The Journey of Steven

Far, far away, there stood two men and a bear. You know the beginning of this tale, or at least you think you do. I will begin to tell you the end, which will lead you to the beginning. There will be many twists and turns, and you might get sick, but in the end, you will be thankful for the information I have told you. The story begins as the man, Bartholomew, and Steven are walking through the gates of the Bear Empire. There, they are once again met by Elbert. For a year Steven and Elbert taught young Bartholomew the ways of the bears, while Bartholomew's father joined as Steven's adviser. When the year ended, Elbert took the journey to Rape Cliff, where he would make peace with the Bear Gods and say goodbye to the world. Since Steven had been Elbert's Royal Apprentice, he no longer had a part in the monarchy of bears. He had finished his mission, which was to have Bartholomew found and brought to Grizzly Mountain, capitol of the Bear Empire. He had only one goal left, and this was very important. On the chosen day, he called his loyal adviser to meet him. The man came, wondering what the rush was. Steven showed him an ancient book, which depicted both the man, which I will now have you know as Ryan, and Steven, standing on a large cliff. Ryan was very confused at this, and Steven motioned him to read. Ryan soon saw even more pictures, showing him something he could hardly grasp. He slowly glanced at Steven, who nodded. For the first time in the meeting, Steven spoke, "Yes. It is true. You and I, we are one in the same. You see, on this day, it was I standing in your shoes. I was told by the one called Steven that I needed to go back in time, and make sure that Bartholomew was able to be born and make it to the throne. You, must do the same. Today we shall march to Rape Cliff, where I will use my powers to send you back in time, back to your birth, where you will make sure that you end up having that child. I will die during the procedure, but it is for a greater cause than my life." Ryan was strangely calm about this. He knew Steven wasn't lying, for he had smoked a very large amount of Meth moments earlier. Now, he would venture to Rape Cliff and do what he was truly meant to do all along.

Ryan and Steven made their way to Rape Cliff after their meeting. There, they saw something beyond horrible. Every one of the previous Bear Kings was at the bottom of the cliff, not dead, but something much worse. They were all being raped by clones of David Hasslehoff, each of which had barbed cocks. The kings were in tremendous pain, causing Ryan to try to run and help them. Steven held him back, knowing that it was the kings job to take the pain. Ryan cringed in pain at the sight, but sucked it up, for he had balls. Steven stripped naked, and sacrificed a small koala in the center of them. He then covered himself in the koala's blood and began to sing 'Electric Avenue'. Soon, Ryan began to spin and was surrounded by a bright light. When Steven's spell finished, Ryan was knocked unconscious and teleported back to his birth, and Steven exploded and had 8,654,427,439,967,206 gerbils shoot from his corpse. When Ryan awoke, he was in the emergency room, where a man grabbed him up. "Who the fuck are you?" said the man, who Ryan recognized as his father. Ryan cautiously responded with, "Umm..... I'm your cousin. Steven. Ya. Remember me?" Ryan's father nodded, and Ryan watched his own birth, which caused him to throw up. With this, two men were born. One of them was in the form of baby Ryan, and the other was Steven. Our hero had now taken his first leap in the right direction.

Ryan, who is now Steven, stood there, holding the baby version of himself. He knew that the baby's father wouldn't be the one to raise him, for this man was the postman. Steven walked out the hospital doors, with the baby, and sat on a bench. He needed this boy to get in the hands of a brilliant man, a strong man, a man with red hair and a beard. He needed Chuck Norris. Steven began to think of places where he would be able to find the savage Professional Ass Beater, when he heard random slurs from across the street. There, stood Russel Crowe, who was arguing with a homeless man. Surprisingly, Crowe was drunker than the hobo. All Steven could make out was, "Fug ya, ya deray bassar'. Ah pay ma taxes an ah fug pebble up! Ah ell call up Shawk Norss! Weh ell fug eww up!" Steven was able to disect something about Chuck Norris. He then shouted at Crowe, who was beating the hobo in the face with a lamp fixture. Soon, Crowe stood up, shaking his cell phone at Steven. He began to cross the street shouting, "Wahhsa fug do eww ont?" Almost immediately after, the Scottish icon was crushed by a passing tourist bus. The blood, oh sweet baby Jesus, the blood. Everywhere. Steven was shocked for several long moments. Then, he realized what he needed to do. He walked forward into the street and picked up the phone. He scrolled down the contacts and sure enough, found Chuck Norris. He began the call, and set the small baby on the bench. No one answered, so Steven left a message, describing what he needed Chuck to do. Then, very unexpectedly, Steven was shot in the chest by a crazed gunman, killing him instantly. Moments later, his spirit flowed through Purgatory and ended up on the wrong end of the road. Hell.

