The Revenge of a Whale

 The sky grew dark over Grizzly Mountain, and Bartholomew was extremely high. Yes. High. What? You didn't expect our story to start back up with the main character high? Well, he was, and he had good reason to be. The bears, the prairie dogs, the Whale Gods, and himself would all be dead as fuck in the moments to come, and Bartholomew had no idea why. He just knew. But, Zacchaeus, as terrible as he was, was being an honorary foe and smoking the palace's private collection of Meth with the king. The two rivals were actually getting along quite with each other, which was caused by the Meth. As the two bears chatted like they were old friends having a cup of tea, the conversation led to Zaccaeus's past. "Well, when I was just a small cub in the academy, I was the top of my class, acing every course I took. On the tests I took, I passed the scores held only by Cecil and JMII. I bear their scores! How badass is that? I was getting awards from every subject and getting acceptance letters to the best schools in the galaxy! Eventually, amidst my success, I received a letter from an unmarked sender. The writer spoke of how I could rule the entire empire, the world, and gain powers only meant for the gods. The person had left me an address however, which I went to eagerly. There, I met the most brilliant being imaginable. He taught me things no school ever could, and I soon became his apprentice. Since then I have done all you know, all under his direction. He's been my prophet. My teacher. My God. He is the ruler of the Whale Gods, Lord Quentin the mighty, creator of Bear Socialism," finished the now darkened Zacchaeus. This could not be true! Quentin?!? Had he truly betrayed the pact? Impossible! But, Zacchaeus's description was all to real. He was evil, but he was no fool. He truly believed it was Lord Quentin, so it must be so. The world would fall apart if Quentin succeeded in killing him and Cecil, and he could not let that happen. Zacchaeus, seeing the horror in the king's face, began, "I'm sorry. I truly am. You don't understand the power he has. The power he's given me. He's brought me women, drugs, and anything else I wanted! I didn't know he'd betray me." "What do you mean betrayed you?" snapped Bartholomew. Zacchaeus sighed, then began his story, "when I first began studying under Quentin, he said I needed to get rid of you and Cecil. Then, the human race, but I didn't agree. I didn't hate you, or the rest of them. I just wanted to gain power. To my surprise, instead of punishing me for my disobedience, Quentin sent me a beautiful prostitute and some quality Heroin. Turns out, the woman was a carrier of the AIDs virus and the Heroin was laced with a strange chemical. From what I've discovered, it was a disease creating chemical. A zombification disease. That's what Quentin decided to do, so that his plan would be complete even if I chose to disobey him. It's true. Soon, the world will be filled with Zombie Bears!"

As realization struck Bartholomew, so did a very fast flying golden golfball. The blow instantly killed the king, causing his skull to shatter and his brain to explode. "Ah fuck!," shouted a man in white robes. He was carrying a golf club and was running, quickly arriving at the scene. "God dammit," sighed the now recognizable Jesus Christ, "that was totally not my ball. Jack! You killed this guy!" Moments later, Jack Polito walked up, also carrying a golf club. "Jesus, you know it's not professional to call me by my mortal name. It's JMII now," quipped the irritable apprentice to the Lord. "Watch you tone, for I, the Lord your God, am-" "Shut the fuck up! Seriously! All you ever do is ramble on about your bible stuff, thinking your so cool cause your the son of God. It's the 21st century! People listen to rap about drugs and hoes. They don't read the bible. God," then JMII looked down, and realized who he had killed, "OH SHIT!!! This is my friend's kid! He's that bear king I was telling you about. Fuck. He's kind of important to the stories that my friend's writing in the past. We need to save him, and Jesus, I mean now!" So, the two powerful associates of God did what was needed, and sent Bartholomew's soul to Heaven. This would seem to be a blessing, but for Bartholomew, it was more painful than any could imagine. It felt as if Gandalf the Grey had come down upon a Giant Eagle, while summoning a massive troll, and then had the group climb inside of Bartholomew's anus. Yes. It was that painful. Finally, after what seemed like a millennium, Bartholomew ended up in his destination. There, everything was dim lit and had shabby furniture. Vast amounts of half-drunken beer cans filled the huge open space. Then, appearing from nowhere, was Jesus and JMII. JMII clasped Bartholomew around the shoulder, saying, "welcome to Heaven, my friend." "This? This is Heaven? It looks like shit," blurted the normally very polite Bear King. "Well, what'd you expect? God banned the homosexuals, so no one around here really cares. We just sit around and do what we want, except Meth of course," replied Jesus. "No Meth??? How could my father allow this?" asked a now frustrated Bartholomew. Jesus then gave a serious look to JMII, whispering, "you didn't tell him?!?!" JMII just shook his head. The next few moments were very awkward and strung out, going silent. Eventually, JMII looked up and began to speak. He said, "as you know, Bartholomew, your father sacrificed his life to make sure you were born. Normally, when sacrificing one's life and soul, the spirit is destroyed to power whatever is being created. In this case, it was a portal though time. That should have destroyed your father's soul, but it couldn't. The reason is simple. He has the cock of the immortal Lucifer, which is the sign of kingship in Hell." With this, Bartholomew seemed to be in disbelief. JMII nodded, saying, "yes. Your father, the Ryan Sharon and later known as Steven, is the lord of the underworld. Satan."

