Dear fellow Bear Watchers,

You all must be wondering why I was absent for so long. Many claim it to be a lack of commitment. Some say that I'm just lazy. The majority of communist China believes I was in the Antarctic building a drill that could reach the core. Now, all of these theories would have been highly likely, had something terrible not happened. And by terrible, I mean completely and utterly awesome beyond the point of necessity. You see my friends, it was in May 2009 that I was kidnapped, by non other than a fully alive, fully kidnap capable Patrick Swayze. Yes my friends. The lord of dancing dirty kidnapped me. The reason, you may ask, is that he needed me to travel through time with him. You see, Mr. Swazye was from the future, and had only faked his death so he could dedicate the rest of his life to saving humanity. From what, you're wondering? Penguins. God damned, tyrannical, world conquering penguins

Patrick Swayze smiled at me, handing me a cool glass of scotch. "So Ryan, are you truly prepared for the task ahead?" I thought about it, and deciding that this would be best, I said, "of course, sir." So, at that, we marched forward into the mighty mammoth that was the time machine. As we stepped forward, Swayze set the meter to 2370 and closed the door. Pressing the giant red button as if it were a Wack-A-Mole, the machine lit up, and the world around us melted. After swirling through something that appeared to be Marlon Brando's colon, we popped out in the year 2370. We had landed in a snowy, arctic area. At the time, I assumed it must be Russia. "So Swayze, where exactly are we?" Shaking his head, he said, "this, my friend, is the Disneyland Theme Park." He could tell I was confused, because the sign above read, "Dinosaur Rape Machine". "My boy, years ago the Penguins bought out Disney in an attempt to gain an upper hand over the dinosaurs, who had returned to Earth in 2263. They eventually turned the entire place into a rampaging dinosaur rape facility. It's just horrible..," he finished, shedding a single tear. I simply shook my head in disgust, and followed him forward. After about 1000 feet, we came about what appeared to be a giant dildo with wheels. Swayze beamed, "this is a kick start dildo I modified a few years back. I put some wheels on it, so we'll be able to use it for transportation," he paused, allowing both of us to get on, and finished, "now, we have to make our way to the bears. At least, what's left of them..."

We rode that kick start dildo for several hours that night. All I saw were the bloodstains from fallen dinosaurs, humans, and bears alike. It was a horrible future the world had come to, and it was up to us to stop it. Trying to forget the horrible images we had passed, Swayze and I stopped on the side of the road and enjoyed some good ole Mountain Dew. At the time, it was the only thing that seemed to make me feel better. After about an hour, we kicked each other in the face (in a nice way), and moved out. Just as we hit the halfway mark of our journey, however, something horrible happened. A giant creature flopped in front of us, blocking the path. Instantly, I recognized it as a Killer Whale, because of the odd tattoos of gang symbols on it's fins. Before Swayze or myself could react, three beings climbed out of the whale's mouth. They were all wrapped in robes and wore crowns, obviously royalty. After a few moments, I realized they were a massive King Penguin, Poseidon, and Michael Phelps. Just as I went to gasp in extreme horror and shock, the penguin shouted, "you guys are so fucked!" And, well, we kind of were.

We knew at this point that things were not going as planned. The men who had kidnapped us had tied us up with octopus tentacles, taking away any option of escape. I turned and looked at Patrick Swayze, who was doing a line of Cocaine with Brayton in the corner of our cage. That's when it hit me. Brayton was with us! "Brayton! Where the hell did you come from?" He looked up, thinking about what I had asked for a minute, replying, "my mother's uterus. And I know what you're asking. I just used my time machine to collect these dino bastards, after the Swayzmeister emailed me about what was going on in the future. I mean, he said it was important, and that I'd get some Coca Cola out of it." Not wanting to question Brayton, I just simply nodded. After several matches of Tic Tac Toe, I looked at Swayze and asked, "so do you have a plan to get out of here?" "Oh yes," he paused to smile, "the bears are coming to break us out of this bitch." "What? The bears are still in power? Then why the fuck is everything so fucked up?" At this, Swayze frowned slightly. "Well, they're not. The majority of the bears were wiped out with the few dinosaurs who came back in 2263. There's only a small colony left, and they're in hiding nowadays. They lost a lot of strength after that penguin bastard, Geno, killed Bartholomew." Immediately after I heard this, I was at a loss for words. For the remainder of the night as we waited for the bears, I made the majority of my sorrow go away by taking several shots of the only thing around. Octopus blood.  

