The Rule of Bartholomew

King Bartholomew was facing an epic crisis, for his kingdom was in turmoil. It had been fifteen years since they had defeated the Narwhals and Bartholomew had taken his throne. Everything had gone well since then, and the time of Bartholomew's rule was being called the Era of Righteousness. This was because the bears had discovered Marijuana and began listening to Grateful Dead albums. This was fine at first, because it was thought to just be a phase. It turned out to be something much worse. The people began disliking the government, and started listening to a speaker by the name of Zacchaeus. He spoke of how the bears were superior to all other creatures and how it was their right to conquer the world. He was also against Bartholomew's decision to make peace with the Prairie Dogs and allow them to live in the Bear Kingdom. Some of the bears agreed with Zacchaeus, following him as if he were a god. Because of this, he was able to start a rebellion against Bartholomew. The followers called themselves Zacchinites and started mugging Prairie Dogs and putting up propaganda against the King. The lives of the Zacchinities would soon be turned upside down. Bartholomew just needed time.

Bartholomew met with Cecil in his office. Together, they had to make a plan. The Zacchinites were growing more and more powerful, now arming themselves with lightsabers. Cecil himself was practically a God, but he was not sure he could take on all the Zacchinites. The two men needed to build themselves an army. The SBAF (Super Bear Attack Force) would normally work for matters of this sort, but their Rainbow-Death guns had been stolen by Zacchaeus. Cecil and Bartholomew were in quite the predicament. Who would help them? Who would be so powerful, so magical, so mighty that they could crush an entire army? Well, they went for the highest of all powers. They hit up God. Lucky for them, Cecil was very good friends with God and Bartholomew's father had been friends with Jesus, kind of. Not Jesus Mark I, but Jesus Mark II, also known as Jack Polito. They group discussed a plan for hours upon hours, trying to discover something that would help the bears. Then JMII got an idea. Why not call upon some old friends? Mystical friends. The mighty Unicorns. So it was done. The Unicorns agreed, traveling all the way from their nests in the communist countries. Soon, a battle would ensue. Lives would be lost. People would did, and a lot of PCP would be found in the systems of all participants.

It had all come down to this. This final moment. An epic battle would ensue throughout all of the Bear Empire, leaving many dead, and the fate of the kingdom would be decided. Bartholomew and Cecil lead there armies through the massive golden gates, entering into the wonderful land of the bears. Inside, a group of Zacchinite Bears were waiting for them. At the head of the group, there stood a young, yet large bear that Bartholomew recognized. His name was Tamponio. He was a fine bear, excelling in both his education and the military. It was obvious he would have a successful career in the armed forces of the bears, but he had joined the Zacchinites early on, quickly becoming the second in command. He was now a powerful general, ready to lose it all for the sake of the Zacchinites. "Step down Tamponio, you cannot possibly think you could take on our entire army with only eight bears. It would be an unwise move to fight us here, young bear," spoke the wise Bartholomew. Tamponio merely laughed, throwing a tampon at an unexpecting prairie dog. The deadly projectile flew true, hitting the small warrior in his skull. Dead. Cecil then reached towards the sky, summoning flaming chunks of the Hubble Telescope from space. They collided with Tamponio's group, killing all of his men. Alone. "You will regret that rat! The wrath of the Zacchinites will be upon you soon, and you will see our power. We have control over Grizzly Mountain, along with its Meth Tanks. We are unstoppable. Heed my words. If you were smart Bartholomew, you would surrender now and let us kill these rats. But you won't. Too proud. Well, that shall be your downfall. Down with you mother fucking son of a bitch bastards!" screamed Tamponio as he climbed atop his Giant Sea Turtle. The General sped away on his steed, heading for the capitol. The group had a new problem to look forward to. The Zacchinites had the Meth Tanks, which almost meant unlimited power. This would be the toughest battle yet, and it would truly test the strength of the bear monarchy.

Carcasses of bears and prairie dogs alike were laid across the field. They had been attacked in the night, Tamponio blazing through with a much larger group than before. He was making a statement, and Bartholomew was going to send one right back. He would meet with Zacchaeus soon, and possibly enclose a deal. He would not waste the lives of his people any longer. This entire thing would be over soon. He would turn himself in, surrender. As Bartholomew walked out of his tent, Cecil was outside waiting for him. "You don't have to do this, you know. We'll fight to the end. We'll obliterate that asscock of a bear. I promise," spoke Cecil, trying to make Bartholomew rethink his decision. The bear king just shook his head, handing Cecil his father's lucky meth pipe. It was a sign that he would not see his friend again. Not letting sadness show, the young bear sat upon his Unicorn friend Guapo, who had an extreme addiction to cocaine. Very extreme. "Odele mutha fuckers! Dis is how we do it lika' cholo! Reppin' my latino brothas since '96, bitch!" screamed the very, very high Unicorn. With that, the two were off, heading for Grizzly Mountain to meet with the iron fisted ruler called Zacchaeus. It would be settled upon arrival, the bears having to bow before the Zacchinites. The once great ruler would no longer have a place in the Bear Kingdom. The days of Bartholomew were at their end.