"GO NOW!" shouted the Lord, God almighty. So, Bartholomew did as he was told, and walked to the edge of Heaven, where JMII and Pegasus were waiting for him. You see, the only way to get to and from Heaven, without using magic, was with Pegasus. The horse looked almost exactly like how he was depicted in Greek mythology, only he had a long, thick mustache. Obviously, he was the king of all horses, including Unicorns. "It was good seeing you, but I still think your a little fucker. Tell your dad I say 'he was a good sheriff'. He'll know what I mean," spoke the emotionless JMII, as Bartholomew climbed upon Pegasus' back. Then, saluting JMII, the pair flew off the edge into a nose dive. They flew past the clouds, through a plane, and eventually through the Earth. Then, reaching top speed, they entered the gateway within the core. What was on the other side was a huge rave. Strobelights, random colors, and crazy techno filled the area. Everyone was dancing and taking Ecstasy, while a man on the stage did the turntables. That was his father. Bartholomew pushed his way through the throng of mainly German dancers, trying to get to his father. While on the way, Bartholomew ran into two extremely epic musicians. They were Jimi Hendrix and Kurt Cobain. He didn't have time to talk, so he just waved, and the pair smiled in a very "I'm really high right now" kind of way. Pushing forward, the bear finally reached the stage. He began shouting, but his father couldn't hear him over the music. So, Bartholomew did the only other option. Open a can of Mountain Dew. Suddenly, the music, dancing, and strobelights all stopped, while the normal lights came on and silence fell over the crown. Then, Ryan Steven "Satan" Sharon called out in a mighty voice, "where is my son?" That's when Bartholomew climbed on the stage and stared at his father. Then, in a split second, the rave was gone and the two were sitting in armchairs by a f ire. The two sat there for a moment, until Bartholomew spoke up, saying, "so, Dad. What exactly are you going by now?" "They call me The Storyteller, but I go by many names. When the three forces unite, we will all go by our birth names, and that will be soon my son. But for now, you must take this rusty garden shovel and ride Pegasus back to Earth. There, you will find my friend Harold, and he will teach you what must be done. Go now my son, for it is time to fuck shit up," finished the wise Lord of Darkness. With that, Bartholomew left, going to find the one called Harold. He wondered if he went by Harry? Probably. 

"Ya, my cousin Guapo says things aren't looking too good in the Bear Kingdom. He says Quentin's been sending bears and prairie dogs into the concentration camps. Apparently, they have these rooms where they make them take showers, but they're not really showers. They're rape rooms. They take huge cacti, and rape them with them. Only a few have escaped Quentin's camps, and they're hiding in refugees. And from what I hear, Zacchaeus and Tamponio are now on our side, but Zacky's getting sicker as we speak. Before long, he's gonna get all zombie on us, and then he'll bite everybody. Until then though, we have Cecil and Tamponio organizing attack squads against Quentin's army, and were receiving help from the Leprechauns. It's an all out war my friend, and both sides are getting molested," spoke the very chatty Pegasus, who had been flying Bartholomew for quite some time. Eventually, they reached a very well hidden place, which Pegasus called the Dildo Forest. In the forest, Dildos climbed to the skies and shined in the sunlight, covering everywhere except a small patch.  On that patch was a massive fortress, made of gold and stone. As they landed amidst the dildos closest to the castle, Bartholomew noticed something odd. In front of the castle was a giant statue of Cecil! But why? This made no sense. "Ahh, so you've noticed? Well, it was bound to happen. This is Cecil's humble abode on Earth, and it is very sacred. It is here that you will understand your destiny. Goodbye good king, may Cecil's light guide you," spoke Pegasus as he took flight. For several moments, Bartholomew just stood there, staring. Then, making no noise whatsoever, the gate opened up, revealing something Bartholomew never thought he'd see. Sasquatch. "Do not fear my lad, for I am Harold, gatekeeper of the New Kingdom and your teacher during these touch times," spoke the large, hairy, Harold. "Harry! Hairy! That's hilarious," thought Bartholomew. "NEVER. EVER. CALL. ME. THAT. You hear me? I am your teacher and elder, and you will respect me. I have the ability to read your thoughts, so nothing can escape me. It is a power I have, because I am a sacred and mystical being. So, you will do as I say, and if you fuck with me, I will fucking murder you. I will rip your spleen out, fill it with rocks, and beat you with it. You got me," asked Harold, causing Bartholomew just to nod in a rapid manner, "ok then. Now, on to more pressing matters. As you know, the Bear Kingdom is in utter turmoil, and is not a safe place for you to rule. To fix this, Cecil has a great plan, but a sanctuary is needed to house those of important stature. So, Cecil has created this dimension called Vagina," finished the mighty Harold. "Vagina?!?! It's called Vagina?!?! What the fuck?" shouted Bartholomew. Harold sighed, slapped Bartholomew, and begin to speak, "first, don't speak to me like an asshole. Second, it's a refuge for mystical creatures, including the bears, the wizard alliance, and homosexuals. Last week they had a vote, and unanimously chose Vagina. So that's the name's history. Furthermore, it is here that you will rally the greatest army ever, take them against Quentin, and fuck him like a bitch. It's for humanities sake." Bartholomew understood. He would train with Harold and his men, and send word of the safe place called Vagina. But, he had to do one thing first. That was to masturbate all over a chipmunk. It had to be done. FOR CECIL!!!