Fire. It sucks. It's fun on Earth, but otherwise, it's just super hot and burns you. Plus, there's the nakedness. You see, when you go to Hell you don't bring your clothes, you just end up going naked. Steven had no idea why he had ended up in Hell in the first place. Most likely the Meth abuse and occasional prostitutes he would lure into his van, and sometimes accidentally cause them to OD. That would probably get a guy sent to Hell. Or it could be that he never paid taxes. Not once. Either way, he was stuck here for now, and he would have to make do with what was here. The first thing he noticed was that everyone was dickless. Obviously, because this is Hell. Also, everyone was playing poker. This made Steven very happy, for he had been an avid poker player all his life and hosted games every wednesday. He sat down at the closest table to him. There sat Al Capone, Hitler, the Thundercats, and Skrappy Doo. Steven knew of all these people had past drug problems, and he related quite well. Eventually, he had won all of the chips each player owned, and they left the table. Soon after, a tall handsome man walked up. Steven noticed something strange about this man. He had a penis! He must be someone of high power here, obviously Satan. Oh, and he also had red skin, a tail, and horns. Satan sat down at the table, and spoke to Steven in a beastly tone, saying, "Steven, Steven, Steven. I've been waiting for you to end up here. It was only a matter of time, but you surely would. You are the best poker player to have ever walked the Earth, and you are the only one who could be of any competition to me. You see, I've never been beaten. I wish to see if you truly are as good as they say, and what better way than a casual poker match." Steven knew this was a bunch of horseshit, so he cautiously asked, "What's the catch?" "The catch?," Satan responded, causing Steven to nod, and Satan continued, "Hmmm. Well, if you beat me, then you may be free from this place. You may also take my cock. It has the ability to give the holder eternal life. A fine prize if I do say so myself. And if you lose, well, that's not so generous. I will have you give me head every morn', and you shall wipe the ass of Chris Farley whenever he pleases. This shall be a most treacherous game. Do you accept young Steven?" Of course, he accepted. The game began, and it lasted for what seemed like days, but there's no time in Hell. The Devil was winning, and began to get cocky. He put all of his chips down on one hand, but was not as lucky as he hoped. Steven placed down a royal flush, while Satan only had a three of a kind with sixes. Lucifer had been beaten. The cock was now Steven's. He had done it! Soon, he would return to Earth. Ever so soon.

So the story continues. Our hero climbed through Hell, eventually ripping the the Earth's crust and ending up back on land. Back in Seattle. Right where he had died. He wondered what the odds of him ending up in that spot were, but dismissed it. He quickly ran to the side of the street, to avoid the cars. He sat on a bench, noticing a newspaper. The date read November 12th, 2026. He'd been in Hell for 32 years! Ryan would be a fully grown adult now, and it would be only months before he would have little Bartholomew. Steven needed to go speak with the homeless, tell them his story. They would accept him, for they were allies of the bears, they were the hidden soldiers. Steven trekked through the vast lands of Seattle, eventually reaching a camp that the homeless had set up in an abandoned warehouse. When he got there he met with their leader, a Vietnam veteran named Ol' Smokey. He told Ol' Smokey his story, and how the the Bear Empire depended on this mission. The homeless believed him, and offered sanctuary, along with their utmost support. So Steven stayed. He trained with them for years, learning all types of fighting styles. He also learned how to make his own Meth, which helped his addiction. He also learned about an attack the Russians wanted to do on the bears. They were planning on invading with their Narwhal forces, and were to be led by the Narwhal Lord, Connor Kraft. Steven knew that his destiny was to fight by the side of the homeless, defending the bears, but he also knew he needed to first direct Ryan on the right path. The day would come soon. Possibly, too soon.

Finally, the day came. Steven's time of planning was up, for Ryan had come. He asked the questions that Steven had remembered asking when he was in that very position. It was strange, and Steven had a lot of deja vu. He also started having extreme panic attacks. He was going fucking insane. He realized what he must of done. He had OD'd, and only had a very limited amount of time to live. He quickly fed Ryan the details he needed, and rushed off with his homeless army. He had no time to waste, and called upon his Gryphons, which he could only summon when he was extremely high. They were able to travel to Alaska faster than imaginable, crushing passing planes. They landed, just in time to meet up with the bears, preparing an all out assault. In the distance, Narwhals, Unicorns, and Communists came from the Russian Peninsula, lead by Connor Kraft. The whole journey had led up to this one epic battle, and the two previous friends would have this final showdown, deciding both their fates. Steven rushed to the front of the bears and homeless, staring down his nemesis. They stared at each other for several long minutes, obviously having a staring contest. The winner was not determined however, because a rogue Narwhal flew out of the water impaling a drunk hobo. The war began. Members of both sides fell, and the fight could have gone either way. Steven was avoiding Connor, not wanting to fight his old friend. Steven continued this small truce, until Connor leaped upon the homeless leader, Ol' Smokey. Connor then ripped apart the man's face with what appeared to be Wolverine claws. Smokey had acted like a father to Steven. A drunk, stinky father, but still a father. To see someone that close to him be killed so mercilessly, well, it made Steven go into a complete rage. He literally ripped Unicorns in half and blew apart Narwhals with an RPG, as he charged his next victim. Connor never saw it coming. He leaped on Connor, beating his face in. It was an extremely bloody mess, and Steven's rage flew. Suddenly, the sky glowed with a sudden godliness. From a radiant beam of light, floated down a fellow friend of Steven's, Jesus Mark II, otherwise known as Jack Polito. He boomed, "Stop my friends! For I am the Lord and I call peace upon these lands. You shall not lay anoth...Oh my god! Ryan? Is that you? Oh shit, that's right. It's Steven now, huh? Connor too? Damn. What a reunion. This is good. You guys still being dicks? Hopefully. I had to cut it down, you know, with the whole I'm the son of God thing. Ya, it's no big deal. But ya. It was really good to see you guys. Seriously. Call me up sometime, we should get together again. Actually, I'll call you." With that, Jack left. Everyone looked very confused, except Steven and Connor. They both were now suddenly getting along. Also, Connor's injuries were only to his face, and he was gonna live. Steven also realized that he couldn't die from the overdose, because he had the Dick of Everlasting Life. Once again, there was peace in Alaska. The two groups truced and went their separate ways. Steven to go help Ryan out in Canada, and Connor to go on and become a famous author of children's books. All was well again, and Connor was still living with his mother. So the story of Ryan/Steven had ended, and now you know of his life. 

 The End