The History of Bears

For years, the Great Bears of our time have gone unnoticed. Pushed aside by greedy humans looking for glory. No longer shall that occur, for the truth shall be told, and the Bears will be known. I will start in 1776, because that is a very important date in bear history. In that year, a Bear by the name of Sir Bearington brought together a group of humans to form an alliance, which was called the Urso-Sapien Pact of Loyalty. Together, they defeated the British and formed a new country to share, which was called the Empire of Ursosapia. For a few years, it was a place where man and bear could live in harmony, and peace flourished. That did not last long, however, because some humans felt that the bears didn't belong. They soon pushed them out of Ursosapia, and renamed the country the United States of America. The bears, without home or refuge, went to Bearington for guidance. Being a kind and generous bear, he promised to bring the bears a land of their own. So, to fulfill his promise, he went to the most powerful being he knew. Cecil. Cecil loved the bears, for they were his creation, and he could not let them go on homeless. In a location known to all bears and only the most trusted humans, Cecil created the Bear Kingdom. There, the bears have lived in great harmony, thanking Sir Bearington for bringing Cecil's glory upon them. Some humans have been recently allowed in, and they too follow Cecil's word. They are called the Bear Watchers, a name given to them by one of Cecil's top human advisors, and loyal servant.

The great King Rufus ruled for many years, expanding the Bear empire and making allies with the dimension of Vagina, and there King, Harold the Sasquatch. This alliance came in handy when the Urso-Soviet Russian war happened. The bears were on the verge of being defeated, their home city in rubble, when Harold came to their aid. His Woisenwinwateran Army arrived just in time, pushing back the communists with extreme force. With this, the alliance was sealed. It took nearly two years for the capitol city of Grizzly Mountain to be rebuilt, and was only done with the aid of Harold's Leprechaun workers. The city was more marvelous than ever, and was built using a famous bear architect, Otto Von Hiensburg Bearington, who was a relative of Sir Bearington. Six years after the reconstruction, Rufus stepped down and picked a passionate successor. His name was Aemilius, and ascended from the the ancient Roman bears of Italy. With his divine military tactics, Aemilius increased the Bear Kingdom's army tenfold, while also increasing the quality of the Military Schools. Using brute force, Aemilius lead the Bear Kingdom into the Aemilitan Legio Era. This was a time when the bear's main focus was militarism, and they were able to conquer foes such as the dragons and the Soviet Union. Not only did they increase their border lines, but they were the main reason for the Soviet Union's downfall. With this, the Bear's were finally safe from their most feared enemy, and were able to live peacefully for hundreds of years. 

After the tragic death of King Aemilius, which was caused by an accident during a Jetski Buffalo Hunting trip, the monarchy was turned over to Kaskae, the first polar bear to ever rule. He was able to bring a stronger brotherhood between the bears of the Bear Kingdom, and the Grizzly and Polar bears that lived in arctic territories. By doing this, Kaskae was able to set up stations called Urso Dens. They were refueling stations where small groups of military, medical, and government bears stayed to provide the survival neccessities for their brethren. This was the first time that the Bear Kingdom had territory outside of it's own domain, which allowed for stronger defenses and better understanding of the outside world. Also, Kaskae was able to gain a favorable alliance with the Eskimos, who wished for peace between the bears and humans. It was then that the first Bear Watchers were born, going by the name of Sos Genen, meaning Bear Shaman. They helped to further protect the bears, and tought them their kind and reserved ways. Before long, the bears started making their huts out of grass, and chose to only use natural materials. They also created a system where farms were formed through the entire Kingdom, allowing them to have plenty, and each farmer had their own territory. It were these sole things that stopped the Bear Kingdom from becoming like man and destroying all that they saw. After subjecting himself to the task at Rape Cliff, the bears didn't allow Kaskae to be raped any longer. They were too grateful to allow that, and took his body to the highest peak on Grizzly Mountain. It was there that he was cremated by a sacred group of Sos Genen who acted as oracles, never leaving the mountains peak. Half of his ashes were spread at Rape Cliff, while the rest were spread across his home in Alaska.

After Kaskae's passing, the Bear's allowed themselves to be taken over by something that was never thought possible. A human. It wasn't just any human however, but none other than David Bowie. Since the world assumed he was crazy after his role in the movie Labyrinth, it made perfect sense to make him king. In his first year, he was able to bring the Bear's into the Super Funky 70's Era, in which Disko Balls were worshiped. Allowing the Bear's to have true entertainment, Bowie would play at a night club he had installed called the Ursus Sexus. It was the most popular thing to ever hit Bear culture. Every night the club would receive over a thousand guests, including creatures besides Bears. Ursus Sexus became the number one place to be for all mystical creatures, bringing the Bear Kingdom more money than ever before. They soon made Earth a vacation hot spot, because of Ursus Sexus and the resort at Woisenwinwater. Using the money they earned, the Bears were able to create a top hat factory, manufacturing the top hats at an explosive rate. It soon became a sign of honor in the Bear Kingdom, and more than 95% of the Bears chose to wear them. This is what many think of when they think of Bears, and it was all caused by Bowie's Ursus Sexus club. Tragically, Bowie died of a Meth overdose, because most humans can't sustain the amount of Meth abuse that Bears can. To compensate for the loss, the Bears built a David Bowie robot, which they released to the world. This is who most believe to be the real David Bowie today.