Bartholomew was sweating like a bitch as he ran from the homosexual brother of Godzilla, Gayzilla. Bartholomew was in terrible shape from his constant drug abuse, and coughed up one of his kidneys as he ran. He couldn't let Gayzilla catch him. It wasn't that he was homophobic or anything, but Gayzilla was a convicted rapist and Harold had given him Viagra. It was part of the training he had been going through for the past few weeks. It was hard work for the king. He ran and ran through the grove of dildos, which seemed like they would never end, but they soon did. At the end, Bartholomew could see the entry to the safety zone. Gayzilla was trailing right behind him, anal beads in hand and ready to pounce. Then, Bartholomew remembered something. THE RUSTY GARDEN SHOVEL!!! Without thinking twice, he aimed at the large and horny reptillian, and pressed the fire button. Yes. It had a fire button. Out of the shovel emerged a muscular Prairie Dog, who delivered the world's most powerful punch to Gayzilla's face. As the dust settled, the Prairie Dog stepped forward. "Cecil?!? Is that really you?" asked the very confused Bartholomew. Wiping his hands clean of the dirt, and his brow of sweat, Cecil lit a joint. Sitting down, he magically summoned an army of mice to form a drum circle around him. He looked up to Bartholomew, with the most reddened of eyes, and said, "sit good king. Enjoy this earthen plant with me. You must relax for now, for troubling times are ahead. You must take a moment of peace. Pray for our victory, for we need all the help we can get. Now, listen to my word. You have reached Woisenwinwater, Capitol of the Dildo Forrest and the Kingdom of Vagina. It is the home of the most powerful of magical creatures, and it is where my comrade, Harold, governs from. It is here that you will rally the troops that he has prepared for you, for he has decided you are ready. He sent his Leprechaun officials to Grizzly Mountain, and they surveyed the conditions. I had them send word to your father to give you the Summoning Shovel, for I knew you would succeed in your training. Since you have succeeded, and Harold has agreed to have his people fight, our chances have increased ginormously. We are now evenly matched with Quentin's forces, but not stronger. Still, I'm not quite sure we can win. I'm not allowed to fight to my full extent, for that would break the ties that bond the Universe together. Also, I haven't smoked enough weed, so I'm getting weaker, and I feel that my immortality is fading away. I'm being internally fucked. I haven't had time to smoke marijauna. So, if this battle is gonna be as big as I think, which is bigger than Narnia, then we might get fucked. Hard. With a spiked cock." The two men stood there, lost in thought. What if they lost? what if Quentin became Lord of the Earth? What if Desperate Housewives didn't get Tivo'd? It was all too much for one bear to handle. So, he went and saw his therapist, Megan Fox. And they madeout. HARD. REAL HARD. So hard in fact, that Bartholomew accidentally ripped her jaw off with his tongue. Sad :( But life went on, and Bartholomew had an apocalypse to prepare for.

