud gun, and a walrus wielding a hammer. Except the walrus wasn't a dream. He was real, and he was robbing the bank! He was bashing in people's skulls, causing brains and blood to fly everywhere, while grabbing as much money as he could. He had almost collected all the money, when Mr. Hagler from MSHS opened the door in short shorts. He was just there checking his mail, but unlucky for him, the walrus didn't care. He threw his hammer at Hagler's head, killing him and pinning his body to the door. This gave NPH enough time to pull out his rainbow cannon, which he used to shoot the walrus in the face with, killing him instantly. Turning around, he watched as all the bank employees stood up, and cheered his name. They were calling him a hero.

4 Months Later...

“So Neil, how does it feel to be a hero?” asked Oprah Winfrey. “Fuck that shit. I just wanted to get my money and get out. That prick just decided to rob the wrong bank. I didn't do it to save people. He was just pissing me off. And why am I on with all these freaks?” quipped NPH. The moon, who had been on the show for cutting himself, ran off the stage crying. As he ran, he accidentally stepped on Kim Jong Il's foot, who reacted quite violently. He jumped up, grabbed Oprah and cut her face off. Then, he continued screaming. He was on for a conflict with Burger King, in which he threatened to nuke them for not making his burger his way, which was free. Also, Bruce Banner, AKA the Incredible Hulk, was there, but he had received several years worth of therapy and no longer was faced with being bipolar. Then, from behind the curtains came Dr. Phil, who said, “Listen here bucko. Your too mean, so stop being mean, cause that's not nice and no-,” spoke Dr. Phil, who was quickly cut off as Adolf Hitler punched him in the face. “Ich liebe das Dritte Reich!” shouted Hitler, who saluted NPH, who was starting up his jetpack. As it started, he began to fly away. Flying higher and higher.

Suddenly the screen stopped showing NPH, and a message come on, reading: Sorry for the inconvenience, but we've lost connection. For the time being, we'll show you some of our favorite commercials. Then, a new image appeared on the screen. It was a picture of Elvis Presley performing in front of Stonehenge. The title read: Come visit the glorious home of the King! Moments later, another commercial came on. This time it was of a polar bear standing on a melting chunk of ice, saying, “ahhh! Why does it have to be hot?!?!” Then words appeared, which read: Nipple Lasers are melting Ice Caps. Then, a commercial for a new film came on, which was about two chickens who had fallen madly in love with each other, but their parents didn't want them to be together. The title was”I Beg for Your Egg.” Suddenly, it changed to an alert channel, reading: Breaking News! The anchorman was General Custard, who was lying in a bath tub taking a bubble bath. “Ehmm,” he coughed, before starting to speak, “ladies and gentlemen. My dear friends. Terrible things have occurred, oh the most terrible things. Today, the bodies of Google Search Engine and the Wiggles were discovered. From what the autopsy reads, Google overdosed on a lethal amount of Heroin, while the Wiggles were found shot during one of their live shows in Compton, California. Also, this just in. Zeus, Lord of the Gods, is challenging Muhammad Ali to a fight to the death. Zeus has been training with his trainer, Jesus Christ, all year, but training was cut short when Jesus was charged and imprisoned for hitting his wife. When asked how he feels about the matter, Jesus just shouted, “fuck that whore!” An inside source has told us that Jesus caught her sleeping with Donald Trump, and is now filing for a divorce. Sad, but OH MY GOD!!! EXTREME BREAKING NEWS! We have just gotten word that everyman that is not Neil Patrick Harris is getting attacked by their own penises!” At this, Custard stopped. He too was being attacked by his vengeful cock. Then BAM! The screen focused back on NPH, who was on a completely different planet. He stood there, watching spacebots and cheese-covered monkeys fly through the air. It was strange, yet so beautiful “Duuuuuuudddddddeeeeeee. Isn't this place rad, eh? You ever been here before, eh? Maaaaannnnn! Your Neil Patrick Harris, eh! Man, eh,” spoke a Canadian Mounty, who was lying next to Neil, and chugging a bottle of acid. “Maaaaaannnnnnnn, you see that dragon, eh? That dragon at the disco, eh? Maaaaaannnnnn ooooooohhhhhhhhh maaaaaaaannnnnnn. That's crazy,” continued the Mounty. Eventually Neil got tired of him, and curb stomped him, causing his hallucinating brain to be crushed. He took not a step forward, when suddenly, an eyeless donkey flew in front of him, while carrying Jessica Simpson, who was wearing a cowboy hot. “Welcome to the Brothel from Hell!” shouted the donkey, who zipped away almost immediately. Looking up, NPH realized he was in front of a huge brothel. Walking in, he noticed that the man at the front desk was a Narwhal. A magical Narwhal. As NPH got closer, the Narwhal boomed, “I am the great Narwhal called Amadaeus! I run the television documentary that follows your life, and I welcome you to my beautiful brothel!!!” “Ok, fucker,” replied a tired NPH, as he walked up the stairs to his room. He reached the top, and walked to the door to room 000. Opening it, he discovered something insane. It was filled with monkeys. Psychic Monkeys. And they mindfucked him.

After all of this had occurred, Wesley Nelson went on to change his name to Pope Spiderman III, and rewrote the Laws of Gravity. He was later forced to step down by former Pope, Gregory IV, who had gone on to become partners with Jesus, and was now called JMII. Riding his velociraptor into the middle of the International Game of Freeze Tag, JMII froze almost everyone, gaining the title of Freezemaster. Now, only JMII, NPH, and the Techno Viking stayed unfrozen. Together, they started a never ending dance contest against each other, which took place in Venezuela.