After what seemed like several hours, we heard a crack down the hall. Then, it was followed by another crack. And another, and another. Finally, it turned into a repetitive banging, which we concluded was gun fire. After a couple of minutes, we also heard a growl that definitely belonged to a grizzly and one of the German penguins shouting, “oh nein! Die Bären haben Machinegewahr!” The corpse of this penguin could soon be seen flying through the air, crashing against the wall. Before long, I caught a glimpse of an unlikely hero. Zacchaeus. He smiled at me, saying, “it is good to see you, friend. It's been a long time since I've seen a friendly face around here.” I jumped up and hugged him, which was one thing that I thought I'd never do. As we made our way out of our former confinement, he passed me a pipe, which I recognized as Bartholomew's. “He wanted you to have this. He thought it might be enough incentive to fuck these penguins up.” I shed a single tear, replying, “yes. Yes it is. Thank you my friend.” We then made our way to a large drill, manned by several Mole People. Zacchaeus nodded at them, commenting, “these are my boys.” Of course, I wasn't going to question him. We all got inside the giant mechanism, while he ordered his “boys” on what to do. Then, the drill began to rumble and it set course for the Earth below. Oh to the bears we would roam!

We had been at the underground bear base for about 3 months at that point. Tamponio, who was still alive, had been training us for this inevitable day. The few bears left, ninety or so, were going to be led by me and the Swayzmeister. The dinosaurs, who had returned in the hundreds of thousands, were led by Boris and Fwurgle. Brayton, on the otherhand, was traveling through time with his semi-truck full of Coca-Cola. As we rode the drill upward, I watched Swayze do a line of cocaine off of his machete, and then load a flamethrower. After this ritual, he passed the weapon to me, saying, “I'm not going to need that.” I agreed. Moments later, we burst through the Earth's crust, arriving in the yard of the Penguin King, Geno. The massive army we had assembled piled out, quickly taking out the penguin guards standing nearby. As we looked up, we were able to see Pterodactyls dropping other dinosaurs in the palace. We quickly entered the building, shooting any and all occupants that we saw, while Swayze jumped from penguin to penguin, decapitating them with his machete. “Yippee kie aye, mother fuckers!” shouted the extremely high movie star. As we made our way up the stairs, I was able to catch site of Michael Phelps and Poseidon. Before he could get away, I flamed down Michael Phelps, and was suddenly hit with the aroma of marijuana smoke. I ignored this, because I heard Tamponio shout, “keep moving! Zacchaeus and I will take care of that bitch, Poseidon. Not wanting to disobey, I followed Swayze to the top of the stairs. As we got there, we were able to find Boris and Fwurgle raping several penguins, shouting, “what now bitch? WHAT NOW?!” Completely ignoring the scene, we made our way through the doors into Geno's chamber. As we entered, we found the Penguin King sitting on his throne, holding a crossbow. As we moved forward, he laughed, exclaiming, “not so fast, my friends. If you take another step, my friend here will have to have an afternoon snack.” As he said this, a giant Kraken revealed itself on the side of the wall. Just as we began to prep for certain death, we heard a loud pop and the Kraken cry out in pain. Looking up, we saw Brayton and his truck on top of the crushed sea demon, smiling in his glory. We then turned our attention to Geno, who was backing into the corner. “Oh, you're not going anywhere, you penguin fuck. I guess I'm going to have to put Baby in the corner, after all,” remarked the vengeful, bloodthirsty Swayzmeister. Before Geno could do anything, Swayze whipped out his penis and gave the hardest dick slapping you could ever imagine. Both Geno and Swayze almost instantly died of blood loss from the incident. We had won! The battle was over!

After this, for the next year and a half, I traveled the world with my flamethrower, murdering and all penguins I could find. By the time I was came back to my own time, 2009, the world was finally redeemed of the murderous creatures that had plagued it for so long.

The End