Bartholomew put on his cape and crown, and smoked his remaining bag of Crystal Meth. Eyes red like the ass of a Baboon, he turned and nodded to Cecil. Together they walked past the curtain in the doorway, and to the podium on the stage. There, they stood before the entire population of Vagina. The the mystical creatures looked up in a silent awe as Bartholomew's voice boomed throughout all of Woisenwinwater. "Citizens and friends, we are here today to strike down a menace to all of us, a tyrant that has invaded my homeland, and soon will invade yours. Quentin thinks he has the power and might to shun us, but is say nay! FUCK QUENTIN!!! Down with him, and down with his rule! He will pay for his treachery, and we, as mystical creatures, will have him castrated and have his anus filled with lava. He will be forced to spend a week in our kingdom. A week of doom. A week of vengeful bears. His betrayal will not go unpunished, as a sign that no one will ever take power as he has. We will start an alliance to make sure of it, and we will hold true. Tonight we march onto the Bear Empire, and we will reclaim Grizzly Mountain, and give freedom to our friends there! NOW WE MARCH!" finished the King, filling the mystical creatures with spirit and morale. Their might force marched on, lead by Cecil, Bartholomew, and Harold. They marched for three days straight, until coming upon the edge. And by edge, I mean the edge of the world. They all stared over it, for they saw no bottom or edge on the other side. Bartholomew just gazed to the sky, and made a coyote shadow with his hands, using the light of the Moon. Moments later, there was a mighty crashing sound, and a bright light. Suddenly a tennis racket the size of Mount Everest flew through the air, and hit the group! Luckily, it was padded. The army sailed through the air, finally landing in a grassy field. "Ahhh," sighed Bartholomew, standing up, smiling, and said, "welcome to my kingdom. Home of the bears." Everyone looked dumbfounded, and he shouted, "oh, and thanks Zeus!" "DON'T MENTION IT!" boomed a voice coming from the sky. The group soon reestablished themselves, and turned towards a mountain stabbing at the sky. Grizzly Mountain. It was there that they would face Quentin, and where they would attempt to bring peace to the world. This battle was going to be badass. Marching forward, the group prepared themselves for the battle to come. Reaching the edge of the mountain, Cecil signaled them all to wait for a moment. Running to the statue of Sir Bearington, he did a wax on wax off motion on his nipples. Soon, the statue raised, revealing an entrance way. A large iron door opened, and out came a flaming tampon, going almost too fast to see. "Tamponio! It's me," shouted Cecil, ducking just quick enough to avoid being impaled by the projectile. "Well fuck. You almost made me kill you, you asshole. You need to be more careful, or else your gonna be dead before the end of this fight. Fuck," quipped the frustrated Tamponio. Cecil just nodded in agreement. Then, after Tamponio's signal, several bears and prairie dogs came out of the hatch, including Zacchaeus. He looked about the same, only a lot more confident. "What's gotten into him?" asked Bartholomew. "Well, as it turns out, Quentin accidentally didn't give him a zombification disease. It was some Viagra. I know. Viagra. And an excessive dose too, so he's been 'rockin' it for the past 2 weeks," said a somewhat disturbed Tamponio. Bartholomew didn't respond, and the group kept marching up the mountain. Finally, they reached the gate to the city. For some reason, it was left open, and no key was necessary. Walking in, the group soon realized why it hadn't been locked. Quentin was standing only a few feet in, surrounded by an army of Camel Spiders. "Shit..." spoke Bartholomew, Cecil, Harold, Tamponio, and Zacchaeus in unison. "YES! Cecil, you will now pay for what you've done to me! I have been awaiting this revenge for quite sometime, and now you will die!" shouted a bloodthirsty Quentin. "Revenge?" questioned Bartholomew. "Oh, he didn't tell you? Well, it figures. He's always been a treacherous son of a bitch. Just like that night, 18 YEARS AGO!!!" everyone went silent, Cecil got a very uncomfortable look on his face, and Quentin went on, saying, "yes. You remember Cecil. High School. Prom. I went with Susie Goodman, the girl I had been in love with since 5th grade. You, went with no one, drunk as usual. She wanted some punch, so I went to get some, but I came back to something terrible. You were fucking here right there. On the gym floor. You bastard! YOU FUCKING BASTARD!" Everyone turned and looked at Cecil, who was just looking at his feet awkwardly. Quentin just fell to the floor crying. Looking up, he said, "I forgive you Cecil. I forgive you. My pastor said I needed to forgive you to be able to move on in life, so I am." Cecil's eyes brightened up, and he shouted, "really?" Then, from nowhere, a refridgerator hit Quentin in the side of the head, crushing him and several of the Camel Spiders. On the hilltop stood the Unicorns, Bartholomew's father, JMII, Connor Kraft the Narwhal Lord, and Jesus Christ atop Pegasus. In front of them was a catapult, in which they had launched the fridge. "YAHOOOOOO!" shouted JMII, as they rode the Unicorns down the hill, to the group. The Unicorn group was very excited, while everyone else had a "what the fuck?" look on their face. Everyone just stood there, awkwardly. "Well," began Cecil, "I think we've all learned a valuable lesson today, and we can put this all behind us. Today will be the start of a new alliance, the Holy Council of Sex. It will be here to ensure that no one takes power over the rest of us, and it's members have already been decided. The members are as follow: Myself, Bartholomew, Harold, Tamponio, Zacchaeus, The Whale Gods, Ryan, Jack, Connor, and Pegasus. Our human representatives will obviously be Brad Pitt and Morgan Freeman. Now, let's all sing Kumbaya!"

 The End