After David Bowie stepped down from rule, a new bear stepped forward. He was a renowned drug dealer by the name of Ziggy Cantalini, and had accidentally invented a drug in his basement called Meth some years earlier. Leaving his home in Long Beach, California, Ziggy made his way back to his birthplace. Of course, like most bears, that was the Bear Kingdom. Arriving just before Bowie resigned his kingship, Cantalini showed the bears his mighty creation, becoming the most popular bear in all of Grizzly Mountain. When a new king was needed, the decision was simple. After being crowned, Cantalini ordered a wide scale operation, in which six "Meth Tanks" would be built in a secret chamber below the King's tower. The Meth Tanks, as they were called by Cantalini, were giant containers that created large amounts of Meth to be distributed by the public. After years of giving the drugs to the citizens, Cantalini's top bear wizards discovered that the drugs gave them special abilities. They soon realized that a special chromosome in the bear body could be enhanced by Meth, allowing them to harness their full abilities. Before long, the bears were the strongest race on the planet, and they owed it all to Ziggy Cantalini. He urged his people to follow the ways of the Meth, and show it's ways to the rest of the world. Before his term ended, Ziggy was killed in a tragic explosion in one of his labs, trying to create something called Kool-Aid. A memorial service was held, and Ziggy's body was burried in a coffin full of his most prized possession.

After Ziggy's untimely death and memorial service, the bears searched for a new leader. After months of searching, they were able to find their destined leader in the land known as Compton. His name was Ving Rhames, and he was the largest black bear to have ever roamed the Earth. He was always recognized by the thick golden earrings he wore, and no bear dared to make fun of him for it. Demanding complete obedience from his kin, Rhames ruled with a harsh demeanor. Many only remember him for his insensitive ways and how he once killed a man, but during Rhames' kingship he was able to bring many great things to the bears. One of these, which most bears do not know, was the bears first defense system. It was a giant T-Rex which Rhames had ordered the Bear Wizards to bring back from the past. They called him El Swalo Nacho Grande, after a great Spaniard, and he was loyal to the bears from the core. He guarded the entrance every night, running at speeds of 2 lightyears per second from end to end. He was able to protect the bears from the impending attack from the Plutonian vikings, saving millions of bear lives. But, because of his harsh ways, this was ignored by the rest of the bears. He was punished by being turned into a human, the likes of which had never been done. After this act, doing so was banned by the Bear Council. 

After Ving Rhames' dreaded fall from leadership, a new Bear King arose. He was a very old bear, which the Kingdom was not accustomed to. His age however, did not prevent him from being one of the greatest Bear Kings ever. His name, you may wonder, was Elbert, savior of the bear race. He led the bears through the darkest times they had ever faced, called the Great Bear Exile. During this time, the humans raided ancient bear dens in the forest, claiming lives in the thousands. Doing what he had to do, Elbert led the bears out of the rubble that was once the Bear Kingdom, and brought them to his friend, Captain Dullhowl. You see, Dullhowl happened to be one of the most feared pirates at the time, but he had surprisingly used to be Elbert's first mate. Because of this, Dullhowl had to accept his old captain onto his ship. The bears soon learned the ways of the pirates, becoming skilled with a blade and learning to be cruel and swear more than what was necessary. By the time the humans had entered the the coast of the Bear Kingdom, they were easily defeated and pushed back by Dullhowl's cannons. Afterwards, the bears swore their allegiance to Dullhowl and signed a treaty with him and his crew. Then, Dullhowl's crew helped the bears rebuild their city, with a few touches of pirate love. An example of this, is the skull and crossbones painted on the gates door.

After the rebuilding of the Bear Kingdom, there was due cause for celebration. So, as they were told to by the mighty Cecil, the bears met with the mighty Native American known as Squanto. Along with him, they traveled to what is now present day Massachusetts,  and decided to have a celebratory dinner. However, the dinner became a party when some of Squanto's old buddies, the Pilgrims, showed up. After that, they did some acid and played Atari for 12 years straight. This caused Squanto to have a mild heart attack, which resulted in a sever choking accident, resulting in his death. Now, because nobody actually liked Squanto, the world unknowingly celebrates his death every year. So, since you're no longer ignorant of thanksgiving, how does it feel that you just got fat over some guy's death? Nice. Wasn't it enough to take their land?

For the first hundred years of his rule, Elbert secured the bears' role of greatness in a variety of ways. He taught the bears to love humans, along with all the other creatures, while teaching them to maintain their mighty warrior instincts. He also invested in the Colonists in the Revolutionary War, which gave the bears a plethora of money and gold. By the early 1800's, the bears had nearly doubled their resources spent in education, and became the first creatures to offer doctorates in engineering, physics, and chemistry. This allowed them, along with Major Bradley Pitt, to launch the first ever Bear Space Program and send Constantine the Penetrator into outer regions of the universe. There, he was able to hunt space salmon, which gave the bears a very desired resource to trade with Dubai. Before long, Elbert opened up a pipe factory in the countryside of the Bear Kingdom, allowing scholars, diplomats, and the military to have their hands on the finest smoking equipment around. After a few years of this, the pipe factory expanded its sales to the bear public. The days of an easy going, calm, peaceful Bear Kingdom had arrived, and for the first time, the bears seemed to be in an orb of enlightenment.