8 O'clock. Temple of the Whale Gods. Shits going down. All seven Whale Gods have grouped together for a special meeting, one that will decide the fate of all of us. The Whale Gods have stood by for a very long time, acting as neutral parties between the Bear Kings and Lord Cecil, but their neutralism has come to an end. The Bear King Bartholomew and Cecil have now formed an alliance against a single enemy, going by the name of Zacchaeus. Since they are fighting together, a loss would be intolerable. The Bear Kings, Cecil, and Whale Gods are all needed to run the planet without it falling into anarychy, and if they lose, then Bartholomew and Cecil will both be dead. The Gods could not allow that. That is why the current meeting is occuring. Quentin, Jarsaphloe, Dawk, Goozpie, Reggie, Joaquim, and Zeraphim had all agreed to meet, sitting at the large round table. After several months of planning, they finally made a decision. They must rush to the aid of the Bartholomew and Cecil. They must crush the Zacchinites. They must save humanity.

Guapo made quick time across the vast Bear Kingdom, only stopping for the occasional butterfly hunt. Bartholomew was trying to see his favorite dessert as much as possible lately. You see, he loved eating those butterflies and he rarely ever got to. This was going to be his last chance if he was right about what would happen next. It was an early Sunday morning when they arrived at the metropolis known as Grizzly Mountain. The actual city was built around the mountain, which was gigantic. It was covered in lush wildlife and had a rocky point. At the top, rested a large statue of the the greatest bear king of all, Lord Bearington, who was the founder of all of the Bear Kingdom. He gave Bartholomew hope. Maybe this wouldn't be as bad as he thought. Then, a ray of light shown down before him. It was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen, and it made him feel a sudden warmth. At the end of the ray of light was what appeared to be an unconscience Jesus. Yes. It was definitely Jesus. "My Lord," called Bartholomew, continuing, "are you okay?" "Wha?!?! Where the fu?!?! Who in the?!?! Wait. Oh. Your Barty boy, huh? Sorry about that. I was at a wicked party last night, there was soooooo much LSD. Seriously. And there was like four million chicks. It was awesome. I wish God had his birthday more often. Oh. Right. Well, I'm Jesus Mark II. You probably knew that, but I'm here to give you support or something. Actually, I don't really care. Just the big man telling me to do his dirty work. The usual. Oh, by the way. Your dad says hi. More like high. Because he does drugs," spoke the ever holy, ever strange man with many names. He was a friend of his father. A good friend. With that, the King walked forward into the city, a new sense of pride about him. Inside all of the bear villagers stood back, all looking very scared. They seemed frightened of him, but why? He would find out soon enough, because only 20 feet away stood General Tamponio. He motioned Bartholomew to follow him, which he did. They walked up the large staircase encircling the mountain, all the way up to the grand throne room. When they entered, there was what appeared to be a penis sitting on the throne. In all truth, it was actually Zacchaeus in a large penis costume. It was really fucked up. "Didn't expect that, did ya? I'm very shocking. You'll learn that about me soon," confidently spoke the evil bear. Stepping forward, he reached out his hand to shake with Bartholomew. The honorable bear refused without thought. "Fine then. We'll do this the hard way. You will fall at my hands and all the bears in this kingdom will think me a hero," said Zacchaeus. "A hero?!?! Your the cruelest bear I've ever met. Your destroying this kingdom," shouted the angered king. Zacchaeus nodded, and then began to preach his plan, "you are oh so right Bartholomew. I am a cruel, intolerable, iron fisted ruler, but they do not know that. They listen to my every whim. They believe that you were planning to kill the humans and go on a rampage. It could not be tolerated. So, they followed me to kingship. I am now lord, and they despise you. They think you to be a treacherous coward, and that works to my advantage. Soon, the Whale Gods will arrive along with your army, to try and save you. It won't work though, for I have planned this to the fullest extent. I have someone else on my side. Someone much more powerful. Someone with a grudge. To these people, you will look like the villain who destroyed all of our city in a violent rage. It will be perfect." What could this all mean? How did he know all of this information? How did he know that the Whales and his army was coming to his aid? It was impossible. However he knew, it would definitely spell doom for the bears. 

The End